H 

• 


• 


J«  I 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 


Mrs.  Edwin  Grabhorn 


THE 


OR, 


YANKEE  DOODLE  COURT, 


BALTIMORE : 

PRINTED  FOR  THE  AUTHORESS. 

1880. 


COPY  RIGHT  SECURED  ACCORDING  TO  LAW. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 


THE  object  of  this  work  is  to  "shoot  Jolly  as 
it  flies"— and  to  check,  if  possible,  the  violent  spi 
rit  of  "Reform,"  now  so  indiscriminate  and  so 
alarming  to  the  interests  of  the  country.     That  a 
female  writer  should  thus  oppose  a  majority,  and 
attack  even  the  «  Wise  men  of  Gotham"  (alone 
and  unaided  as  she  is,)  may  excite  much  astonish 
ment—even  among  the   minority;  but  she  fears 
naught,  when   concious  of  employing  her  pen 
in   a  just    cause.       And    her   patriotic  ardour 
is  not   to   be    checked   by    even  the  frowns  of 
those  now  in  power.       The  "proscribed"  and 
insulted  minority,  she  thinks  will  approve  her  un 
disguised  sentiments;  and  be  gratified  by  seeing 
certain  great  personages  delineated  with  accura 
cy—and  placed  in  the  proper  light,  so  very  essen 
tial  to  have  effect ;  as  to  "give  the  Devil  his  due," 
is  ever  allowed  to  be  fair  and  just .     To  give  in 
sulted  patriotism  a  triumph ;  and  to  endeavour 
to  disperse  the  clouds  of  prejudice,  which  cal 
umny  so  basely  caused  to  partially  obscure  the 


IV. 

great  Western  luminary,  of  Kentucky;  (whose 
*  integrity,"  and  patriotism  has  so  vilely  been 
called  in  question;}  she  deems  also  as  incum 
bent  on  a  writer  whose  pen  has  ever  been  devo 
ted  to  the  genuine  ardour  of  patriotism.  That 
the  great  Clay  stands  unrivalled  in  point  of  su 
perior  talent,  as  a  statesman,  cannot  be  disputed. 
His  modest  forbearance  to  his  numerous  political 
defamers,  has  at  length  proved  the  mild  dignity 
of  his  character,  and  that  exalted  mind  which  his 
foes,  through  envy  and  self-interest,  still  labour  to 
seclude  from  the  admiration  of  the  world.  But 
the  time  is  rapidly  advancing,  even  in  his  native 
State,  that  will  reinstate  this  (now  a  favourite) 
star  of  the  West — in  the  conspicuous  station 
which  his  merits  and  unrivalled  talents  demand. 
The  excitement  throughout  the  West  is  rapid  and 
astonishing.  Put  down  the  new  system  of  u  Re 
form,"  and  all  will  soon  be  well  again.  Appreci 
ate  and  reward  merit,  talents,  and  sterling  inte 
grity,  for  the  glory  of  the  nation.  Retrieve  the 
honor  of  the  American  character  in  time  to  con 
vince  the  world  you  can  discriminate. — Be  unan 
imous  for  the  promotion  of  the  Great  Clay,  and 
obtain  a  glorious  triumph  over  the  Reign  of  "Re 
form"  and  "proscription" — A  "  Reign  of  ter 
ror,"  to  the  country.  THE  AUTHORESS. 


THE 

REIGN  OF  "REFORM." 


DIALOGUE 

Between  COL.  HARDFARE,and  MAJ.  DAUNTLESS, 
(two  Revolutionary  Patriots.)  December^ 
1829. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Well,  Major  Dauntless, 
what  news  from  the  Capitol  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Ah!  Col.  worse  and  worse! 
His  "Hickory"  Majesty  finds  his  Club  of  Her- 
cu/es,  not  sufficiently  formidable  to  keep  off  vul 
gar  intruders  from  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court, 
but  has  stationed  his  /i/e-guards,  like  monarchs 
of  Europe,  to  awe  and  intimidate  all  who  have 
the  presumption  to  assert  their  claims  on  his 
Highness'  attention,  and  consideration.  This  is 
republicanism  with  a  vengeance  Col.  The  Yan- 


«*•••* '-.*/*•    "**    *   ,'*»\'%"'     ^V 


kee  Princes  strut  and  swell  their  pompous  figures 
like  bull  frogs  in  the  fable;  but  it  will  be  all  over 
with  them  ere  long,  depend  upon  it.  The 
Palace  with  all  its  spacious  saloons  and  superb 
drawing-rooms  can  scarcely  contain  them.  Those 
immense  "Parisian  Mirrors,"  reflect  their  Prince 
ly  figures  to  great  advantage.  "Even  His  "  Hick 
ory"  Highness,  steals  a  glance  of  self-complacen 
cy  at  his  erect  and  formidable  figure,  while  pass 
ing  to  and  fro  amid  the  crowd  of  parasites. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  By  the  by  Major,  that  is 
certainly  a  serious  reflection  for  the  nation. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  It  is  indeed  Col.  Also, 
that  Henry  J.,  Prince  of  Influence,  is  the  royal  fa 
vourite,  and  consequently,  the  most  influential 
character  at  Court,  (Her  Immaculate  Highness  the 
Princess  of  Influence,  excepted,)  but  there  is  a 
long  Green  Goblin  Grim  figure  glides  to  and  fro1 
in  the  Palace,  and  is  to  be  seen  at  all  hours  there. 
It  must  gain  admittance  by  some  super-human 
means.  The  guards  are  quite  passive  at  its  ap 
proach,  and  stand  back  with  the  points  of  their 
bayonets  lowered  submissively.  But,  it  speaks 
not !  it  looks  not  around !  and  with  stern  aspect 
and  solemn  step  glides  to  and  fro  of  late,  to  the 
Royal  closet ;  where,  no  doubt,  the  most  impor- 


tant  affairs  of  the  nation  are  now  deliberating , 
which  a  short  time  will  develops. 

COL.  HARDFARE.     Aye,  Aye,  Major,  and  per 
fect  the  «  Refa-m." 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Yes,  and  with  a  ven 
geance  !  Col.,  there's  no  mistake,  in  that,  we  may 
rest  assured.  The  Green  Goblin  is  never  at  rest. 
It  is  most  active  now  in  defending  itself  against 
accusations  from  opponents,  who  are  getting  more 
numerous  and  powerful  than  is  deemed  safe  in 
the  present  order  of  things  at  the  great  City; 
where  the  Green  Goblin  thinks  he  has  an  un 
questionable  right  and  privilege,  being  privy 
counsellor,  (Lord  deliver  us!)  at  Court.  What  a 
happy  faculty  it  is  Col.  to  be  able  to  see  further 
than  one's  nose  ;  and  the  Green  Goblin  does  not 
want  for  prominency  and  length  in  that  very  dig 
nified,  and  remarkable  feature,  it  must  be  indis 
putably  admitted.  Some  men  have  impudence 
enough  to  impose  superficial  acquirements  on  the 
world,  but  there  is  no  mistake  in  this  Grim  per 
sonage,  although  his  form  is, 


"long  and  lank," 


He  moves  upon  a  sinewy  shank." 
Sterling  talents  and  integrity  are  so  very  rare 


and  inestimable  at  this  day,  and  so  very  requisite 
to  serve  the  "  Reform,"  that  \ve  must  all  rever 
ence  with  due  submission,  this  Grim  Personage. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  A  most  formidable  Court 
Goblin,  or  inquisitor,  truly;  and  one  who  is,  in 
some  measure,  a  suspicious  and  dangerous  one ; 
as  envy  and  low  cunning  is  ever  assiduous  and  in-« 
defatigable  in  persecuting  genuine  merit,  talent 
and  "Integrity,"  in  those  whose  lustre  serves  to 
expose  his  Goblin  deformity  of  character,  while 
his  Goblinship  is  labouring  to  vilify  his  superiors 
throughout  the  nation.  As  you  have  been  appa 
rently  a  close  observer  at  Court,  Major,  you  can 
inform  me  what  is  now  said  of  the  favorite  Prin 
cess,  who  has  already  made  such  a  noise  in  the 
country. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS,  Yes,  Col.  if  you  mean 
that  very  delicate  "bone  of  contention ,"  the  (Im 
maculate)  Princess  Rosilia,  I  can  assure  you,  there 
is  but  little  else  thought  of  at  present ;  than  the 
virtues  of  that  "amiable  woman,"  as  His  "Hicko 
ry"  Highness  is  pleased  to  pronounce  her ;  she  is 
the  fashionable  theme  of  conversation  at  Court 
and  in  the  great  City.  His  Highness5  infatuation, 
may,  however,  be  tolerated,  in  some  measure,  as 
military  characters,  we  know,  are  generally  cele- 


brated  for  gallantry;  particularly  in  the  earlier 
part  of  life,  and  it  is  certainly  a  pleasing  recollec 
tion.  You,  or  I,  Col.  would  even  now  be  gal 
lant  men,  (at  fourscore  years)  were  there  an 

"amiable  woman"  in  question,  you   know 

therefore ha!  ha!  ha!  Col. 

COL,  HARDFARE.  Pshaw!  Major,  I  don't  see 
the  necessity,  or  propriety  of  an  "amiable  woman" 
thus  turning  the  head  of  the  nation ;  and  becom 
ing  ridiculous  and  a  reproach  to  the  Government. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Policy,  my  dear  Col.  dic 
tates  that  the  good  qualities  of  the  Princess  Jm- 
maculate  should  be  extolled;  and  gratitude  that 
her  virtues  shall  be  vindicated.  There  is  a 
"  wheel  within  a  wheel,"  in  the  cabinet  at  this 
time,  we  may  rest  assured.  This  very  loyal  lady 
has  a  claim  on  his  "Hickory"  Highness,  because 
she  is  persecuted  ;  and  for  the  most  powerful  of 
all  reasons,  because  she  is  thought  still  young  and 
beautiful. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  She  is  the  modern  Helen, 
it  seems,  who  is  to  revolutionize  the  country. 
Truly,  Major,  I  doubt  whether  this  very  delicate 
"bone  of  contention,"  will  reflect  much  honor  on 
her  champions.  I've  no  idea  of  petticoat  govern- 
2* 


10 

ment.    Give  a  woman  the  reins,  and  she'll  drive 
us  all  to  the  Demi  in  a  twinkling,  by  Jove! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.  and  with  a  ven 
geance?  By  Jupiter!  this  should  be  a  matter  of 
deep  consideration.  A  woman  to  cause  conten 
tion  in  the  Cabinet,  be  she  ever  so  "young  and 
beautiful"  (and  an  "  amiable"  woman  also,)  is 
like  Pandora's  box  opened  upon  us,  with  a  ven 
geance,  by  the  God  of  War?  It  is  well  there  is 
no  Jlfenelaus  now  to  dispute  the  fair  prize  with 
Paris.  But  who  is  the  Achilles,  think  you,  who 
"will  challenge  Hector  ?  There  is  gallantry  and 
valor  enough  yet  to  protect  an  "  amiable  woman" 
no  doubt,  notwithstanding  the  frailties  of  human 
nature.  But,  by  the  God  of  War,  Col.  we  will 
not  have  a  ten  year's  siege  of  it,  they  may  rely  on 
it.  The  "  bone  of  contention"  can,  and  will,  be 
put  aside,  in  a  much  shorter  time,  and  the  busi 
ness  finally  settled,  as  there  are  more  weighty 
concerns  of  the  nation  to  be  adjusted  at  this  time, 
it  is  very  evident,  than  thus  wrangling  about  an 
"amiable  ivomqn."  By  Jupiter?  Col.  what  will 
Europe  think  and  say  about  our  Yankee  Doodle 
Court  ?  The  most  ludicrous  imitation  of  sove 
reignty  ever  exhibited.  A  stigma  on  the  charac 
ter  of  Republicanism.  O  Hercules !  what  a  reigri 
of  "  Reform  /"  What  a  "  Retrenchment f " 


11 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Ah !  Major,  we  live  in  a 
memorable  era!  Posterity  will  profit  by  the  wis 
dom  and  talent  of  the  present  Reign. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.  and  we  may 
add  Integrity,  you  know,  as  we  are  convinced  it 
is  genuine,  among  the  Princes  of  "  Reform," 
who  will  all  protect  an  "amiable  woman."  By 
Jupiter,  Col.  I  would  sooner  command  a  regi 
ment  of  Poltroons,  than  be  commanded  by  a  silly 
woman,  scarcely  above  mediocrity  at  the  present 
day.  What  astonishing  infatuation ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  So  you  will  not  "strike  your 
colours"  yet,  Major  Dauntless.  What  will  you 
do? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  "Strike  my  colours!" — 

Col.  Hardfare?  D nit,  I'll  die!  first.  I  am 

Major  Dauntless,  and  will  never  disgrace  my 
name.  I  was  not  born  to  cringe  to  those  in  pow 
er,  nor  to  fatter  them.  I  am  a  blunt  old  soldier, 
and  I  know  my  duty  to  my  country  and  to  my 
God!  I  hate  hypocrisy,  and  resist  oppression. 
I  fear  no  man — no — by  the  God  of  War ! — nor 
woman  either. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Bravo!  Major  Dauntless! 
the  spirit  of  '76,  that  can  challenge  the  imbecili 
ty  of  the  present  day  to  advantage.  But.  what 
have  you  there  ? 


12 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Let  me  read  it,  and  then 
judge  for  yourself.  I  picked  up  these  scraps  in 
various  parts  of  the  great  City,  and  have  reserved 
them  as  tit  bits  for  my  leisure  hours,  to  share  with 
my  friends,  and  the  lovers  of  justice.  Possibly 
they  were  dropt  by  some  of  the  court  visiters  at 
levees.  I've  quite  a  large  collection  of  them,  as 
you  see,  Col.  and  all  highly  seasoned  for  your 
palate  and  mine ;  and  I  may  with  confidence  as 
sert  that  they  will  be  relished  in  a  very  short  time 
by  a  large  majority,  among  political  epicures, 
Hear  this  for  example  : 

"When  a  Fly  retires  to  bed, 
He  rests  his  tail  above  his  head." 
So  in  this  u  Hickory"  turn  out  day, 
The  rabble  have  the  sovereign  sway. 
But  soon  there'll  be  a  change  of  times, 
And  greater  names  will  grace  our  rhymes. 
When  those  turned  out,  will  be  turned  in, 
And  what  they've  lost — be  sure  to  win." 

COL.  HARDFARE. — There's  something  to  hope 
for  yet  Major. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  aye,  Col.  Hardfare, 
there's  no  "mistake"  in  that,  we  may  rest  satisfi 
ed.  All  in  good  time  yet,  Col.  Here  is  another 
ragout  still  more  highly  seasoned : 


13 

*'  May  the  Clay  of  Kentucky,  fine  porcelain  soon, 

Be  produced  to  grace  this  Royal  City ! 
When  tough  Hick'ry  no  longer  enjoying  the  boon, 

So  abused !  but  dismissed  without  pity. 
When  tyrants  are  ^hoisted  on  shoulders  of  friends," 

To  great  honors  the  first  in  the  nation. 
And  then  are  ungrateful !  why  thus  it  soon  ends, 

In  their  permanent,  sore  degradation. 
Then  Hurrah !  for  the  Clay  of  Kentucky  !  refm'd ! 

Hurrah !  for  the  Statesman  !  the  scholar  ! 
Let's  vote  for  the  man  who  has  manners  and  mind, 

More  discreet  than  the  victim  of  Choler. 
Hurrah!  for  the  Clay  of  Kentucky  's  the  cry  ! 
The  Hawks  of  the  Palace,  will  soon  have  to  fy  ! 

COL,  HARDFARE.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  Bravo!  Ma 
jor  Dauntless — this  is  not  the  composition  of  a 
coward.  What  next  have  you  to  the  glory  of  the 
Yankee,  Doodle  Court  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  The  composition  of  a 
coward  ?  no — by  the  God  of  War,  Col.  Hardfare — 
k  is  a  bold  attempt,  and  the  six  concluding  lines 
are  admirable — Mark  this  Col.,  "the  Hawks  of 
the  Palace."  Ha!  ha!  O  d— n  'em!— I  could 
shoot  some  of  them  myself.  They  are  revelling 
in  luxury  and  splendour  equal  to  any  Court  in 
Europe,  while  thousands  of  honest  Rebublicans 


14 

are  literally  starving.  This  is  Liberty  and  Equal 
ity  with  a  vengeance  in  our  government — by  Jupi 
ter.  Alas !  my  country  !  I  fear  that  the  principles 
of  76  are  rapidly  vanishing  from  among  us.  A 
few  years  more — but  I  shall  not  live  to  see  it, 
thank  God !  The  lustre  of  "  Virtue,  Liberty  and 
Independence  /"  will  be  tarnished  and  disgraced 
— when  ambition  and  dissimulation  destroys  in 
tegrity  and  patriotism !  I  deprecate  the  principles 
of  the  present  day — -"Principle  in  proportion  to 
Interest  /"  is  the  motto  of  too  many.  Where 
was  the  American  during  the  Revolution — who 
would  not  have  been  ashamed  to  have  avowed 
this? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Truly,  Major,  this  is  an  un 
expected  revolution  in  National  affairs.  The 
people  have  been  gulled,  in  many  instances,  by 
those  in  power.  Corruption,  we  know,  is  a  grow 
ing  evil  among  us.  But  this,  we  are  assured,  is 
the  administration  of  Justice  and  "Reform." 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  "Reform!"  aye,  with  a 
vengeance,  I  say  Col.  Hardfare.  "Retrench 
ment  /"  to  perfection !  O  Jupiter !  and  Mars ! 
look  at  the  gorgeous  Palace  !  The  lofty  pillars 
of  the  new  portico !  The  magnificent  and  almost 
regal  splendour  of  the  East  room.  The  richness 
and  extravagant  profusion  of  the  furniture.  Those 


15 

immense  Parisian  mirrors !  and  all  to  do  honor, 
and  to  pamper  the  ambition  of  the  chief  Ruler  of 
a  free  people.  O  Hercules !  Could  not  the 
plain  old  "  Tennessee  Farmer,"  have  been  satis 
fied  with  what  his  predecessors^  (who  were  all  in 
finitely  greater  than  /ie,)  thought  sufficient,  ere 
these  modern  improvements  were  thought  of? 
Is  not  the  "  Hero  of  Orleans  /"  sufficiently  com 
pensated  in  being  Chief  magistrate  of  a  free 
people,  without  the  ostentatious  display  of  regal 
magnificence  ?  O  blind  infatuation !  Deluded 
votaries  of  a  modern  Caesar !  Offer  yet  the  crown 
and  sceptre  to  your  Idol — will  he  reject  it !  think 

yg    ?**#**  ***Q        my  COUn_ 

try ! — one  step  more — and  your  glory  is  tarnished 
indelibly !  Freedom's  bright  smile  will  be  ban 
ished  forever ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  God  forbid!  good  Major! 
— the  very  idea,  rouses  the  fire  of  Patriotism,  and 
true  Republican  feeling  in  the  breast  of  Revolu 
tionary  veterans.  Would  to  God  the  rising  gen 
eration  could  appreciate  our  patriotic  energy! 
You  are  a  genuine  pupil  of  the  good  old  Republi 
can  school,  Major  Dauntless — it  is  much  to  be 
lamented  that  the  class  to  whirl)  you  belong  is 
now  so  diminished. 


16 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  We  are  told.  Col.  Hard- 
fare^  that  this  is  the  Reign  of  "  Reform."  Are  the 
servants  of  the  public  to  be  scoffed  at?  Of  what 
avail  is  Integrity  at  the  present  day  ?  Knavery 
can  put  itself  above  honesty,  by  flattering  those 
in  power.  But  "  Liberty  and  Equality"  is  the 
motto  we  inherit  from  the  founders  of  our  rights. 
The  "people"  will  rule,  and  not  aparly  ;  and  will 
not  be  thus  imposed  on  by  the  imbecility  of  those 
who  now  arrogate  the  right  to  do  so.  Old  as  I 
am,  I  would  help  to  drive  oppression  from  the 
helm  of  Government,  ere  I  will  witness  the  pro 
gress  of  injustice  andpolitical  partiality.  "Rights 
of  man"  is  the  privilege  of  a  free  people.  No 
party  violence  to  remove  men  of  sterling  integri 
ty  —  to  be  supplanted  by  ignorance  and  dishones 
ty  at  the  expense  of  the  government. 

COL.  HARDFARE,  True,  Major  Dauntless, 
"Bargain  and  Intrigue"  are  but  too  apparent 


MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  By  the  God  of  War,  Col. 
Hardfare,  it  is  too  apparent  to  be  screened.  The 
enemy  are  "foiled  with  their  own  weapons"  at 
last.  They  will  be  in  a  sad  dilemma  ere  long, 
take  my  word  for  it.  They  have  already  got  in 
to  a  quagmire  from  which  it  will  be  extremely 


17 

difficult  to  extricate  themselves;  even  with  their 
extraordinary  military  prowess — and  they  may 
yet  be  compelled  to  appeal  for  a  helping  hand  to 
those  whom  they  now  endeavor  to  crush.  But 
they  have  encroached  too  far  on  the  rights  and 
privileges  of  the  minority*  and  can  therefore  ex-* 
pect  no  mercy,  or  indulgence.  It  will  be  an  over 
whelming  torrent.  Col. — rest  assured,  retaliation 
with  a  vengeance.  By  Jupiter!  and  Mars! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  How  have  they  obtained 
such  an  ascendency  at  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court, 
Major,  to  appoint  ami  dismiss  from  office  whom 
soever  they  please,  at  any  time? — Court  favours 
ure  precarious. 

M  A.T.  DAUNTLESS.  Yes.  by  Hercules!  Col. 
when  we  must  depend  on  the  caprice  of  a  wo 
man.  You  must  know,  there  is  a  fair  medium 
now  at  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  when  offices 
and  promotion  can  be  obtained  to  a  certainly — a 
very  important  Court  secret,  of  which  you  shall 
be  informed  by  and  by,  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  That  would  certainly  be 
very  desirable  at  present  Major,  for  a  vast  num 
ber  of  disappointed  applicants. — But,  we  may 
presume  it  would  be  of  no  avail  for  the  now  u pro 
scribed,"  who  are  doomed  to  languish  out  their 

a 


IS 

tedious  days  until  a  prospect  opens  to  cheer  their 
despondency.  At  present,  the  scene  is  extreme 
ly  dull — enough  to  "hang  and  drown" — oneself. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Their  despondency  will 
be  but  of  short  duration,  Major  Hardfare — for 
the  consolation  of  the  oppressed.  For,  although 
the  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influence  has  unlimit 
ed  sway  (at  this  time  at  Court)  in  the  distribution 
of  lucrative  offices — which  a  certain  "insignifi 
cant  animal,  in  the  shape  of  a  human  being,  with 
the  skin  drawn  over  Ws  bones"  *  can  testify, 
from  experience.  But  how  long  its  elevation 
will  be  supported,  is  not  difficult  to  surmise,  as  it 
is  rumoured  that  the  War  has  already  begun  in 
the  Great  City,  and  will  not  subside  until  they 
have  all  turned  to  Clay  !  Huzza !  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Bravo  !  Major,  but  thai 
would  be  a  revolution  unlooked  for — truly— and 
would  be  "plague,  pestilence,  and  famine  /"  to 
those  nmv  in  power — would  it  not  ?  think  you  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye, and  with  a  vengeance, 
Col.  we  may  rest  assured.  It  is  very  certain  that 
there  will  be  a  great  explosion  ere  long  in  our 
Government,  and  then  all  the  affairs  of  the  nation 
will  have  to  be  set  to  rights  by  an  entirely  new  set 

*  A  late  Editor,  and  Government  Printer,  at  Harris- 
burg—  Sir  Li/ing:  Sneak. 


of  politicians.  This  paper,  which  I  picked  up  one 
day,  a  few  weeks  since,  on  my  way  to  the  Palace, 
(where  I  repaired  many  days  in  succession,  but 
to  no  purpose,  to  obtain  an  interview  with  his 
"  Hickory"  Highness,)  will  elucidate  a  great  deal, 
and  portends  more  than  they  are  aware  of  at 
Court — hear  it : 

1 

Last  night  I  saw  a  Goblin  Grim, 
'Twas  haggard !  pale !  'twas  tall  and  slim! 
All  hearts  might  quake  to  look  at  him ! 

It  silently  did  glide! 
Yet,  in  its  visage,  wild  and  pale, 
There  was  portray 'd  a  look  of  wail, 
That  something  grievous  will  assail 
Some  evil  will  betide. 


The  Court,  where  all  so  joyous  now. 
Before  His  Majesty  all  bow, 
As  thus  impell'd  to  take  a  vow 

To  perfect  the  "Reform.'"' 
To  turn  all  out  of  ev'ry  place, 
Who  do  the  present  Reign  disgrace, 
Not  having  all,  a  w  Hickory"  face, 

To  take  the  world  by  storm. 


Brave  ev'ry  ill  for  interest  sake, 
And  for  an  office — honor  stake ! 
The  bread  from  mouths  of  others  take, 

To  gain  their  own  promotion. 
By  paying  Court  to  Hickory  lords — 
Whosepompous  aspect,  mirth  affords, 
To  those  who  now  must  sheath  their  swords. 

And  bend  in  due  devotion. 

4 

Those  who  are  now  "  minority," 
May  soon  be  the  majority ! 
In  turn-,  assert  authority ; 

As  each  must  have  their  day. 
Then  vice  versa  be  "  Reform." 
For  great  will  be  the  coming  storm ; 
Thousands  of  hearts  are  growing  warm 
To  mould  a  King  of  Clay! 

5 

Tho'  "Hickory  Clubs"  are  stout  we  know. 
And  formidable  at  each  blow ; 
Yet  soon  the  "mighty  are  laid  low!" 

When  just  ice  holds  the  sword, 
Which  proud  oppression  soon  will  feel. 
And  to  their  conquerors,  forcM  to  kneel ! 
Nor  for  protection  can  appeal, 

When  "Liberty"  's  the  word) 


6 

Not  " pointed  bayonets"  will  avail. 
Insulted  rights,  will  then  prevail, 
The  gorgeous  Palace  to  assail, 

And  force  the  proud  to  yield  f 
Not  looks  of  sternness  will  repel, 
Insulted  patriots !  who  will  tell 
Their  wrongs — nor  yet,  "  their  country  sell!" 

When  justice  takes  the  field  ! 

Bravo!  there's  for  you,  Col.  Hardfare,  what 
think  you  of  that? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  I  certainly  admit,  Major, 
that  the  oppressed  and  insulted  "minority"  have 
spirit  enough,  to  have  a  perfect  ^Reform"  of  their 
own  making  ere  long,  to  astonish  and  confound  the 
Yankee  Doodle  Court. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  and  with  a  vengeance 
Col.,  rest  assured.  The  tide  is  now  nearly  at  an 
e&6,  and  will  turn,  rely  on  it.  Then,  what  a  weep 
ing  and  wailing,  and  a  scampering  there  will  be 
in  the  Palace,  and  among  the  sycophants  who  are 
privileged  to  visit  the  Royal  family.  The  God 
dess  of  Liberty  will  yet  protect  the  struggling 
votaries  who  invoke  her  aid,  and  we  shall  yet 
take  the  field  in  triumph.  Huzza!  the  present 
incumbents  of  the  Palace  will  be  glad  to  evacuate 


22 

ere  three  years  expire,  and  one  and  all  write  on 
their  cards— "D./.  O." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  What  do  you  mean  by  that, 
Major  ?  will  you  give  a  solution  of  that  enigma — 
«J9.  /.  O." 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  aye,  Col.  "P.  D.  Q." 
I  assure  you  as  they  say  in  the  Great  City, among 
the  ton  and  the  mushroom  nobility,  at  Yankee 
Doodle  Court.  This  "D.7.  0."  you  must  know, 
Col.  Hardfare  is  a,  fashionable  phrase,  or  embel 
lishment  on  a  card — when  dangling  o^ice-seekers 
have  lost  patience  at  Court,  and  have  ultimately 
been  rejected — then,  "  D.  L  O"  or  (to  define  it 
more  satisfactorily)  "d — nit!  I'm  off!" — is  very 
appropriate,  and  T  should  add  "P.  D.  Q." — i.  e. 
Pretty  d — n^d  quick,"  in  such  a  case.  So  will 
the  phrase  justly  apply  to  the  "  Hawks  of  the  Pa 
lace"  you  know,  when  an  unexpected  Revolution 
in  public  sentiment  takes  place.  The  majority 
must  always  rule,  we  know — and  that  will  be  the 
case  with  the  now  "  proscribed" — rely  on  it. — 
"Whatever  is,  is  right." — Col.  And  the  political 
partiality  and  unjust  rigour  of  the  present  "reign" 
will  chastise  and  "  Reform"  itself  in  due  time. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True,  Major, — and  a  ludi 
crous  elucidation  you  have  given,  of  those  myste- 


rious  Initials.  Yet  very  apropos — when  a  party 
is  vanquished,  we  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  You  have  no  idea  I  see  Col. 
of  the  extreme  refinement  that  prevails  at  our 
Yankee  Doodle  Court,  where  the  Princess  of  In 
fluence,  the  Immaculate  Rosilia  presides.  That 
"amiable  woman" — who  thus  astonishes  and  per 
plexes  the  nation.  This  "D.I,  O."  is  a  favorite 
phrase  of  her  Immaculate  Highness,  when  she  a- 
muses  herself,  with  the  woful  looks  of  poor  dis 
appointed  office  petitioners  at  Court.  But  it 
would  certainly  have  the  most  ludicrous  effect  to 
be  seen  on  her  Immaculate  Highness'  own  cards 
ere  the  expiration  of  another  year.  Don't  you 
"smell  a  rat,"  Col.? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Yes,  I  comprehend,  Major. 
But  had  no  idea  of  the  very  ludicrous  solution. — 
What  else  have  you  in  that  enormous  pacquet  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  You  shall  know  the  con 
tents  by  and  by  Col.  Have  patience,  while  I  com 
ment  on  each  as  I  read,  Now  for  another  deli 
cious  morceau : 

"  To  Her  Immaculate  Highness — Rosilia  the  Prin 
cess  of  Influence,  these  lines  are  most  devot 
edly  addressed." 

Fair  honor'd  Princess !  may  we  pay  to  you ; 
The  tribute  of  the  heart !  thv  virtue's  due ! 


24 

Tho'  high  in  power !  yet  thoudost  lowly  bend 
To  soothe  the  o^ce-seeker's  heart !  a  friend, 
To  those  who  seek  your  aid.     A  guiding  star, 
To  those  (who  else,)  would  sure  have  wander'd 

far 

From  fortune's  favors:  but  thy  smiles  do  cheer 
The  darkest  hour!  and  dry  misfortune's  tear ! 
Thy  sympathy — our  boundless  gratitude 
Awakens !  Princess !  may  we  yet  obtrude 
A  moment  longer  on  thy  notice  here  ? 
May  this,  and  every  succeeding  year, 
Increase  o/powertothyself,  and  thine, 
Perpetuate :  and  thus  unrivalled  shine, 
In  worth  and  beauty — tho'  thy  foes  combine, 
With  envy,  malice,  and  injustice,  base ! 
To  assail  the  virtue  which  they'd  feign  efface ! 
Yet  now  thy  '•'•day  of  triumph  /"  does  appear, 
And  those  who've   most  annoyed — have   most 

to  fear. 

Thus  persecuted  merit  ever  gains 
Ascendency  :  and  envy,  for  its  pains, 
When  quite  defeated,  passively  remains. 
Thus  o'er  your  foes — may  be  your  triumph  ever ! 
Prosperity  and  power  be  yours  forever!" 

There's  for  you  Col.  Her  Immaculate  Highness 
the  theme  of  all  the  rhyming  puppies  of  the  day* 
because  she  is  an  "amiable"  woman. 


25 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Bravo!  Major,  how  admirable! 
what  loyal  subjects  this  charming  Princess  has 
secured!  Prince  Henry  J. is  certainly  an  enviable 
man. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Yes,  his  Imperial  Highness 
has  an  excellent  helpmate,  that  is  evident.  She 
takes  much  of  the  trouble  off  his  hands,  of  procur 
ing  offices  for  all  the  insignificant  puppies  and 
coxcombs  who  pay  their  court  to  her  Immaculate 
Highness.  Particularly  if  they  are  a  la  mode  and 
have  some  "Canaries"  previously  conveyed  in  a 
mysterious  manner  to  the  Princess ;  not  omitting 
the  requisite  invocation  to  the  muses,  who  will 
favor  their  suit.  O  Jupiter  !  Petticoat  Govern 
ment!  u  Canaries  /"  and  poetic  effusions!  Too  ef 
feminate  to  reflect  much  honor  on  a  ^military 
chieftaml"  But,  we  must  believe  it  to  be  the 
Reign  of  "  Reform,"  Col.  Hardfare,  and  almost 
perfect,  by  an  infallible  proscription. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  We,  certainly  bear  testimo 
ny  Major,  of  the  salutary  effects  of  "  Reform." — 
And  there  are  hundreds  who  are  as  lamentable  a 
proof  of  the  new  system.  The  Princes  of  the 
Royal  Cabinet,  are  very  assiduous,  no  doubt,  Ma 
jor  in  their  respective  duties. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  No  "mistake"  there    Col, 


26 


though  some  persons  have  the  presumption  to  say 
u  there  is  much  ado,  about  nothing" — among  them. 
But  we  know,  that  the  Duke  of  Intrigue  is  indefat 
igable  in  his  station,  (for  the  welfare  of  the  coun- 
tnj,  there  is  not  a  doubt ;  and  almost  as  good  a  pol 
itician  as  Prince  Henry  J.  Though  some  say  he  is 
superior  in  many  respects.  By  the  by  Col.  that 
Prince  of  Influence  is  a  man  of  some  judgment  in 
the  affairs  of  the  nation.— A  man  of  profound  eru 
dition — as  we  have  incontestible  proofs— from 
various  eloquent  compositions,  befitting  a  Prince 
of  the  Royal  cabinet,  and  the  favorite  of  His  Ma 
jesty.  His  Influential  Highness  is  considered  a 
perfect  Chesterjieldin  politeness  and  refinement, 
(and  next  to  the  Duke  of  Intrigue,}  the  most  saga 
cious  of  any  among  the  Princes  of  the  Reign.  He 
"plays  his  cards"  admirably,  and,  like  his  compet 
itor,  will  assuredly  win  every  game  in  which  he 
is  engaged.  The  Duke  of  Intrigue,  is  also  a  keen 
observer  of  men  and  manners.  Keeps  an  eye 
to  his  own  interest — (and  faith  Col.  where  is  the 
man  who  does  not  ?) — It  is  essential  at  this  day. — 
And  if  a  Crow  is  such  a  fool  as  to  be  cheated  out 
of  her  cheese  through  the  insinuating  wiles  of  the 
crafty  Fox,  it  should  not  be  matter  of  much  sur 
prise  ;  as  Reynard  is  famous  for  sagacity — and  can- 


27 

not  incur  censure  for  seeking  his  own  interest  and 
promotion — even  at  the  expense  of  those  whom 
he  condescends  to  flatter.  By  tlnspolitical  course, 
he  conciliates  friends — a  wise,  plan,  Col. — -for 
''time  of  needf  though  a  man  is  even  high  in  pow 
er,  this  world  is  perpetually  changing;  and  a  man 
scarcely  knows,  now  a  days  when  he  is  on  the 
riff  hi  side  of  the  hedge.  Perhaps  Green  Goblin 
thinks  so  too,  if  he  would  but  confess  it,  although) 
tne  formidable  Editor  is  elevated  to  the  digni 
fied  station  of  privy  counsellor  to  His  "Hickory" 
Highness.  Hear  this,  and  then  you  will  know 
something  more  of  what  is  thought  of  the  political 
character  of  the  Grim  Personage. 

"  To  Green  Goblin  Grim. 
The  writer  of  this,  wishes  to  correct  an  error  iu 
a  note  you  received  some  weeks  since,  wherein  it 
was  stated,  that  she  was  then  decidedly  in  favor  of 
the  present  administration.  It  is  wished  to  be 
now  understood,  that  she  is  decidedly  opposed  to 
the  existing  executive,  when  there  is  neither  prin 
ciple,  nor  common  civility,  evinced  by  those  in 
power  toward  their  most  zealous  advocates. 
Therefore,  ingratitude  hath  changed  the  senti 
ments  of  more  than  one  who  recently  would  have 
risked  their  lives  in  the  cause. 


28 

For  yourself.  Green  Goblin,  you  have  shewn 
110  great  share  of  politeness,  or  Republican  feel 
ing,  to  have  received  the  several  productions  of  an 
American  Authoress,  as  a  compliment,  and  not 
even  to  deign  an  Editorial  notice,  or  an  acknow 
ledgment  of  the  favor,  or  honor  of  her  attention  in 
having  called  on  you,  (though  not  at  home,)  when 
she  left  her  compliments  and  the  works.  But 
they  were  treated  with  contemptuous  silence^ 
(which,  it  is  now  ascertained,  is  not  incompatible 
with  your  character.)  Possibly  you  anticipate  a 
change  in  the  administration,  and  think  it  most 
politic  to  suppress  those  works;  as  you  will,  of 
course,  proportion  principle  to  interest" 

What  think  you  of  that,  Col.  Hardfare  ? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  I  think  Major, thatit  evinces 
a  spirit  of  independence  and  intrepidity,  that  an 
American  Authoress  has  an  unquestionable  right 
to  exercise  over  a  se//-interested,  and  contempti 
ble  Editor- 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  There  is  more  than  one 
"self-interested  and  contemptible  Editor,"  now 
imposing  on  the  credulity  of  their  admiring  friends 
of  the  Cabinet.  Let  them  beware — ore  they  an- 
duped.  Hear  thi? : 


29 

To  His  Highness,  Henry  John,  Prince  of  Influence, 
(the  Royal  Favorite.) 

"Prince  Henry  J.  is  advised  by  a.  friend  to  be 
ware  of  a  Serpent  in  the  Garden  of  Eden,  and  to 
have  an  eye  to  his  domestic  happiness.  A  rep 
tile,  who  would  traduce  respectable  females,  to 
ingratiate  himself  with  most  consumate  assurance? 
into  favor  with  the  Princess  of  Influence,  and  with 
the  certainty  of  effecting  his  diabolical  purpose, 
should  be  spurned  as  a  pest  to  society,  and  may 
be  admitted  once  too  often.  Prince  Henry  J.  may 
rest  assured,  that  this  is  not  "mere  woman's"  af 
fairs.  "  Canary"  birds  sing  sweetly,  yet  Serpents 
can  charm  them.  It  will  be  well  if  a  reptile  does 
not  charm  what  is  of  more  consequence  to  your 
Highness  than  a  "Canary."  " 

COL.HARDFARE.  Bravo!  Major, this  caps  the 
climax.  Ha!  ha!  ha! — what  more  have  you 
there  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  I  hope  you  don't  wish 
more,  on  that  subject,  Col.  It  is  sufficient,  if  pro 
perly  understood ;  and  you  know — "a  word  to  the 
wise,  is  sufficient." 

COL.  HARDFARE.     True,  but  who  do  you  sup 
pose  is  the  wily  serpent  alluded  to  in  this  mysteri 
ous  paper  ? 
4 


30 

J\!AJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Whom  would  you  sup 
pose  but  a  Lying  Sneak,  recently  a  crony  of 
Green  Goblin  Grim.  A  banished  Editor  from 
Pennsylvania  now  in  office  (in  an  inferior  station) 
at  the  Great  city,  through  the  influence  of  the 
Princess  Immaculate*  who,  moved  by  the  sweet 
pleadings  of  two  pretty  u  Canaries,"  to  which  was 
added  that  of  a  more  irresistable  nature,  a  por 
tion  of  the  intoxicating  essence  of  Court  adulation 
— -(now  quite  the  ton)  to  secure  her  Highness' 
favor. 

COL.  HA  RDF  ARE.  You  astonish  me  Major. 
Is  there  really  such  imbecility  at  the  helm  of  Go 
vernment  ?  What  a  deplorable  crisis !  by  Jupiter ! 
for  the  country ! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  A  melancholy  fact,  Col., 
and  there  is  yet  something  truly  ludicrous  in  the 
state  of  affairs  at  Court,  and  in  the  Cabinet.  But 
it  will  soon  take  a  turn — and  their  gay  times  of 
folly  will  be  over. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  How  are  they  getting  on  in 
the  Great  City— and  among  the  Ladies  of  the 
Cabinet,  as  it  respects  friendship  and  harmony 
among  themselves  ?  I  hear  of  some  strange  oc 
currences. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.     As  to  friendship,  Col.,  do 


31 

not,  1  pray  you,  disgrace  the  sacred  word  by  ap 
plying  it  there-  And,  as  to  harmony,  it  is  mere-? 
ly  understood  as  discord  in  their  vocabulary.  But, 
as  a  "house  divided  against  itself,  cannot  stand 
securely,"  so  we  may  soon  see  it  demolished  and 
a  better  one  supply  its  place.  The  sooner  the  bet 
ter  for  the  country.  You  have  no  idea  of  the 
state  of  society  among  the  Royal  Family,  at  pre 
sent.  His  "  Hickory"  Highness  finds  it  extreme-f 
ly  difficult  to  keep  them  on  terms  of  common  civi 
lity.  There  is  so  much  distinction  to  be  observ 
ed  among  the  royal  females,  it  is  positively  enough 
to  disgust  a  man,  and  weary  the  patience  and  foi> 
bearance  of  a  Saint.  There's  the  devil  to  pay 
among  them  at  this  time  I  assure  you,  and  all  about 
an  "amiable  woman."  A  source  of  perpetual 
wrangling,  discord,  and  jealousy.  Their  female 
Highnesses  are  all  up  in  arms--and  keep  a  con 
tinual  buz  like  a  swarm  of  bees,  about  the  privi 
leges  of  the  Princess  of  Influence.  His  •>  Hicko 
ry"  Highness  has  to  extend  his  Royal  protection^ 
or  she  would  have  had  her  beautiful  eyes  picked 
out  long  ago. — There's  the  Lady  "Reform,"  the 
only  female  friend  and  champion  of  Her  Immac 
ulate  Highness — among  the  whole  Cabinet  whom 
^he  fair  Princess  can  rely  on  as  immutable.  The 


others  (en  masse)  have  taken  a  "decided  stmd  in 
arms"  against  Her  Highness—and  such  an  at 
tack  will  puzzle  even  her  Military  protector,  with 
all  his  generalship,  to  parry,  even  when  aided  by 
his  Royal  friend,  who  has  already  descended  from 
the  dignity  of  his  station  to  redress  the  wrongs  of 
the  Immaculate  Rosilia,  because  he  asserts,  she  is 
an  "  amiable  woman,"  and  who  will  presume  to 
question  it  ?  The  Dutchess  of  Jlspiring*  has 
been  the  greatest  opponent  in  the  female  ranks 
against  the  fair  and  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influ 
ence — and  that,  perhaps,  because  she  is  the  Roy 
al  favorite ;  and  the  dignified  Dutchess,  cannot 
tolerate  such  mushroom  Royalty — and  from  such 
a  vulgar  origin.  So  Her  Grace  has  wisely  with 
drawn  from  Court,  (although  the  Palace  was 
never  so  magnificent  as  at  present,)  and  retired 
to  a  remote  spot,  in  all  her  characteristic  dignity 
of  deportment,  that  so  much  annoyed  the  fair 
Princess  of  Influence — who  appears  so  beautifully 
insipid,  and  insignificant  in  the  presence  of  Her 
Grace,  the  accomplished  and  spirited  Dutchess. 
If  aught  can  wound  the  pride  and  sensibility  of 
the  Princess  Immaculate,  it  is  the  ineffable  scorn 
of  the  noble  Dutchess  of  Aspiring ;  who  openly 
avows  her  hostility  to  Her  Immaculat e  Highness — 

"Hon.  Mrs.  C— h— n. 


33 

and  will  not  be  contaminated  by  the  same  atmos 
phere.  There's  female  spirit  for  you  Col. — by 
Jupiter!  I  admire  it! — A  woman  of  good  sense 
and  genuine  wit,  can  support  her  dignity  to  ad-i 
vantage,  and  make  a  pretty  novice  in  Court  polish 
and  etiquette — look  very  ridiculous — but  the 
fair  Princess  evinces  extreme  sensibility,  on  some 
occasions — the  tears  of  beauty  are  irresistible — 
the  toughest  heart  is  ever  moved  to  compassion 
and  sympathy.  Faith  Col.,  I  don't  know  that 
mine,  old  and  rugged  as  I  am,  could  be  hardened 
against  an  "amiable  woman."  We  all  have  our 
weak  side — and  you  know— -that  a  man — is  but 
a  man — after  all — and — 

COL.  HARDPARE.  And — a  woman  is  but  a  wo 
man  we  know,  Major — but — 

MA.T.  DAUNTLESS.  Human  nature  is  not  per 
fect,  we  know — and  therefore — 

COL.  HARDFARE.  We  should  have  Christian 
charity  for  each  other's  failings. 

MAJ,  DAUNTLESS.  Most  certainly,  good  Col. 
but  there  should  be  humility  and  contrition  (in 
some  degree)  to  excite  the  sympathy  and  inter 
est  of  the  charitably  disposed  part  of  the  world. 
Whereas,  there  is  evidently  too  much  arrogance, 
and  consciousness  of  indisputable  sway  *,  to  con- 

4* 


34 

ciliate  many  friends ;  even  for  an  "  amiable  wo 
man."  But  the  Princess  of  Influence  knows  the 
world — and  says  it  is  a  "crooked  path,"  to  get 
through.  No  doubt  she  has  been  entangled  in 
many  a  labyrinth  in  her  sojourneyings.  By  the  by. 
Her  Immaculate  Highness  is  no  chicken,  \  can 
assure  you — Col.  she  "wears  well"  in  the  com 
mon  phrase,  has  an  imposing  manner,  and  which, 
by  the  by,  is  assumed  on  certain  occasions,  as  im 
portant  to  gain  her  Doint.  Which  is  certainly  a 
faculty,  few  among  her  female  opponents  in  the 
cabinet  can  boast.  She  is  now  at  the  very  pinnacle 
of  nower  so  long  as  it  lasts — and  an  "amiable  wo 
man,"  can  surelv  philosophise  amid  some  "crook 
ed"  paths,  who  has  Majesty  to  support  her  on  one 
side,  and  Henry  J.,  Prince  of  Influence,  on  the 
other,  and  both  military  characters  into  the  bar 
gain!  Bravo!  Col.,  Hurrah!  for  the  army! — the 
military  carry  the  day! — Love  and  Valor  re 
warded! — Huzza!  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Why  do  you  cry  "Hazza! 
Col.?"  I  am  only  Col.  Hard  fare  you  know,  and 
have  no  "amiable  woman"  to  console  me  for  be 
ing  thrust  out  of  office — to  make  room  for — 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye — for  a  rogue,  who 
could  lie  himself  into  your  place,  by  flattering  the 
follies  and  imbecility  of  those  who  have  power 


35 

to  promote  him !     Never  mind  Col.,  all  will  be 
right  again  in  a  little  time. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Perhaps  so — but  not  for 
me,  /  am  forgotten  now  at  Court.  But  there  are 
some  who  may  yet  bask  in  fortune's  favors, 
through  the  influence  of  the  fair  medium — we 
may  suppose,  and  obtain  eligible  situations  from 
Government,  since  they  need  not  despair  with  the 
help  of  "  Canaries,"  you  say — nor  yet  need  we, 
Major — 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.     D :n  the  "  Canaries  !" 

Col.  and  the  "fair  medium"  may  go  to  the  D — I 
for  me.  I  have  too  much  honesty  to  cringe  or 
bribe  for  an  office.  I  fought  the  battles  of  my 
country,  and  if  that  does  not  entitle  me  to  a  liv 
ing  in  my  native  land — let  me  starve,  while 
rogues  fatten  and  flourish  on  the  portion  of  hon 
est  men.  And  this,  they  impose  on  us  as  "  Re- 
form" — but  the  day  of  retribution  will  arrive. 
Many,  like  myself,  have  dragged  out  weeks  and 
months  in  the  metropolis  to  no  purpose,  but  to 
leave  what  cash  they  took  with  them  to  circulate 
among  the  greedy  citizens,  who  have  become  like 
sharks,  since  the  present  administration  has  ren 
dered  the  circulation  of  specie  so  scarce.  I  could 
not  get  zfive  dollar  United  States'  bill  changed  on 
my  arrival  early  in  the  season,  but  for  mutilated 


36 

rags  of  corporation  currency,  which  will  soon  be 
of  no  more  value  than  our  continental  bills  after 
the  Revolutionary  war.  This  is  a  "tough  Hick" 
or//1'  lime,  truly!  even  in  the  Great  City — where 
hundreds  of  good  men  are  also  "turned  out"  to 
sl.jirvo,  because  they  did  not  contribute  to  the  ele 
vation  of  an  Idol,  who  is  now  worshipped  by  an 
infatuated  par!  y,  who  will  soon  repent  their  folly, 
as  the  "  Hickory"*  club,  is  transformed  to  a  rod  of 
iron.  Some  of  the  party  have  recovered  then- 
senses  in  time  to  save  their  credit — and  we  may 
soon  see  a  complete  revolution  in  the  Cabinet, 
and  honesty,  and  modest  merit  rewarded. — Huz 
za-1  for  a  triu.nph! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Well,  truly  Major,  these  are 
great  proceedings  at  the  Great  city,  I  have  form 
ed  a  droll  idea  of  Yankee  Doodle  Court.  Come, 
let  us  drink  bumpers  (of  cider,  mind  you,  for  we 
can  afford  no  champaigne  or  madeira  now  we  are 
"proscribed")  to  the  downfall  of  the  present  ad 
ministration  of  political  injuctice  and  oppression. 
Thank  God,  I  can  sleep  soundly  in  my  humble 
mansion,  far  from  the  cares,  and  broils,  and  tur 
moils  of  a  Court.  Eat  my  crust,  and  drink  the 
produce  of  my  orchard. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Yes,  Col.  Hardfare,  you 
have  yet  possession  of  what,  even  Royalty  cannot. 


37 


deprive  you;  a  conscience,  clear  as  this  glass  of 
sparkling  cider,  which,  with  this  brown  bread,  the 
staff  of  life,  and  this  chunk  of  cheese,  will  prevent 
that  fashionable  disease  dispepsia — which  should 
only  torment  a  Court.  I  should  have  caught  it 
myself,  or  rather  it  would  have  caught  me — had  I 
become  a  favored  visitor  there.  So  I  console  my 
self  for  reverse  of  fortune;  swallow  our  hard  fate, 
and  sleep  soundly  without  an  anodyne.  Good 
night  Col,  Hardfare,  remember  Major  Dauntless's 
philosophy 


CHAPTER  II. 


.  HARDFARE.  Good  morning  Maj.  Daunt 
less,  how  did  your  old  bones  rest  last  night,  after 
your  long  journey  to  this  quiet  valley,  and  after 
our  political  repast?  I  suppose  that  Morpheus 
visited  you  uninvoked  with  his  poppies,  and  af 
forded  you  a  pleasing  respite  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Yes,  Col.  a  sound  constitu 
tion  and  a  clear  conscience,  is  the  greatest  bless 
ing  in  life.  Even  amid  reverse  of  fortune,  and 
abject  poverty  itself,  these  can  soothe  and  remune 
rate  us.  And  if  we  are  forgotten  by  the  world, 
since  Dame  Fortune,  or  Court  favor  has  forgot 
ten  us,  why  should  we  repine,  when  our  journey 
of  life  is  so  near  at  an  end.  Though  it  is  certain 
ly  cruel  to  be  thus  curtailed  by  "proscription" — 
we  are  those  of  other  days — the  times  that  "tried 
men's  souls!"  But  their  toils!  their  struggles! 
are  forgotten  amid  the  luxury  and  ingratitude  of 
the  present  day.  Thank  God !  Col.  we  are  drop- 


99 

ping  into  oblivion  like  the  "autumnal  leaves"  of 
the  forest !  We  soon  must  mingle  with  the  dust 
of  the  land  for  which  we  fought !  A  few — a 
very  few  more  winters !  and  not  a  vestige  will  re 
main  of  the  patriotic  defenders  of  the  soil ! — 
Oh !  my  Country !  my  Country !  How  dear  to 
the  heart  of  the  soldier,  is  the  soil  for  which  he 
bled!  my  dying  benediction  shall  be  thine!  al 
though  (I  almost  choak  to  utter  it !)  I  am  unre 
quited  in  helpless  age,  and  reverse  of  fortune,  in 
the  land  for  which  I  fought  and  bled,  in  the  ar 
dour  of  youthful  patriotism !  But,  let  it  pass ! — • 
yet,  ah!  Col.  Hardfare,  I  fear  that  the  love  of 
power  is  a  growing  evil  among  the  great — Self 
interest!  injustice!  dissimulation!  and  all  the 
catalogue  of  evils  prevailing,  since  the  great !  the 
Immortal  Washington!  (the  only  true  father  of 
his  country!)  has  been  taken  from  us!  My  soul  is 
sick  of  the  contrast.  Let  me  sink  to  rest!— 
There  is  nought  now  worth  living  for !— -  let  a  de 
voted  Patriot  die ! — and  be  forgotten ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Heaven  forbid!  good  Ma 
jor  Dauntless,  that  the  signal  services  of  the  Re 
volutionary  Heroes,  should  be  obliterated  from  the 
remembrance  of  all  Americans !  True,  we  live 
but  to  regret  the  errdrs  and  follies  of  the  present 


40 

day.     But  the  storm  of  oppression  may  soon  sub 
side,  and  all  be  well  again. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Heaven  grant  it  may,  Col, 
But  what  think  you  of  the  ingratitude,  as  well  as 
injustice,  that  prevails  at  Court  ? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  That  we  ought  to  know  is. 
a  matter  of  course,  good  Major !  why  should  that 
surprise  you  ?  It  has  ever  been  the  case  we  readT 
in  the  history  of  all  Courts — and  why  should  we 
suppose  our  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  would  not 
endeavour  to  exhibit  a.  perfect  imitation  of  Roy 
alty?  False  promises  are  the  characteristic  fea 
tures  of  Majesty,  and  power  makes  itself  con 
spicuous  by  instability,  even  to  sycophants. 
Nothing  so  precarious  as  Court  smiles  and  favors, 
Major.  It  looks  like  dignity,  you  know,  to  awe 
the  multitude,  and  command  the  homage  of  as 
tonished  and  admiring  fools.  Truth  wears  too 
plain  a  garb  to  be  admitted  at  Court — and  blunt 
honesty  is  too  antiquated — it  would  be  laughed 
at,  among  the  polished  princes  of  "jRe/orm." 
We  are  now  advancing  rapidly  in  civilization  and 
refinement,  as  a  great  and  powerful  nation,  it  is 
very  evident — so  we  must  submit  the  direction  of 
national  affairs  to  the  wise  princes  of  the  Yankee 
Doodle  Court : — and  rest  assured  there  is  more 
than  one  Solomon  among  them.  The  "ivise  men 


41 

«f  Gotham^  are  there  to  a  certainty — Major,  we 
are  the  humble  subjects  of  a  wise  and  glorious 
reign  of  "  Reform." 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.  Hardfare,  if  we 
are  satisfied  to  be  "led  by  the  nose  ;"  but,  for 
myself,  I  have  not  the  good  fortune  to  possess 
sufficient  prominency  of  that  dignified  feature, 
(like  the  Green  Goblin)  and  it  would  be  ex 
tremely  difficult,  for  even  the  most  resolute  among 
them,  or  their  contemptible  party,  to  attempt  any 
such  discipline  with  old  Major  Dauntless.  I 
have  fire  enough  yet  in  my  composition  to  blow 
them  all  to  the  D — 1  ere  /  will  be  trampled  on. 
Here  is  a  manuscript,  which  merits  attention  from 
all  true  supporters  of  our  national  rights  and  pri 
vileges — hear  it,  and  I  will  elucidate  more  fully 
hereafter. 

"The  present  administration  is  evidently  the 
reign  of  Despotism,  under  the  garb  of  Republi 
canism,  however  policy  may  endeavour  to  veil  it. 
Many  of  the  people  already  feel  the  rod  and 
writhe  under  the  unjust  and  indiscriminate  course 
pursued  by  those  in  power.  Murmurings  are  al 
ready  heard,  and  dissatisfaction  is  apparent  in 
many  countenances,  recently  expressive  of  plea 
sure  and  pride  at  th«  change  of  administration. 
5 


Alas !  "poor  human  nature  /"  Too  much  pros 
perity  can  change  even  those,  whom  it  was 
thought,  were  superior  to  circumstance  or  situa 
tion.  Splendour,  and  unbounded  devotion  from 
enthusiastic  thousands,  can  ('HUSO  even  the  stern 
and  rugged  soldier,  to  forgot  himself!  Yes!  to 
forget  that  his  dignified  station  is*  the  gift  of  the 
"people,"  and  he  should  not  now  forget,  and 
even  insuli  his  friends ;  and  thus  compel  them  to 
become  his  enemies ;  after  they  have  most  enthu 
siastically  espoused  his  cause.  At  least,  not  .so 
ungallantly  to  have  wounded  the  feelings  of  an 
American  jHutiioress,  whoso  pen  has  been  iride- 
fatigably  devoted  to  the  "Hero,"  for  at  least/c/)/r 
years!  And  with  the  most  unparralleied  disin 
terestedness,  as  is  evident  from  so  early  a  date. 
Yet  her  talents,  however  feeble,  arc  her  only  re 
source.  She  wrote  in  praise  of  the  u//ero,r 
through  a  purely  patriotic  motive,  until  her  no 
tional  ardour  impelled  her  into  difficulties  of  u. 
pecuniary  nature,  which  had  for  some  length  of 
time  placed  her,  and  those  who  depend  on  her 
exertions,  in  a  situation  inconceivably  embarrass 
ing.  This  was  well  known  to  the  great  person 
age,  whose  military  achievements  have  been-  the 
i  home  of  her  productions,  and  to  whom  she  was 


43 

at  length  compelled  to  make  application,  as  to 
the  father  of  her  country,  and  in  behalf  of  her 
aged  father,  who  for  many  years,  has  experienced 
reverse  of  fortune — was  a  Revolutionary  patriot, 
and  an  officer  of  rank  and  fortune.  But  now, 
(Alas!)  at  the  advanced  age  of  eighty-one  years, 
depending  on  the  success  of  a  daughter's  literary 
productions ;  who,  herself,  born  to  better  fortune, 
has  long  contended  with  an  overwhelming  tor 
rent  of  oppression  and  injustice.  This  is  indeed, 
a  case  unparralleled!  The  appeal  was  in  vain! 
Magnificence  and  luxury,  amid  the  adulation  of  a 
Court,  has  rendered  the  "//sroV  heart,  callous 
to  the  calls  of  humanity.  Let  it  bo  not  recorded 
on  the  annals  of  our  country,  that  the  man,  who 
had  the  support  of  the  "people,"  to  exalt  him  to 
the  first  place  in  the  nation;  could,  on  the  appli 
cation  of  one  of  the  female  writers  of  the  country, 
(and  one  to  whose  pen  he  is  obligated,)  whom 
lie  had  previously  received  in  the  most  gracious 
and  conciliating  manner;  and  although  but  a  few 
months  had  elapsed — to  then,  through  caprice  or 
the  interference  of  some  malicious  political  ene 
my,  refuse  her  admittance  to  his  august  presence : 
until,  on  a  second  application — and  then,  to  have 
been  reluctantly  admitted  into  his  princely  man- 


44 

sion  :  Where,  after  an  hour  had  elapsed  in  sus 
pense,  this  great  personage  made  his  appearance. 
But,  not  with  the  deportment  of  one,  who  had 
been  so  long  eulogised  by  the  pen  of  the  unas 
suming  individual,  who  thus  humbly  craved  his 
attention  for  a  few  moments,  although  she  had 
been  enthusiastic  enough  in  her  patriotic  feelings 
four  years  previous,  to  have  devoted  many  days 
for  a  theatrical  exhibition*  in  honor  of  the 
"  Hero  /"  where  herself  and  daughter,  took  the 
principal  characters  in  the  Drama,  and  at  no 
small  expense  and  fatigue.  This  was  a  volun 
tary  act;  and  would  not  have  been  thus  spoken 
of  in  this  place,  but  to  shew  the  ingratitude  of 
which  some  men  are  capable.  The  look  of 
savage  ferocity  with  which  this  formidable  per 
sonage  burst  into  the  parlour,  where  his  visiter 
sat  alone  and  defenceless;  (perhaps  her  sear, for 
tunately  for  her,  at  that  moment  of  his  unac- 
pQuntafyle  rage,  prevented  her  being  kicked  out  of 
doors ;  as  his  voice  and  manner  indicated  a  cor 
responding  hostility,)  and  who  arose  with  all  due 
respect  for  the  great  personage,  who  then  strode 
up  to  her  in  the  most  threatening  and  appalling 

*  Cincinnati,    (O.)   March    25ih,    1825 —Among   the 
highly  respectable  Thespian  corps  of  that  city. 


45 

manner,  declaring  in  a  hurried  and  ferocious 
tone,  that  lie  was  "very  much  engaged  at  that 
time,  and  had  not  a  moment  to  spare  then,  nor 
for  some  weeks."  Not  even  deigning  to  recog 
nise  the  eulogiser  of  his  military  achievements 
and  his  triumphs.  Also  one,  who  had  boldly 
vindicated  the  virtues  of  his  late  persecuted  con 
sort  ;  and  in  defiance  of  her  numerous  enemies. 
Where  was  the  gratitude  of  a  man,  so  recently 
elevated  to  the  exalted  station  of  Chief  Ruler, 
of  the  greatest  Republic  in  the  world  ?  Where 
was  the  wonted  gallantry  of  the  soldier  ?  Where 
the  respect  for  the  female  character  ?  Is  there 
really  but  one  "amiable  woman"  among  the  sex, 
that  all  others  are  to  bo  treated  with  insolence  ? 
Indeed,  such  was  the  effect  produced  on  the 
mind  of  his  unoffending  visitor,  by  the  extraordi 
nary  and  unjustlfiabh  deportment  and  language 
of  the  Military  Despot,  that  years  will  not  efface 
it  from  her  memory.  She  was  an  unprotected 
depressed  woman — an  Authoress,  and  a  candi 
date  for  the  literary  patronage  of  her  countrymen. 
Here  stood  the  man  whom  she  had  for  years  made 
the  theme  of  her  poetic  flights,  and  several  litera 
ry  productions.  No  compliment  or  compensa 
tion,  had  he  ever  tendered  her — none  had  she 


46 

craved  or  solicited,  for  those  services.  But  nou\ 
at  the  very  zenith  of  his  power,  she  modestly  ap 
peared  to  crave  his  suffrage — not  so  much  for 
herself  and  daughter,  as  for  her  aged  and  infirm 
parent,  now  bowed  to  the  earth  with  complicated 
misfortunes,  and  bearing  a  wearisome  existence 
in  the  land  for  which  he  fought.  But  the  proud 
personage  stood  aloof!  His  towering  figure 
stood  more  erect  than  usual,  and  with  a  reced 
ing  step,  he  even  repulsed  her  respectful  greet 
ing,  as  he  drew  back  in  disdain  !  Oh !  arro 
gance  !  and  inhumanity !  how  despicable  in  a 
man  elevated  by  the  "voice  of  thepeo,«/e,"  to  the 
highest  seat  in  the  nation!  An  individual  on 
whom  the  nation  has  heaped  honors  and  magnifi 
cence,  equal  to  any  sovereign  in  Europe,  (and 
certainly  incompatible  with  a  republican  govern 
ment,)  should  have  evinced  his  gratitude  by 
attending  to  the  petition  of  filial  affection 
and  duty  at  least,  from  one  to  whose  pen  he  mi7?t 
consider  himself  indebted.  But,  alas !  there  is  lit 
tle  to  hope  from  those  in  power,  when  circum 
stance  and  situation  can  change  them  so  material 
ly.  Short  will  be  the  reign  of  tTrogant  power? 
Sovereigns  are  influenced  by  the  i>  ministers,  but 
thanks  to  the  framers  of  our  gh  restitution* 


47 

and  *hose  who  established  our  liberties  on  a  per 
manent  basis, — that  if  our  Chief  Ruler  prove  a 
Tyrant,  or  a  Despot,  his  reign  is  limited.  And 
another  will  succeed  who  may  administer  justice. 
The  energies  of  those  who  have  extolled  false 
merit,  are  not  to  be  paralized  by  the  coldness  of 
ingratitude.  There  are  stars  of  superior  bril 
liance  yet  to  succeed;  and  to  the  West  we  look 
for  more  illumination  than  at  present  we  receive 
from  the  Palace,  even  with  its  brilliant  decora 
tions,  and  the  (supposed)  combination  of  talent 
in  the  Cabinet." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True!  on  the  honor  of  a 
soldier.  And  who  do  you  suppose  is  the  author 
of  these  bold  remarks  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  A  woman  Col.,  and  no 
other  than  the  insulted  and  indignant  Authoress 
of  the  "  Hero's"  late  brilliant  "  Triumph."  I  give 
her  credit  for  exposing  the  baseness  of  those 
who  had  professed  for  her  the  warmest  friendship, 
and  th'is  fulfilled  the  sacred  promise — with  a  ven 
geance  !  by  Jupiter ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  These  are  glorious  times 
Major.  I  blush  for  that  exalted  personage — who 
lost  sight  of  his  own  dignity,  when  he  forgot  the 
respect  due  to  the  writer  who  eulogised  him  at 


48 

the  expense  of  friends  and  loss  of  pecuniary  re 
sources.  "O  shame !  where  is  thy  blushf" — "In-! 
gratiude"  is  the  greatest  of  crimes.  And  no  man 
can  be  called  truly  great — who  may  be  charged 
with  it.  The  literary  services  of  a  female  have  e- 
ver  a  claim  on  her  countrymen — and  much  more 
from  the  personage  in  question. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Do  you  forget  that  this  is 
the  Reign  of  "Reform,"  Col.?  The  order  of 
things  is  reversed.  But  let  us  remember  that  the 
"people"  rule,  and  the  first  step  toward  Despot 
ism  must  be  checked,  or  our  liberty  will  be  barter 
ed  for  chains.  "Reform"  and  "Retrenchment," 
say  they.  Oh!  truly,  with  a  vengeance!  'tis  a 
"  tough  Hickory"  day  and  lamentable  indeed,  when 
"charity"  is  the  expiring  hope  of  the  remnant  of 
despised  Revolutionary  veterans.  'Tis  cold  con 
solation  truly !  and  cold  enough  at  Court,  God 
knows.  The  last  place  to  look  for  it  on  earth. 
By  the  by,  I  have  the  copy  of  the  letter,  or  petition* 
addressed  to  His  Hickory  Highness,  from  the 
daughter  of  the  superannuated  veteran  and  revolu 
tionary  patriot — the  father  of  the  Authoress — 
and  which  will  convince  you  of  the  "  milk  of  hu 
man  kindness"  that  is  to  be  found  at  Court,  and 
with  a  Hero  of  renown  toward  the  veterans  of 


49 

tar  I  if  wars — -whose  unobtrusive  character  has 
an  indubitable  claim  on  Majesty  itself!  But, 
alas  !  not  even  filial  piety,  Oh !  no !  for  he  never 
knew  the  sublime  sensations  of  a  parent's  heart, 
toward  a  dutiful  daughter  struggling  for  a  parent's 
support ;  and  then  to  be  spurned !  insulted !  Oh  Col. 
it  is  too  much  !  even  that  letter]  will  you  believe 
me  ?  was  treated  with  contemptuous  silence.  Yes, 
by  the  God  of  War !  and  to  the  eternal  disgrace 
of  Majesty ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  You  weep!  Major!  By 
Heaven  the  heart-feh  tears  of  the  honest  soldier 
are  glory  to  him — they  are  recorded  on  Heaven's 
great  tablet ;  and  I  revere  you  for  your  noble 
sympathy  for  a  fellow  creature. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Alas!  'tis  all /have  to  give; 
but  yor  are  astonished  Col.  at  a  symptom  of  com 
mon  humanity  in  these  "tough  Hickory"  times? 
That's  true,  they  are  tough  enough,  God  knows ! 
B  't  hope  there'll  soon  be  an  end  to  them  Col., 
that's  our  consolation,  though  /  may  not  live  to 
see  it.  No  matter !  it  will  be  all  over  with  old 
Major  Dauntless  before  long — but,  let  him  get 
the  irh nip,  o4?  the  ura£  ovf  of  the  fta^r"  first  Col., 
as  it  is  T  who  am  in  possession  of  more  Court 
secrets  than  they  are  aware  of.  Let  me  get  to  the* 


climax,  before  I  get  shoved  oil'  into  old  *•  Dnry 
Jones'*  locker,"  as  the  sailor  says ;  and  by  the  Go.! 
of  War!  Col.,  the  most  honest  class  of  men  in  the 
world — give  me  a  Jack  Tar  yet  for  liberality  and 
integrity.  I  have  known  many  of  them,  and 
speak  from  experience.  The  Duke  of  Twig,  1 
dare  say,  lias  his  hands  full  of  business  for  the 
Navy.  He  should  be  a  patient  man,  for  the.-;- 
honest  fellows  deserve  attention.  They  toil 
harder  than  the  army,  and  should  be  as  well  paid, 
if  not  better ;  and  every  grievance  listened  to  with 
patient  respect  for  the  character  of  the  sailor. 
How  an  honest  tar  despises  the  "land  lubber," 
who  is  mean,  and  mercenary,  and  cold  hearted! 

"D n  me!"  says  Jack,  "you  land  tortoise! 

you  are  not  worth  a  toss  to  the  shark  ft  !  or  the 
D — Ps  own  fetching!"  True  enough  Col.,  we 
should  fare  better  with  a  sailor  at  the  helm  of  go 
vernment.  At  all  events,  we  should  haye  free 
access  to  the  Palace,  and  "sailor's  rights,"  in 
the  ship — -don't  you  think  so  Col.? 

COL.  HARDFAUE.  We  could  not  certainly  faro 
worse  than  at  present,  that's  true — but  patience ! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS,  Very  true.  It  is  a"/on# 
lane  that  has  no  turn,"  you  know — so  let  us  pray 
for  fair  weather  and  a  better  pilot,  to  get  us  through 
in  these  tumultuous  times,  or  "D.  I.  O."old  as  I 


am.  to  some  spot  in  the  western  wilds,  where  I 
can  laugh  at  the  turmoils  of  a  Yankee  Doodle 
Court. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  That  "D.  I.  O."  is  an  ex 
cellent  phrase  in  some  cases,  Major. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  It  is  si/|>er-excellent,  and 
so  very  applicable  as  you  observe,  in  "some  cases." 
Her  Immaculate  Highness  is  delighted  to  see 
these  initials  on  the  cards  of  some  poor  disap 
pointed  applicants  for  office,  who  have  danced 
attendance  at  Her  Highness's  drawing  room,  for 
months  in  succession,  and  at  length  had  to  retire 
from  "  Court,"  with  empty  pockets,  and  an  aching 
heart.  Time  to  "be  off!"  you  know,  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Why  did  they  not  procure 
•;  Canaries  ?" 

?>[AJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Ah!  that  indeed!  I  sup 
pose  the  poor  fellows  were  not  in  possession  of 
this  important  Court  secret.  But  I  do  not  think 
even  "  Canaries,"  without  the  introduction  of  a 
couplet,  or  sonnet,  addressed  to  Her  Immacul  ate 
Highness's  "eye  brows,"  would  have  been  of  any 
avail.  Apropos  I — I  have  one  of  those  irresista- 
ble  compositions  now  in  my  pacquet,  and  will 
read  it  for  your  benefit,  if  you  should  be  disposed 
to  apply  at  Court,  or  to  the  fafr  and  Immaculate 
Princess  of  Influence.  You  may  i*ow  have  some 


52 

idea  o^the  style  and  manner  requisite  to  succeed. 
It  is  anonymous,  and  written  in  a  beautiful  dan 
dy-like  hand,  most  exquisitely  fine.  It  has  pro 
bably  been  unfortunately  lost  by  some  of  the 
Court  Butterflies,  before  it  met  the  eyes  of  Her 
Immaculate  Highness,  which  has  assuredly  griev 
ed  the  poor  devil  in  office.  Hear  it ! — 

"To  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  Rosilia,  Fair 
Princess  of  Influence,  these  lines  are  most 
Devotedly  addressed : 

"  O  charming  Princess !  do  accept  our  thanks, 
Your  intercession — keep  us  "  in  the  ranks." 
We're  at  your  service— e'en  by  night  or  day, 
To  fight  your  cause, !  So,  prithee  !  hold  your  sway. 
Smile  still  enchantin  ?!y  ! — We  know  your pow'r  f 
We're  sure  of 'offices — at  any  hour! 
For  Majesty  itself  can  ne'er  deny, 
When  you  solicit,  with  a  smile,  or  sigh  ! 
To  serve  your  friends — who  never  will  forget. 
Their  obligation — and  reward  you  yet. 
Prince  Henry  may  need  friends — we're  at  com 
mand, 

Your  smiles  we  prize,  and  kiss  your  liberal  hand. 
You  hold  the  reins  !  a  nation  bows  to  you, 
The  favorite  Princess!  then  receive  your  due; 
The  homage  of  our  hearts  !  your  course  pursue ! 


To  speak  our  thanks — e'en  language  is  too  weak; 

"  Canaries,"  praise  you — and  Sir  Lying  Sneak  : 

Whose  petite  figure  in  your  reticule, 

Might  safe  be  screen'd — a  pretty  "  lady's  fool." 

For  he's  at  variance,  with  Goblin  Grim, 

But  you'll  protect — will  surely  shelter  him. 

Altho'  his  sneaking  figure  is  well  known, 

He  is  a  "  perfect  gentleman"  we  own. 

As  such — who'd  dare  to  question  his  veracity  ? 

But  all  the  Lying  Sneaks  have  much  audacity." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Admirable!  indeed  Ma 
jor  !  but,  in  some  measure,  enigmatical. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  O  it's  well  understood  at 
the  great  City  and  at  Court.  Double  entendre 
is  something  belonging  to  Court<  you  must  know, 
Col.,  and  we  must  have  a  little  for eign  etiquette 
and  ton  to  give  a  little  polish  and  refinement  to 
our  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  where  the  nobility 
play  "High  Life  below  Stairs,"  and  will  serve  to 
amuse  the  world,  with  some  ludicrous  scenes,  at 
all  events.  It  proves  what  they  would  do— if 
they  could.  What  would  some  of  our  Immortal 
patriots  of  former  times,  think  and  say  about  this 
wonderful  reign  of  "Reform,"  could  they  see  it 
now,  and  the  dazzling  splendor  of  the  Yankee 
Doodle  Court,  in  these  Hickory  times?  Their 
6 


54 

spirits  would  sigh  at  the  folly  and  vanity  of li  poor 
human  nature  !"  But,  what  would  astonish  them 
most,  would  be  the  great  dissention  about  an 
"  amiable  woman,"  and  all  the  affairs  of  the  na 
tion  thrown  into  confusion,  through  that,  and  va 
rious  other  causes.  "  Too  many  cooks"  we  know, 
always  make  confusion  and  waste;  especially 
when  they  don't  understand  their  business.  One 
thing,  however,  is  very  certain,  that  every  hireling 
looks  for  his  pay,  whether  it  has  been  earned  or 
not.  But "  Reform,"  will  settle  and  arrange  eve 
ry  thing  to  the  best  advantage,  we  may  rest  as 
sured,  Col.  I  will  now  tell  you  a  ludicrous  cir 
cumstance  that  took  place  while  I  was  in  the 
great  City :  strolling  alone  on  the  great  prome 
nade  near  the  Palace,  I  met  a  boy  carrying  a  pair 
of  u  Canaries"  (you  laugh,  already,  Col.)  of  most 
delicate  plumage :  who  were  jumping  about  and 
singing  most  joyfully ;  (as  well  they  might,  you 
say,  when  they  were  to  be  so  honored)  and  the 
very  emblems  of  innocence,  (you  smile  significant, 
ly,  Col.)  I  stopped  to  amuse  myself,  and  asked 
the  boy,  where  he  was  going  to  take  them  ?  "  To 
the  Princess  of  Influence,"  said  he,  "also  this  let 
ter."  "Oh!  a  billet  doux!"  I  exclaimed.  "Hern! 
— truly  I- — all  right,  boy,"  (very  romantic  and 
complimentary!  thought  I.)  "What  did  those 


birds  cost  ?"  "  Twenty  doZkrs,sir,  cage  and  all'5 
"Indeed!"  I  exclaimed,  "a  very  moderate  sum. 
truly,  to  procure  (without  fail)  an  office  of  $1500 
per  annum.  Hem!  and  the  '  billet  douxj  boy,  is 
from  the  same  person  ?  I  suppose."  ttJVYw  /"  ut 
tered  the  boy  with  a  look  of  stupidity.  "What  is 
his  name  ?"  I  demanded,  "  Why  I  dont  remember 
his  name,  but  I  know  its  not  like  "  Billy  .Do." 
:  Well,  it's  from  the  gentleman  who  sends  the 
'  Canaries ,' — is  it  not  ? — Who  is  he  ?"  "I  don't 
know ;  but  he's  only  a  little  man  who  is  come  to 
see  the  great  folks  at  the  Palace,  and  above 
there."  "  O,  true !  boy,  every  "  little  man,"  is  not 
a  gentleman,  we  know.  Put  you  have  some  trou 
ble  with  those  birds ;  will  he  recompense  you  ?" 
"  1  don't  think  as  how  he  has  much  pence  for  him 
self,  for  he  has  been  a  month  at  our  hotel,  and 
Master  always  contrives  to  get  all  the  money,  be- 
case  he  belongs  to  the  Jackson  folks,  and  I  heard 
'em  say,  they  will  take  all  they  get  hold  of.  The 
little  man  belongs  to  the  Jackson  folks,  and  says 
he  will  have  money  enough  when  he  gets  his  office, 
and  then  he'll  pay  all  his  debts."  Here  I  burst 
into  an  immoderate  fit  of  laughter,  at  the  simplici 
ty  of  the  poor  boy,  who  appeared  quite  satisfied  to 
wait  for  the  fulfilment  of  the  promise,  of  one  of 


56 

the  "Jackson  folks,"  which  will  certainly  not  prove 
fallacious  ;  and  with  the  intercession  of"  Cana 
ries,"  and  a  poetical  billet  doux  !  O  Jupiter ! 
what  a  ludicrous  state  of  affairs  at  the  great  City. 

COL,  HARDFARE.  Yes,  truly,  Major,  I  should 
be  apprehensive  of  having  such  flocks  of  "  Cana 
ries,"  from  all  parts  of  the  Union  were  J  Prince 
of  *  Influence,"  that  I  should  certainly  limit  these 
gallant  presents  to  her  Immaculate  Highness— 
They  will  certainly  be  a  very  great  incumberance 
to  remove,  among  many  other  superfluous  trifles 
in  her  Highness's  establishment.  Why,  Major, 
there  is,  truly,  a  bird  mania  at  the  Yankee  Doo 
dle  Court.  What  will  be  the  result  of  this  folly  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  It  would  be  well  for  us, 
and  too  many  others,  Col.  Hardfare,  if  there 
were  not  a  more  formidable  and  destructive 
"mania,"  among  the  Princes  of  the  reign  of  "  Re 
form,"  to  spread  ruin  and  desolation  throughout 
the  country.  They  are  running  mad  with  "pro 
scription" 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Verified  alas!  by  too  many  r 
But,  the  influence  of  that  "  amiable  woman"  at 
Court,  should  be  limited  or  entirely  stopped.  It 
must  soon  get  to  the  climax. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Ah!  Col.  Hardfare,  you 
are  an  old  bachelor,  and  do  not  consider  the  ir- 


57 

resistible  power  which  an  "amiable  woman,"  ob 
tains  over  the  susceptible  hearts  of  men  of  senti 
ment  and  extreme  sensibility.  The  Immaculate 
Rosilia  is  the  Princess  of  Influence  ;  and  conse 
quently  her  will — a  law.  There,  you  have  it ! — 
Do  you  want  an  office,  Col.?  If  you  have  any 
serious  ideas  of  making  application,  you  are  now 
in  possession  of  the  secret ;  and  are  indebted  to 
me  for  the  discovery. Ha!  ha!  ha!  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Spare  me!  good  Major. — 
I  thank  you  for  the  interest  you  take  for  my  wel 
fare — but.  so  long  as  my  fields  afford  me  suste 
nance,  and  my  daily  labour  about  my  little  ground, 
secures  to  me  a  sound  constitution,  and  a  con 
tented  mind — I  would  spurn  their  favors  at  Court, 
when  they  are  to  be  purchased  by  adulation  and 
dissimulation,  at  the  expense  of  my  conscience. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Bravo!  good  Col.,  you 
are  my  own  man !  Give  ine  your  hand  ?  I  revere 
your  sentiments, — 

"An  honest  man's  the  noblest  work  of  God !" 

Princes  are  too  fond  of  the  intoxicating  essence 
of  flattery.  I  am  a  plain  old  soldier,  and  cannot 
lie  against  my  conscience.  The  coward  who  can 
do  so,  obtains  the  reward  of  his  baseness, 

6* 


CHAPTER  I1L 


MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Well  Col.  Hardfare,  the 
weather  is  now  getting  fine,  as  Spring  is  about  to 
enliven  the  face  of  nature  with  her  vivid  decora 
tions.  Truly  the  beautiful  green  of  the  smiling 
valley,  with  all  its  buds  of  vegetation,  are  infinite 
ly  more  grateful  to  my  senses  than  all  the  mag 
nificence  of  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court.  Their 
levees,  and  their  v.'rangling  about  distinction,  (and 
the  d — 1  knows  what  else,)  will  never  procure 
them  one  hour  of  real  happiness.  Here  is  the 
vale  of  contentment  and  peace.  Here,  beneath 
the  green  umbrage  of  your  groves  in  May — I  can 
sit  retired  from  the  bustle  of  a  Metropolis,  and 
meditate  on  the  follies  of  the  day.  Zounds  Col.,  I 
have  been  so  vexed  at  the  crowd  of  monkies  I  saw 
in  the  great  City,  who  call  themselves  "wen,"  that 
I  could  scarcely  keep  my  temper  within  bounds, 
as  they  strutted  about  the  streets  and  crossed  my 


path  continually  like  so  many  skeletons  dressed,  or 
laced  up  in  fine  broad  cloth  and  gay  silks,  (Oh  ! 
Jupiter?  and  Mars!)  like  petite  maitres  newly  im 
ported  from  Paris.  They  will  soon  have  to  change 
their  delicate  rattans  and  dandy  canes,  with  gold 
head?;,  for  stout  "  Hickory  clubs,"  if  their  delicate 
hands  could  wield  them  to  defend  their  dear  little 
effemir.nte  persons  from  the  chastisement  they 
merit  for  their  impertinence;  and  which  their  con 
summate  insolence  should  receive  from  plain  hon 
est  men.  By  the  God  of  War !  Col.  Hard  fare,  I 
would  ask  no  better  sport,  than  to  have  a  regiment 
of  such  delicate  animals  fora  day — thus  equipped 
in  Court  attire — squeezed  into  corsets — by  the 
Lord  Harry — and  their  delicate  hands  cased  in 
white  kid  gloves.  Their  huge  artificial  whiskers 
and  must aebios,  will  answer  for  modern  vizors,  to 
screen  their  pale  faces.  Their  scull-caps  will 
do  for  a  helmet.  Whale  bone,  will  supply  the 
place  of  steel  breast  plates,  under  their  delicate 
coloured  sattin  vests,  and  other  dandy  equip 
ments,  which  will  shew  off  to  advantage.  What 
a  beautiful  variegated  field  of  battle  we  should 
have  displayed  to  regale  the  eye, Ilk;?  a  garden  of 
tulips  and  hyacinths  to  please  the  ladies,  who 
could,  no  doubt,  figlit  better  themselves  ./when  put 


GO 

to  the  test.  What  a  fine  era  is  this !  Col. — it  is  time 
that  a  rugged  old  soldier  of  '78  was  taking  a 
quiet  sleep  with  his  fathers  beneath  the  green  sod 
of  the  valley.  Fops  and  fools,  now-a-days,  at 
tempt  to  govern  the  community.  Common  sense 
is  getting  out  of  fashion  since  the  commencement 
of  the  reign  of  "  Reform ;"  and  it  is  almost  impos 
sible  to  comprehend  them  at  the  Yankee  Doodle 
Court,  they  are  getting  so  polished  and  refined. 
Profane  language  among  the  females  Col.  would 
also  be  the  ton,  as  I  heard  a  lady  observe,  were  it 
not  "too  d — n'd  vulgar  for  ladies." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Ah !  Major,  we  old  soldiers 
of  plain  times  are  indeed  getting  out  of  date,  and 
are  literally  kicked  out  of  society  for  our  honesty 
and  candour.  It  is  a  reproach  to  those  who  pos 
sess  neither.  We  suffer,  in  a  measure ;  but  we 
eat  the  bread  of  our  own  labour ;  and  are  truly 
independent.  Our  homely  meal  is  more  condu 
cive  to  health  and  comfort  than  all  the  refine 
ments  of  luxury  furnished  for  the  glittering  boards 
of  the  affluent :  which  a  wanton  extravagance  dis 
plays  to  pamper  their  appetites,  and  command  ad 
miration — but,  u  disgust  will  succeed  to  satiety." 

COL.  HIRDFARE.  Aye,  Col.  you  have  no  idea 
of  the  luxury  and  profusion  of  the  Yankee  Doodle 
Court.  Besides,  the  constellation  of  female  beau- 


01 

ty,  taste  and  fashion,  would  dazzle  your  old  eyes, 
and  bewilder  your  brain.  There's  the  fair  and 
youthful  Princess  of  Insignificance,  niece  to  his 
Hickory  Highness — -and  there  is  also  the  modest 
and  truly  amiable  Countess  of  Dictate  (lady  of  his 
Majesty's  private  secretary,)  another  of  the  Royal 
family— and  a  third,  the  commanding  and  super 
cilious  Lady  Criterion — (all  inmates  of  the  Pa 
lace)  who  has  not  the  advantages  of  youth,  and 
beauty ;  nor  the  least  pretentions  to  elegance.  Yet 
her  ladyship  makes  herself  quite  conspicuous  in 
the  Palace ;  as  all  matters  of  taste  are  referred  to 
her  decision;  who  in  some  respects  differs  from 
Lord  Criterion,  who  will  not  bear  too  close  an  en 
croachment  on  his  rights  and  privileges  in  the 
decorations  of  the  Palace.  The  Princess  of  Insig 
nificance,  is  so  languidly  beautiful,  and  unobtru 
sive,  that  Her  Highness  serves  merely  to  embel 
lish  the  drawing  room, — like  some  other  super 
fluous  articles  recently  transported  there.  This 
very  timid  fair  one,  has  studied  the  graces  to  per 
fection,  and  she  knows  well  how  to  assume  a  lan 
guid  and  pensively  beautiful  attitude.  The 
Countess  of  Dictate  is  something  inferior  in  this 
charm ;  and  also  a  little  tinctured  with  affectation 
— -Imperious  too,  (when  she  wishes  to  make  a  dis- 


play  of  her  privileges  in  the  Palace,)  like  the 
Lady  Criterion.  These  ladies  of  the  "Hickory" 
family,  seem  to  think  they  have  an  unquestiona 
ble  right  to  exercise  their  authority,  and  assert 
their  consequence  on  some  occasions ;  and  would 
(if  possible),  exclude  the  "amiable"  Princess  of 
Influence  from  gaining  access  to  His  "Hickory" 
Highness.  But  the  Countess  of  Dictate  must  not 
encroach  too  far  in  that  quarter,  she  may  rest  as 
sured — or,  all  the  "fat  will  be  in  the  fire,"  and 
a  great  blaze  it  will  make  in  the  Palace.  For,  His 
Hickory  Highness  has  already  threatened  to  send 
the  noble  Countess  of  Dictate,  to  her  "native 
western  wilds"  if  she  persists  in  her  hostility  to 
the  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influence,  when  His 
Majesty  has  so  repeatedly  declared,  that  her  High 
ness  is  an  "  amiable"  woman.  But,  it  seems  thp 
Royal  females  of  the  Palace  are  still  obstinate  and 
refractory,  even  surpassing  many  who  keep  up  the 
animosity  and  repugnance  to  her  Immaculate 
Highness  in  the  great  City ;  and  thus  there  is  as 
much  confusion,  and  serious  disputing  among 
them,  as  for  the  fair  Helen  during  the  Trojan 
war — though  the  beauty  of  the  fair  Grecian  was 
unrivalled — and  she  might  have  been  an  "amia 
ble"  woman  also,  for  aught  we  know  to  the  con- 


frary — at  all  events,  she  made  as  much  noise  at 
Court.  Many  a  woman  has  overturned  an  em 
pire,  and  it  is  evident  His  Majesty  has  his  tur 
moils  at  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  even  amid  the 
very  bosom  of  his  Royal  family,  and  all  about  an 
"amiable  woman."  So  there's  no  knowing  how 
it  may  terminate  yet  in  the  great  City,  in  such  a 
critical  state  of  affairs.  At  all  events,  the  busi 
ness  of  the  nation,  should  not  be  set  aside,  or 
neglected,  to  investigate  (or  advocate,  without  in 
vestigating,)  the  merits  of  an  insignificant  female, 
who  has  neither  family,  talents,  education,  or 
good  breeding  to  entitle  her  to  such  distinction 
and  influence,  as  a  blind  partiality  has  endowed 
her  with. 

The  Countess  of  Dictate  has  it  in  her  power, 
it  seems,  to  exclude  what  other  visit ers  her  lady 
ship  may  deem  proper,  from  access  to  the  Palace, 
and  from  the  Royal  favor,  by  issuing  her  lady 
ship's  commands  (or  even  those  of  the  lady 
Criterion}  to  the  honest  porter;  who  is,  no  doubt 
paid  well  for  his  private  services,  and  fidelity  to 
his  employers.  Don't  you  smell  a  rat  ?  here  too. 
Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Why  Major  Dauntless, you 
take  one  by  surprise,  like  an  active  general  in  the 


64 

field.  I  really  do  begin  to  suspect  there  is  more 
in  the  present  state  of  affairs,  than  is  "dreamed 
of  in  our  philosophy."  Well — 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  This  honest  Pat — Mister 
Jamie  Mac  Faddle  O'Claugherty,  is  certainly  the 
most  competent  fellow  that  could  have  been  ap 
pointed.  In  the  first  place,  he  has  genuine  hon 
esty — too  much  so  for  any  Court.  By  the  by 
Col.,  did  you  ever  know  an  honest  son  of  Erin 
betray  his  trust. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  I  cannot  say  that  I  did.  The 
honor  of  an  Irishman  is  proverbial,  we  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Beyond  a  doubt,  Col. 
" Touch  my  honor,"  says  Pat,  "and  you  touch 
my  life  /"  There's  spirit  for  you.  Well  Col., 
this  Mister  Mac  Faddle  O'Claugherty,  (poor  sovvl!) 
has  scarcely  time  to  say  his  prayers ;  for  he  is  to 
be  seen  from  day-light  in  the  morning,  until  star 
light  the  next  day,  like  a  true  sentinel,  ever  at  his 
post.  Go  to  the  Palace  at  what  hour  you  will, 
and  you  are  sure  to  see  Mister  O'Claugherty 's  un 
covered  head,  (and  looking  as  though  it  partook 
of  the  uproar  of  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court,)  make 
its  appearance  from  the  grand  entrance,  ready  to 
know  your  commands.  By  the  by,  only  a  select 
few  can  now  gain  admittance  within  the  massy 


twites  of  the  Palace  yard — since  tlie  lift  guards 
have  been  stationed  there,  with  their  glittering 
weapons,  to  keep  off  the  rabble  who  have  been 
too  ardent  in  their  devotions  at  Court;  But  / 
think  it  was  only  requisite  to  see  Mister  Mac  Fad- 
die  O'Clauuherty's  carrolty  colored  head  pop  out 
at  the  Palace  door,  to  deny  admittance  before  it 
is  asked,  (according  to  orders,  no  doubt,)  for  the 
honest  fellow  has  become  a  perfect  machine^  and 
moves  his  wise  looking  head  mechanically  from 
his  right  shoulder  to  his  left*  (like  a  Chinese 
Mandarin,)  several  times  ere  he  speaks,  on  the 
appearance  of  a  visitor,  (if  a  stranger)  which 
inano3uvre  is  evidently  indicative  of  repulse.  At 
length  when  Mister  Pat  (as  the  spirit  moves  him) 
prepares  to  speak,  it  is  ever  in  an  under  tone,  as 
if  apprehensive  of  being  over  heard  by  some  one 
in  the  Palace.  This  is  the  effect  of  his  office. 
The  honest  fellow,  is  no  doubt  conscious  of  being 
a  mere  tool  fot  Royalty,  and  is  afraid  to  utter  a  lie 
audibly,  for  fear  the  Devil  might  hear  him  and  re 
member  it  in  purgatory. 

COL.  HARDFARB.  Ha !  Ha  !  Ha  !  Won't  he 
take  a  bribe  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  That  ItZow&f.  Anhone&t 
Pat  will  never  betray  his  patrons.  A  yankee 
7 


•.i,  we  know  Col.     I'mt  Sir  Lying  Sneak,  the 

!-o;  <>l    the  I'nneess  of   liifhu'ii.t ' .  a     ii  ted  me 

lir  :  li?,|ied  ;i  firi'  iloltiir  noli  info  the.  hand  ol    >1 1    - 

Hi    MM     raddle,   u  lio  h;i(i   [.osiliveiy   n-1'ns' d   liitn 

admittance  on  his  ^/irsf  acquaintance  at  Ccnirl  ;  al- 

h  Ins  Vhijc:  Iv  h:ul  seen  Sir  Snc.-ik  1  lie  day  pro- 

.  .-itid  li.-nl  (according  loSu  Sm-nlSx  Mcc.ount, 

iciiicinhcr)    invited  him   ulo  il'mi:"    wild    his  l\l;i- 
oii  (he  iollowin^  diiy-     Of  this,  Mister  i\l:ir 

l';iddle  VV;IN  i:'iioi;int  i!  :  cr  -MI  .-.,  ;nnl  when  SirSneal-. 

produced  his  care/,  and  Aii,^i<r  I'.ii  h.-ul  |.o:-:iiivc!\ 

refused    In    l;ik<-  it   in,  or  to  ;i«!ni;t   him;    \vlionSir 

-:IM  ak  i  mi'ler  liiiidiiiL1  the  hir-  uies-,  and  determin 
ed  to  gain  his  |toiiil,i  h;id  reeonrse  lo  tJiut  "«//- 
l>nl<  nl  clmi'ui"  \\lneh  (ii'len  in  nil  countries,  has 
opened  :i  l';ihee  door,  ;i  ;id  \\lnch  ncted  like  B/CC- 
/<•;/•//»/  on  the  ohdiinile  lieiut  <»!'  Mister  Mar-  F;id- 
dle  OX  'hni'dieily,  who  suddenly  ('Xelnimed  in  ex- 
^ir  ,S'« r///, -s.-iys)  u()«-li!  ;ind  ;ire  you  Sii 
Lyinjf  Sne;ik,  ;uid  who  imlrnl  is  to  dine  \vilh  his 
i\!:ijesiy  to  d;i\ ' '".  Only  pl.'ise  to  w;dk  into  the 
r.daceSir  Sneak —( or  Si,-  .Vm/Art  ;,nd  I  will  con- 
diirl  ye  lo  His  Majesty  prasent ly.  Only  \valk  in- 
t<»  the  (ireat  Parlour, Sir  Sneak — Yii!  I  inform  his 
iMajesty  ye  are  here,  and  (tardon  me  l<>r  not  hav 
ing  l;\w\n\  yo  lor  Sir  L*i'n\£  Sm-uk  hefore." 


COL.  HARDFARE.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  and  so  lit 
*  sneaked"  into  the  Palace — did  he?  Krnvo!  :i 
orood  plan! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.    Ah  Col.,  no  doubt  of  Ihtil , 
even  in   defiance  of  the  l\<>y;il   mandates.      I'm 
that  fellow  would  sneak  any  where  to  get.  his  pur 
pose  answered,  which  is  ever  of  the  most  villan- 
ous  kind.     Yes  Col.,  (according  to  sneak's  ac 
count)    he    got    into  the  Royal   apartment,  by 
means  which  seldom  fail.     But  here  was  a  ludi 
crous  scene  to  follow  :    there  was  a  poor  im 
portunate  office  seeker  (who  had  probably  sneak-' 
ed  into  the  anti-chamber  many  hours  successively 
— for  several    days  to  no  purpose)  wailing  the 
clemency  of  his    .Majesty,  and  seeing  the  insig 
nificant  figure  of  Sir   Srieak  commanding  such 
homage  from  the  inflexible  IHistc  r  M   <   Fuddle; 
he  deemed  it  a  favorable  moment  to  plead  h: 
cause,  and  slipped    into   the  audience  parlour; 
(alas!  poor  devil!  he  was  ignorant  of  the  clinrm, 
which  Sir  Sneak  had  ri.-ade  use  of  to  effect  his 
entre)  and  was  obtruding,  unperceived   by    the 
(hitherto,  too  vigilant)  bustling  Mister  O'Chmgh- 
erty,  who  was  then  (  nu.ij:<  d   plaCirig  the    <• 
Chair  of  State  for   ins  .Majesty,  and  another  loi 
his  sneaking  visiter,  and  v      I"  uting  np  the  crim- 


68 

son  cushions,  and  doing  every  possible  honor  to 
his  Majesty's  visiter;  when  suddenly  the  poor 
office  hunter  (evidently  fatigued  with  having  stood 
for  whole  days  in  the  cold  anti-chamber)  popt  in 
to  the  luxurious  chair  that  was  placed  for  Sir 
Sneak  ;  and  in  the  full  spirit  of  "  Liberty  and 
Equality,"  forgeting  it  is  the  u  Reign  of  Reform" 
Bat  short  was  the  poor  fellow's  dream  of  happi 
ness,  Mister  Mac  Faddle,  in  the  full  spirit  of  in 
sulted  dignity  for  his  patrons,  darted  forward  like 
a  true  Pat,  and  seizing  the  trembling  culprit  by 
the  collar,  whirled  him  out  of  his  luxurious  sta 
tion,  to  a  remote  corner  of  the  outer  room,  say 
ing  as  he  pushed  him  out,  "stay  there  ye  Mister 
Mac  Impudence,  (shaking  his  finger  in  a  threat 
ening  manner,  to  the  no  small  amusement  of  Sir 
Sneak,  who  laughed  in  his  sleeve,)  and  don't  at 
tempt  to  come  out  of  that  corner  agin,  'till  his 
Majesty  has  seen  Sir  Sneak,  and  condescends  to 
see  you,  when  he  is  at  leisure.  Take  your  sent 
Sir  Sneak,his  Majesty  will  be  with  ye  presently. 
Och !  how  that  impertinent  fellow  has  'pothered 
me." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  A  comical  fellow  that  Mis" 
ter  O'Claugherty,  and,  no  doubt  an  excellent  por 
ter.  It  requires  some  shrewdness  to  act  in  that 
capacity,  we  may  suppose.  He  has  a  \rariety  of 


character  to  call  his  attention  continually,  and  it 
is  impossible  that  all  should  get  in  his  favor.  If 
he  has  received  positive  orders  "not  to  admit  cer 
tain  persons !"  he  dare  not  disobey  ;  and,  of  course, 
mast  be  thought  surly,  and  even  insolent,  by 
some  ;  while  others,  no  doubt,  think  Mister  Mac 
Faddle  one  of  the  most  obliging  and  goodnatured 
Pats  in  the  service  of  the  "  Yankee  Doodle 
Court."  It  is  really  a  difficult  task  to  please 
every  body. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  True  Col.,  but  he  is  well 
paid  ta  displease  certain  persons,  it  is  thought. 
The  management  of  the  Princess  of  Influence,  is 
admirable  in  some  instances.  Mark  this  !  Not  a 
visitor  of  distinction  can  gain  admittance  at 
Court,  that  her  Immaculate  Highness  does  not 
know  it.  Aye,  and  knows  who  has  been  received 
graciously,  and  who  has  been  repulsed  :  although 
her  Highness  does  not  reside  in  the  Palace.  But. 
Alberto  (thaifaithful  and  wisely  educated  slave,) 
receives,  and  conveys  all  cards  from  Mister  Jamie 
Mac  Faddle  O'Claugherty,  for  his  "Hickory" 
Highness  and  the  Royal  family,  and  then  care 
fully  conveys  them,  (according  to  orders  from 
herself)  to  his  mistress,  the  Princess  of  Influence, 

who  expects  them  regularly  every  evening,  to  be 

7* 


70 

informed  what  personages  visited  the  Palace  daily. 
Her  Highness  adorns  her  drawing  room  mantle- 
glass,  and  card-racks,  with  the  motley  collection  •, 
and  absolutely  to  overflowing,  past  enumerating. 
You  would  infer  Col.,  from  appearances,  that  all 
those  great  Personages,  had  done  her  Highness 
the  honor — I  beg  her  Immaculate  Hi«jhn^ss's  par 
don — liad  done  themselves  the  superlative  plea 
sure  of  calling  on  her  Highness.  No  such  thing 
Col.;  rest  assured  that  is  all  a  hoax!  Her 
Hisjhness's  drawing  rooms  could  not  contain  one- 
fourth  of  the  persons,  whose  splendidly  embossed 
cards  embellish  her  mantle,  exposed  to  the  view 
of  those  who  have  the  good  fortune  to  be  in  her 
Highness' s  good  graces.  /  saw  the  card  of  Sec 
retary  Rush,*  and  hundreds  whose  names  I  can 
not  now  recollect;  and  which,  perhaps,  they 
would  not  thank  me  to  remember,  (as  they  were 
second  hand  from  the  Palace.)  By  this  admira 
ble  stratagem,  her  Immaculate  Highness  obtains  all 
the  important  information  requisite  for  her  pur 
poses.  Bravo  !  Col.,  give  me  a  woman  at  any 
time  for  Court  intrigue  and  proper  management, 
jn  the  affairs  of  the  nation.  Some  say  that  her 
Highness,  by  this  means,  obtained  the  cards  of 
several  distinguished  ladies  of  the  Court,  who 

*0n  my  Tisit  at  the  Great  City  last  spring, 


71 

have  declared  they  would  sooner  die!  than  visit 
her  Immaculate  Highness,  although  she  isthe/?oy- 
al  favor  it  e,a,nd  an  "  amiable"  woman.  I  also  heard 
they  went  one  day  en  masse,  and  entering  her  High- 
ness's  drawing  room,  ere  she  was  aware,  each  took 
her  own  cards  by  dozens  from  her  Highness's  man 
tle  and  departed,  sans  ceremonie.  But  what  does 
it  avail  ?  The  Princess  of  Influence  obtains  the 
usual  supply  every  evening  from  her  faithful  slave, 
and  also  an  official  account  of  all  that  transpires 
at  the  Palace  from  day  to  day.  Thus  the  supercili 
ous  Countess  of  Dictate,  (though  a  Royal  inmate) 
must  be  completely  out-generalled,  by  the  superior 
tactics  of  the  Princess  of  Influence.  But  the 
Countess  retaliates  all  in  her  power,  on  all  those 
who  dare  presume  to  countenance  the  Immaculate 
Princess.  I  saw  the  lady  who  had  been  paying 
court  first  to  the  Princess  of  Influence,  ere  she 
dared  venture  to  call  at,  the  Palace.  In  fact  she 
was  under  the  necessity  of  applying  to  the  Prince 
of  Influence  for  a  passport  to  the  Royal  presence, 
as  she  had  absolutely  been  several  times  repulsed 
at  the  Palace,  by  Mister  Mac  Faddle,  (who,  no 
doubt  had  his  orders,)  as  she  was  a  stranger  at 
Court,  and  ignorant  of  court  etiquette  :  business, 
(not  curiosity)  had  brought  her  to  the  Palace? 


and  she  \f  as  too  much  a  Republican  to  be  charm 
ed  with  court  splendor.  This,  the  Countess  of 
Dictate,  it  seems,  was  aware  of;  and  also,  that  the 
lady  in  question,  was  an  American  Authoress,  and 
the  purport  of  her  visit,  on  thai  day,  to  present  a 
copy  of  her  late  work  mduefarm^  to  his  Majesty. 
She  succeeded  in  gaining-  access — to  the  no  little 
vexation,  (no  doubt,)  of  the  noble  Countess  of 
Dictate.  This  was  at  the  commencement  of  the 
Reign  of  tt  Reform,"  and  his  Hickory  Highness's 
u  triumph^  (so  large  an  edition)  over  his  political 
foes — must  have  been  very  grateful,  for  his  Ma 
jesty  received  his  visitor  very  graciously  at  that 
time.  But  pn  calling  at  the  Palace  a  few  days 
after,  with  a  copy  of  the  same  work  in  a.  plain  but 
neat  cover,  for  the  Countess  of  Dictate^  and  sent 
in  by  the  obliging  Mister  Mac  Fuddle  O'Claugh- 
erty,  with  a  complimentary  card,  they  were  both 
returned  with  a  very  insolent  and  laconic  message, 
(and  quite  beneath  the  dignity  of  the  Countess  of 
Dictate,  a  member  of  the  Royal  family,)  that  she 
"did  not  w ant  the  book  ;  and  had  seen  his  Ma- 
jest  if  s,  which, was  quite  enough  for  her!"  and  as 
to  the  card — it  was  not  allowed  to  be  inihe  Palace* 
we  may  suppose ;  for  it  was  packed  out  sans-ce- 
remonie  to  the  lady,  who  was  allowed  the  great 
privilege  of  w§iting  in  a  carriage  at  the  great  For- 


73 

lico,  half  ari  hour  in  suspense,  until  dismissed  by 
the  message  of  the  accomplished  Countess  of  Dic 
tate — who  will  certainly  polish  and  refine  the  Yan 
kee  Doodle  Court  to  her  own  mind;  provided^hcY 
ladyship  can  effect  her  purpose  of  excluding  en 
tirely— the  Princess  of  Influence  from  any  parti 
cipation  of  Court  affairs! — But  her  Immaculate 
Highness,  is  a  woman  of  spirit — let  the  Countess 
beware  !  or  her  ladyship  may  yet  be  "  swept  out 
by  a  Hickory  broom." 

COL.  HARDFARE,  What  motive  could  her  la 
dyship  have  had,  think  you,  for  s\ich  absolute 
rudeness  to  the  Authoress  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  The  motive  Col.,  is  very 
evident — female  jealousy,  spite,  malice!  and  the 
d — /  knows  what  else,  toward  a  stranger,  and  a 
lady  who  wished  to  pay  her  respects  to  the 
Countess  of  Dictate — merely,  because  her  lady 
ship  is  of  the  Royal  family.  But,  really  Col., 
"too  much  prosperity  maketh  a  man  mad  /"  aye! 
verily !  or  a  woman  either !  Had  you  seen  the 
look  of  commisseration  depicted  in  the  honest 
countenance  of  Mister  MacFaddle  CPglaugher- 
ty,  who  was  compelled  to  return  the  Authoress's 
compliments  to  the  fair  Countess,  you  would  have 
been  prepossessed  in  his  favor.  I  really  think 


74 

it's  a  pity  so  honest  a  fellow  should  be  kept  m 
such  a  station,  to  witness  the  ignorance,  ill-breed 
ing  and  corruption  of  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court. 
COL.  HARDFARE.  Really,  Major  Dauntless, 
these  are  occurrences  worth  recording.  They 
characterise  the  Royal  family,  and  will  immor 
talize  the  present  Reign.  The  Princes  of  the 
Royal  Cabinet  are  unique — we  may  never  wit 
ness  such  another — as  it  cannot,  surely  be  sur- 


MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  God  forbid!  that  we  even 
should  have  a  continuation  of  such  a  Reign  of 
outrageous  oppression  and  injustice !  By  the 
w  God  of  War"  Col.,  it  is  a.  fact,  (and  a  melan 
choly  one!)  that  in  arrogance,  ignorance,  and 
impudence  !  it  can  never  be  equalled ;  of  which  I 
will  give  you  an  instance  presently,  after  I  finish 
my  description  of  manners  and  customs  at  Court, 
and  in  the  great  City.  There's  the  Heir  appar 
ent,  a  worthy  and  interesting  youth — to  speak 
truth  Col.,  he  is  unassuming,  and  does  not  med 
dle  with  the  turmoils  of  the  Court,  so  he  keeps 
out  of  many  scrapes  and  saves  his  credit — evin 
ces  that  he  has  common  sense,  so  very  rare  now 
among  the  great  and  in  the  beau  monde,  where 
there  is  so  much  insipid  visiting  among  the  wo- 


75 

men,  who  draw  the  men  after  their  d n'd  fol 
lies,  to  become  as  frivolous  and  insipid  as  them 
selves.  The  effeminency  of  the  present  day  is 
intolerable,  and  destructive  to  soul  and  body. 
No  matter!  the  sooner  the  present  race  of  ex 
quisite  fools  are  extinct,  the  better  for  the  coun 
try.  By  Jupiter !  Col.  Hardfare,  if  his  "  Hickory" 
Highness  should  declare  "  War?*  (nothing  should 
astonish  us  in  this  reign  of  u  Reform"  you  know,) 
it  would  be  extremely  difficult  to  find  men  to 
fight — we  should  have  to  fill  up  the  ranks  with 
women,)  and  that  could  soon  be  effected  at  this 
time,  as  the  women  have  already  "ivaged  war" 
among  themselves  in  the  Royal  Cabinet ;  and  the 
Princess  of  Influence,  will,  herself,  make  an  ex 
cellent  General.  Indeed,  she  was  heard  to  say 
in  one  of  her  Highness's  steam-boat  excursions 
last  summer,  that  if  the  "  Prince  of  Influence,  is 
deserving  of  a  military  title — she  is  quite  as  much 
so"-—  and  so,  we  might  say,  is  the  lady  Comman 
dant  quite  as  deserving  of  the  title  of  "  Commo 
dore."  So  they  could  soon  have  officers  among 
themselves,  for  there  are  many  Majors  and  some 
Colonels  among  the  female  ranks — also  many 
other  officers — but,  as  it  has  been  said  in  an  old 
military  anecdote,  "every  officer  is  not  a  soldier? 


there's  no  knowing  which  party  will  have  the  vic 
tory — but  they  must  soon  come  to  a  decisive  bat 
tle,  and  then  we  shall  see  sport  Col. — Bravo !  for 
the  Princess  of  .Influence. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  You  think  she  will  con- 
qiier  then?  do  you  Major  ? ha?  ha!  ha! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  I  do,  most  certainly  Col., 
if  impudence  has  sway,  and  I  will  now  give  you 
an  instance  as  I  intimated.  One  Sunday  after 
noon,  early  in  the  season,  her  immaculate  High 
ness  was  deliberately  walking  from  the  Palace, 
and  leaning  on  the  arm  of  His  Highness,  the 
Prince  of  Influence,  (Her  Highness's  lawful  pro 
tector,  you  know  Col.,)  when  they  were  overta 
ken  by  a  lady  (whom  Her  Highness  will  long  re 
member,)  to  whom  the  fair  Kosilia  had  shown 
some  marks  of  favor,  as  Her  Highness  had  most 
presslngly  Invited  her  to  re-visit  the  great  City 
for  the  season — and  which  invitation,  seconded 
by  the  condescending  politeness  of  the  Prince  of 
Influence,  Was  irresistable,  and  the  lady  relied  on 
i\\G  false  promises  of  the  *  Reforming^  nobility, 
to  her  cost,  I  assure  you  Col.  But  she  will  man 
age  to  have  all  back  with  interest — aye,  and  with 
a  vengeance  too,  ere  long — rely  on  it. 

COL.  ILulnFAfcE.  But  it  appears  that  the 
Prince  and  Princes?  of  Influence,  only  follow  the.: 


Royal  example  Major,  for  "Hickory"  favours  are 
very  precarious,  it  seems. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.     Aye,  aye,  Col.  Hardfare ; 
there's  no  mistake  there :  which  the  most  of  us 
have  verified.     But  the  lady  should  not  have  re 
lied  on  the  frail  promises  of  mushroom  nobility. 
You  must  know  Col.,  that  this  Immaculate  Prin 
cess  had  the  audacity  to  make  some  observations 
(during  that  lady's  several  month's  absence  from 
the  Great  City)  highly  to  the  disadvantage  of  the 
person  Her  Highness  was  then  pretending  to  serve. 
And  conscience  evidently  caused  the  fair  Rosilia 
a  twinge,  when  she  was  suddenly  accosted  by 
'that  lady — requesting  a  private  interview  with 
Her  Highness,  on  the  following  day,  on  some  ve 
ry  important  business.     The  fair  Princess  was 
evidently  disconcerted ;  and,  as  the  lady  refused 
to  accompany  their  Highnesses  home ;  the  "  amia 
ble"  Rosilia  (though  very  reluctantly}  appointed 
an  early  hour  on  the  third  day  from  that,  as  Her 
Highness  was  to  be  engaged  with  "  dinner  parties" 
at  her  own  mansion,  and  that  of  her  dear  lady 
"  Reform,"  for  the  two  following  days.     So  said 
Her  Immaculate  Highness — and  who  will  pre 
sume  to  doubt  her  veracity :  we  may  rest  assured, 
there  was  a  large  banquet  prepared: — but  you 
8 


78 

must  know  Col.,  it  is  deemed  vulgar  for  every 
one  to  accept  an  invitation.  Jt  would  seem,  you 
know,  as  though  they  had  no  other  engagement. 
And  as  the  Yankee,  Doodle  nobility  are  to  be  the 
criterion  of  refinement,  taste,  and  ion-,  they  may 
be  privileged.  How  many  persons  of  distinction 
were  there,  is  not  difficult  to  surmise ;  as  her  Im 
maculate  Highness  has  a  select  few,  who  have  ac 
cess  to  her  splendid  mansion ;  so  the  fair  Princess 
is  in  no  danger  of  being  eclipsed  you  see — there's 
female  policy  for  you  again.  The  lady  u  Reform" 
(Her  Highness's  inseparable  and  immutable 
friend)  was  there^  We  may  calculate  to  a  certainty  j 
as  also  that  very  delicate  and  petite  figure  of  a 
human  being,  of  the  male  gender,  (neither  a  man, 
nor  gentleman  in  character,)  Sir  Lying  Sneak-— 
a  great  favorite  of  Her  Immaculate  Highness  ;  as 
the  dear  Hi  tie  fellow  says,  she  is  "a  charming" 
woman — and,  many  others  say,  Her  Highness 

js (what  says  the   Camel  ?)  Princess  of 

Influence —  (an  "  amiable"  woman,)  a  very  ap 
propriate  title,  to  a  certainty.  There  is  now 
such  a  new  order  of  gentility  at  the  Yankee  Doo 
dle  Court,  that  we  must  not  be  astonished  at  in 
consistencies.  Sir  Lying  Sntak  was  certainly 
the  first,  to  pay  his  devotions  to  the  fair  and  fm- 


79 

maculate  Princess  of  Influence — who,  like  all 
u  amiable7''  women,  is  pleased  with  adulation,  even 
from  a  Lying  Sneak — and  whom  Her  Highness 
peremptorily  asserts,  is  "a perfect  gentleman" — 
although  his  sneaking  character  is  incompatible 
— yet,  if  he,  or  any  other  Court  sycophant,  should 
suggest  some  preposterous  custom  at  Court,  it 
would  be  instantly  adopted  by  the  fair  Princess, 
who  smiles  approbation — and,  as  she  is  so  well 
known  to  be  an  "amiable"  woman,  there  can  be 
no  mistake  in  any  thing  that  may  please  Her  Im 
maculate  Highness,  who  can  do  nothing  amiss, 
we  may  rest  assured — which  is  hereditary,  as 
good  "razor  strops"  were  never  amiss,  where 
they  were  wanted.  A  fierce  looking  group  the 
Court  butterflies  would  make,  with  unshaven 
chins,  amid  their  silks  and  dandy  attire^^-never 
despise  the  u  bridge  that  carries  you  safe  over" 
Col.,  that's  my  motto.  I  dare  say,  Her  Immacu 
late  Highness,  could  have  supplied  such  a  poor 
d — 1  of  an  unshorn  soldier  as  myself,  with  some 
good  "razor  strops,"  to  have  sharpened  my  old 
razors  on,  from  among  some  of  the  old  chests, 
stowed  away  in  Her  Highness's  old  lumber  sky- 
loft,  for  at  least  these  thirty  years — and  of  which 
her  ancestor  knew  the  benefit,  before  he  com- 


bo 

menced  gentleman  at  the  great  City.  By  the  by, 
Col.,  the  Princess  of  Influence,  is  of  a  military 
origin — so,  we  should  not  wonder  at  her  Hero 
ism — her  ancestor  could  beat  the  rat  tat  too,  to 
perfection,  I  heard,  on  his  debut  at  the  great  City, 
some  thirty  or  forty  years  back — perhaps,  previ 
ous  to  commencing  the  trade  of  making  "superi 
or  razor  strops" — well,  this  is  all  right  in  our 
land  of  "  Liberty  and  Equality"  But,  the  sud 
den  metamorphos,  which  a  Yankee  Doodle  Court 
has  effected  in  our  land,  is  so  truly  ludicrous,  that 
I  can  scarce  credit  the  evidence  of  my  senses. 
The  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influence,  however, 
graces  her  new  title  to  perfection — because,  Her 
Highness,  is  now  an  "amiable"  woman,  since  she 
has  profited  by  her  long  residence  at  the  great 
City,  where  she  has  acquired  the  polish,  requisite 
for  a  Court — which  Her  Highness  was  (evident 
ly")  destined  to  adorn.  But  the  "  Razor  strops," 
Col.,  what  a  pity  I  did  not  appeal  to  the  charity 
of  Her  Immaculate  Highness — true,  I  had  no  ucet- 
naries,"  but  then  I  am  a  poor  soldier,  and  could 
have  caught  a  tree  frog,  or  a  screach-oivl,  which 
would  have  assisted  at  the  concert  in  the  aviary ; 
and  might  have  been  useful,  as  they  portend  a 
storm,  the  latter  being  an  ominous  bird,  you 


and  if  I  could  not  have  procured  either, 

a?  I  am  a  superannuated  soldier,  and  a  Rerolu- 
tionary.  it  would  have  been  charily  to  have  be- 

•.  ornethinff — as  her  Immaculate  Hie: 
should  have  recollected,  that  *  Charity  covereth 
a.  multitude  of  sin*." — Hey!  Col. 

L.  HARDFARE.     Aye.  Major — but,  Charity 
is  excluded  at  Court*  you  should  remember. 

MAJ.  DAUXTI.  .>>.      Too  true.  Col.  Hard  fart; 
but.  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  is  the  Princt  g 
Influence,  and  we  have  a  right  to  expect  some 
thing  you  know,  from  her. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Ah1  Major,  if  Her  High 
ness  is  not  dis posed ,  xand  like  all  women,  she  has 
her  whims.  I  suppo-  .  /  ould  be  waiting  for 

;  mars  shoes"  you  know — 
MAJ,  F  .  —     Y  ••«.-.  uieed — many  a  poor 

devil  has  run  himself  barefoot,  trotting  after  the 
favor  of  those  in  power,  whose  bounden  dut 
to  hear  the  petition  of  many  whom  they  treat       I 
contempt.     But  you  shall  now  hear.  Co! .  of  the 
appointed  interview  with  Her  Immaculate  High- 
.  and  the  lady  to  whom  Her  ffigkf  MB  had 
made  professions  of  friendship — you   will 
"it  is  not  a  year  shows  us  the  heart  of  a  man"— 
no !  nor  a  woman  either,  C : !  ^  b    .T  •  p itar !     Well, 
8* 


the  lady  waited  on  Her  Highness,  in  due  form, 
on  the  morning  appointed — when  the  fair  Prin 
cess  made  her  appearance  en  dishabille !  and 
quite  a  la  mode !  we  must  suppose,  at  the  Yan 
kee  Doodle  Court,  and 

"Loveliness,  needs  not  the  foreign  aid  of  ornav 

ment," 

we  are  told — therefore  the  less  gew-gaws  a  fair 
woman  has  about  her,  the  more  we  see  of  her 
natural  charms,  you  know,  Col. — /  love  to  see  a 
pretty  woman  en  dishabille,  both  in  person  and 
mind,  particularly  an  "amiable"  woman,  as  we 
eaii  then  judge  for  ourselves,  and  are  not  com 
pelled  to  be  led  by  the  nose. 

Well,  to  my  story — Tier  fair  Highness's  delicate 
hands  were  encrusted  with  bird-feed,  (by  Jupi 
ter!  what  a  Princess  /)  consequently  Her  High 
ness  could  not  tender  the  hand  of  friendship  or 
hospitality  to  her  visiter,  as  an  "amiable"  woman 
should  have  done  toward  a  lady,  for  whom  her 
professions  had  been  so  profuse — even  (as  Her 
Highness  had  promised,)  to  the  "extent  of  her 
influence!! — therefore,  we  mny  suppose,  it 
would  have  been  unlimited.  It  appears  that  Her 
Highness  was  so.  extremely  anxious  to  know  the 


83 

purport  of  this  mysterious  visit,  (which  was  evi 
dently,  unwelcome?)  that  she  did  not  take  time  to 
have  her  fair  hands  washed,  to  receive  her  visiter 
in  a  proper  manner.  But,  even  a  Princess 
should  never  forget  (for  a  moment,')  the  respect 
that  is  due  to  herself ,  and  to  her  friends,  in  every 
instance — yet,  this  is  Court  polish,  we  must  sup 
pose,  and  the  fair  Rosilia  is  certainly  an  "amio- 
6/e"  woman,  to  thus  condescend  to  feed  her  little 
warblers  of  the  aviary,  though  she  is  a  Princess, 
whose  will  is  a  law  !  But  it  occurs  to  me,  Col., 
that  it  is  a  very  political  and  convenient  method, 
(which  only  a  ivoman  could  devise,)  to  have  her 
hands  plastered  with  bird-feed,  to  prevent  the 
plebian  touch  of  those,  to  whom  Her  Highness  is 
sensible  are  only  inferior  in  point  of  fortune — 
but,  whom,  in  another  view,  Her  Highness  dreads 
and  envies !  and  from  whose  just  remarks,  and 
provoked  retort,  even  the  Immaculate  Princess  of 
Influence,  will  shrink  abashed,  when  she  recol 
lects,  that  this  visiter  was  th»  lady  whom  Her 
Highness  had  so  pressingly  invited  to  the  great 
City,  with  a  voluntary  promise  of  serving,  essen 
tially,  in  a  pecuniary  way — by  throwing  "some 
hundreds"  in  her  pocket.  Instead  of  which,  Her 
Highness  was  pleased  (like  most  of  those  in  pow- 


84 

er,)  to  reverse  the  prospect,  and  the  lady  was 
made  the  dupe  of  Her  Highness's  caprice,  and 
abu.se  of  her  despotic  Influence — so  has  many  a 
poor  d — 1  of  a  candidate  for  Court  favors.  But, 
this  Immaculate  Princess,  pursued  a  very  errone 
ous  course  in  this  case — she  has  proved  herself  a 
bad  politician,  though  an  "amiable  woman" — 
she  should  have  secured  the  friendship  and  influ 
ence  of  one  of  her  own  sex,  who  is  not  to  be  des 
pised  with  impunity,  nor  insulted,  even  by  the 
Princess  of  Influence,  when  unconscious  of  pro 
vocation.  But,  perhaps  Her  Highness  thinks, 
now  she  is  placed  at  the  very  pinnacle  of  power, 
she  will  not  require  the  good  will  and  services  of 
others— "let  her  take  heed  lest  she  fall .'"  Aye, 
and  with  a  vengeance !  Her  Highness  already 
finds  it  more  difficult  than  she  immagined  some 
months  since,  (at  the  comencement  of  her  brilliant 
career,)  to  bring  all  the  ladies  of  the  Cabinet*  on 
"  their  marrow  oones,"  to  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness.  (O  Jupiter!)  Aye,  and  in  "spite  of  their 
teeth,"  I  suppose.  Affairs  at  Court,  and  in  the 
great  City,  at  t his  time,  give  unequivocal  testimo 
ny  how  far  this  Princess  of  Influence,  has  suc 
ceeded  in  this  course,  I  assure  you,  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.     There  is  the  test,  Major — 
but  what  passed  at  the  interview  with  the  lady 


whom  Her  Highness  received  in  so  condescending 
and  elegant  a  style  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Don't  be  impatient,  Col. 
you  will  have  it  all  by  and  by— and  soon  enough 
for  the  honor  of  the/air  Princess,  I  assure  you. 
You  must  indulge  me  as  I  told  you  at  first,  with 
occasional  remarks  and  comments  on  the  extra 
ordinary  occurrences  I  am  detailing  of  the  affairs 
at  Court.  I  am  an  old  Revolutionary,  and  am  a 
privileged  character,  it  is  known.  Well,  now 
for  the  purport  of  the  interview.  The  lady  had 
done  herself  the  honor — not  of  calling  on  the 
Princess  of  Influence,  observe,  Col.,  but  vice  ver 
sa,  we  know— mark  me !— for  the  purpose  of 
calling  Her  Immaculate  Highness  to  account  for 
having  presumed  to  utter  some  expressions  and 
remarks  detrimental  to  the  reputation  of  the  la 
dy  who  then  addressed  Her  Highness,  and  deman 
ded  an  elucidation  of  her  sarcastic  iriuendoes  and 
too  free  observations,  particularly  respecting  ^  in 
dependence  of  character — ridiculous  extrava 
gance  in  dress,  $c. — her  perpetual  travelling 
about  with  a  daughter  whom  she  taught  to  be  as 
aspiring  as  herself,  and  as  independent  in  spirit," 
which  her  Immaculate  Highness  deemed  very 
"improper  and  ridiculous,"  for  persons  in  their 


86 

situation,  depending  on  their  talents^  (what  a 
pity  Her  Highness  is  not  endowed  with  some 
useful  talent  for  emergency,  as  the  clouds  of  mis 
fortune  are  already  gathering  around  her,)  there 
fore  Her  Immaculate  Highness  thought  proper  to 
make  those  very  free  remarks  to  a  distant  rela 
tive  of  the  lady,  who  had  accidentally  been 
thrown  in  Her  Highness's  company,  and  heard 
the  observations  with  indignation,  as  the  great 
Personage  seemed  to  think  she  might  speak  with 
impunity.  But  the  becoming  spirit  with  which 
the  slandered  lady  was  defended  by  her  relative, 
extremely  disconcerted  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness,  and  made  her  look  excessively  silly,  as  she, 
though  Princess  of  Influence,  felt  it  indispensable 
to  make  an  apology,\)ut  observed,  the  remarks  did 
not  originate  from  herself,  yet  absolutely  declin 
ed  giving  the  names  of  those  persons  from  whom 
she  heard  them,  and  affected  to  have  forgotten. 
So  there  must  be  some  Lying  Sneak  in  the  way, 
it  is  evident,  somewhere  about  Court  and  the 
great  City.  Perhaps  they  are  a  numerous  fami 
ly.  One  thing,  however,  is  certain :  a  woman 
who  has  but  few  ideas  of  her  own,  must  rely  on 
other  people's  stock,  and  is  but  a  mere  echo,  and 
as  contemptible  as  censurable.  And  to  "cap  the. 


87 

climax"  of  Court  impudence,  Her  Immaculate 
Highness  had  the  assurance  to  assert  to  her  visl- 
tcr,  that  a  certain  person  (whose  name  Her  High 
ness  absolutely  refused  to  give)  had  made  it  his 
business  to  call  that  morning  on  the  Prince  of 
Influence  and  herself,  for  the  express  purpose  of 
assuring-  their  Highnesses,  that  if  they  really 
u  knew  who  that  lady  was*  with  whom  they  were 
conversing  two  days  previous,  on  the  public 
promenade,  they  would  have  had  more  respect 
for  themselves  than  to  have  done  so ;"  and  that 
the  Prince  of  Influence  should  not  suffer  Her 
Immaculate  Highness  ( Oh !  Jupiter  and  Mars  /) 
to  be  Seen  in  such  company."  There's  for  you^ 
Col. — By  the  Goddess  Diana  !  I  am  confounded 
with  the  brass  so  current  at  Court.  Bravo !  but 
this  is  intolerable !  The  very  d — /  himself  acts 
the  saint  we  know,  on  occasion — "but  it  won't  do 

here,  Col.— No,  d n  me— by  the  "God  of 

War  /" — the  "  cloven  foot  is  too  apparent,  for  the 
purpose  of  disguise.  Now,  had  it  been  the  great 
black  coat  Came/,  who  is  so  formidable  to  Her 
Immaculate  Highness,  it  would  not  be  ivondered: 
at  that  Her  Highness  should  have  been  so  dis 
concerted;  but  it  was  only  an  inoffensive  woman, 
It  is  certainly  extremely  impolitic,  and  dangerous, 
('according  to  common  report,)  for  persons  who 


88 

live  in  "  glass  houses,"  to  be  hostile  and  arrogant, 
if  they  are  u  high  in  power,"  as  a  little  retaliation 
will  soon  demolish  them  ;  and  a  great  credit  will 
make  when  it  does.  What  a  pity  some  people 
have  not  sense  enough  to  know  what  is  for  their 
own  benefit,  and  keep  their  "fingers  out  of  the 
fire." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  That  indeed,  Major,  and 
what  was  the  result  of  the  interview  ?  Did  Her 
"Immaculate"  Highness  conciliate  with  her  visi- 
ter? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  No,  by  Jupiter!  Her 
Highness  had  not  the/ores ight  to  "settle  with  her 
adversary"  in  good  time,  while  there,  but  kept  up 
an  affectation  of  dignity,  becoming  a  Princess  of 
Influence ;  and  made  some  very  laconic  and  un- 
courteous  replies  to  one  whom  Her  Highness 
seemed  to  consider  so  infinitely  inferior,  and  not 
worthy  Her  Immaculate  Highness's  condescen 
ding  favor ;  and  Her  Highness,  not  then  aware, 
that  such  a,  female  friend  could  be  an  acquisition, 
took  no  care  to  secure  her,  by  further  promises 
and  Court  smiles,  but  dropt  the  mask  at  once, 
which  had  concealed  some  deformity  of  charac 
ter  for  a  while — that  of  dissimulation  and  pre 
meditated  insolence. 


89 

COL.  HARDFARE.  The  characteristic  of  mush 
room  nobility,  of  course,  Major.  Well,  what  of 
the  Camel  you  mentioned?  I  am  anxious  to 
hear  what  could  be  the  motive  for  so  inoffensive 
an  animal  to  be  so  hostile  to  a  fair  and  Immacu 
late  Princess. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  You  shall  hear,  Col.,  pre 
sently,  far  as  /  can  learn.  This  hitherto,  very 
docile  and  inoffensive  Camel,  who  is  a  great  fa 
vorite  in  the  great  City,  among  a  large  congrega 
tion,  has  been  roused  to  indignation  by  the  ho 
mage  paid  to  the  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influ- 
e •'  -•;  and  also  by  the  blind  partiality  of  His 
"  Hickory''''  Highness,  to  defend  the  Immaculate 
Princess  from  her  formidable  and  numerous  foes. 
These  great  Personages,  and  more  of  the  Royal 
family,  made  their  appearance  one  Sunday  at 
church — some  six  or  seven  months  since,  if  I  re 
collect  right — but  I  dare  say  their  Highnesses, 
particularly  the  Immaculate  Princess,  recollects 
the  day  to  a  certainty — when  the  great  black  Ca 
mel  got  up  into  the  pulpit,  and  poured  a  volley 
of  his  wrathful  invectives  and  accusations  against 
her  and  the  whole  Royal  tribe;  but  more  parti 
cularly  aimed  at  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  whose 
look  of  beautiful  stupidity,  and  unconsciousness  ; 
9 


9U 

roused  still  more  the  (naturally  docile)  spirit  of 
the  Camel,  who  continued  an  invective  that  exci 
ted  the  indignation  of  his  Hickory  Highness,  and 
caused  him  to  rise  from  his  seat  in  the  Majesty  of 
his  wrath,  and  implacable  resentment  toward  the 
Camel — and  then  hastily  to  walk  out  of  the  church 
followed  by  the  Royal  family — whom  1  am  told 
have  not  since  honored  the  Camel  by  their  Roy 
al  presence  at  his  lecture.  The  Camel,  it  is  al 
lowed,  has  an  unquestionable  right  and  privilege 
to  descant  on  the  "vices  and  follies"  of  thepres- 
sent  day,  (and  God  knows  they  are  numerous !) 
and  to  assert  his  prerogative  from  the  pulpit — if 
he  is  but  a  Camel.  To  put  down  immorality 
and  idolatry — even  among  the  Princes  of  the 
"  Hickory"  Reign.  Some  of  whom,  have  the  pre 
sumption  to  claim  his  Majesty's  protection,  but 
the  persevering  Camel  is  not  to  be  u  defied" 
with  impunity.  It  is  therefore  expected  there 
will  be  a  battle  royal  among  them ;  and  that  the  Ca 
me/  will  be  triumphant  is  almost  reduced  to  a  cer 
tainty.  As  also  the  oppressed  and  (as  it  was  deem 
ed)  defenceless  lady  whom  her  Immaculate  High 
ness  thought  to  trifle  with,  and  insult  with  impuni 
ty;  forgetting  that  her  Highness's/ewa/e  antagonist 
is  ever  in  possession  of  the  most  powerful  of  all 


weapons — the  lash  of  satire !  which  the  possessor 
knows  when  to  make  use  of  to  the  best  advantage, 
(viz :  in  vindication  of  insulted  rights,)  and  which 
may  be  keenly  felt  even  within  the  walls  of  a  Pa 
lace.  The  shafts  of  satire  are  more  to  be  dread 
ed  than  the  "pointed  bayonet."  They  can  pierce, 
where  they  are  aimed.  Huzza!  Col.  Hardfare! 
for  a  victory ! — Liberty  and  equal  rights — a  com 
plete  and  perfect  "Reform," — a  "turnout"  in 
the  Cabinet,  in  retaliation — proscription  at  an 
end — and  "Integrity,"  and  modest  merit  re 
warded  throughout  the  Union! — Good  night, 
f'ol.?  1  shall  now  sleep  soundly. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


COL.  HARDFARE.  Well,  Major,  here's  another 
fine  spring  morning — how  did  your  old  bones 
rest  last  night,  after  our  late  chat  on  the  affairs  of 
the  nation  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Sweet  was  my  sleep,  Col., 
yet  I  had  a  dream — the  impression  of  which  will 
not  leave  me  to  day.  Dreams  are  often  pro 
phetic — it  concerns  the  Palace  and  the  Royal 
family.  It  was  something  allegorical ;  I  will  en 
deavor  to  relate  it  as  accurately  as  I  can — it  is  a 
curious,  and  perhaps  a  portentuom  vision,  for 
those  concerned  in  it.  Methought,  I  saw  His 
"  Hickory"  Highness  seated  in  regal  splendor,  in 
the  great  East  room  of  the  Palace,  surrounded 
by  the  crowd  of  smiling  sycophants,  (so  insepara 
ble  from  a  Court,)  who  strutted  about,  wrapt  up 
in  their  own  consequence.  On  the  right  side  of 
His  Majesty,  sat  the  Immaculate  Princess  of  In- 


fluence,  in  all  her  irresistable  charms,  looking  like 
Diana  herself,  so  perfectly  modest  and  beautiful. 
Behind  her,  (mark  me!)  sat  her  handmaids, 
Chastity  and  Prudence — Prince  Henry  John, 
and  His  "  Hickory"  Highness,  were  evidently 
basking  in  the  sunshine  of  her  fascinating  smiles, 
as  the  fair  Princess  was  playing  off  all  her  capti 
vating  graces  to  rivet  her  chains  still  closer,  to  ex 
cite  the  envy  and  jealousy  of  her  female  competi 
tors  at  Court — when  suddenly  a  great  bustle  and 
uproar  took  place  in  the  Palace,  and  a  confused 
running  to  and  fro,  created  alarm — while  a  most 
tremendous  and  extraordinary  noise,  methought, 
was  heard  throughout  the  Palace,  A  variety  of 
conjectures  seemed  to  terrify  and  perplex  the  late 
festive  group.  Some  cried,  "  Green  Goblin 
Grim/?5  others,  "it's  a  huge  animal,  and  all  ran 
together  in  a  throng,  receding  from  the  formida 
ble  intruder,  and  surrounding  the  Royal  chair  for 
protection.  But  it  was  there,  that  the  terrible 
monster  seemed  making  its  way  with  most  awful 
growlings,  (methinks,  I  hear  them  yet,)  and  signs 
of  displeasure.  His  tt  Hickory"  Highness,  thus 
to  be  attacked,  and  in  his  men  tent,  was  too 
great  an  encroachment  to  be  borne ;  and  me 
thought,  he  arose  in  the  Majesty  of  his  wrath, 
0* 


94 

but  speechless!  for  he  beheld what  do 

yon  think,  Col.? — why,  the  black  Owe/,  with  his 
Majesty^  "  Hickory  C/w.5,"  and  looking  defiance 
at  the  Royal  group,  as  he  stood  undaunted. — 
Yes,  with  the  identical  "Hickory  Club,"  me- 
thoujrht,  which  was  sent  His  Majesty  from  the 
society  at  Easton,  (Pa.')  some  months  since,  and 
which  His  "Hickory"  Highness,  received  in  so 
very  gracious  and  complimentory  a  manner. — 
You  stare,  Col.,  but  I  saw  it — (in  my  dream,) 
aye,  as  plain  as  I  see  you  now — and,  I  also  be 
held  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  fainting  in  the 
arms  of  Prince  Henry  John — and  Sir  Lying 
Sneak,  holding  a  bottle  of  volatile  spirits  of 
hartshorn,  to  Her  Highness's  nose,  while  her 
handmaids,  Chastity  and  Prudence,  took  to  flight 
on  the  approach  of  the  Camel,  and  were  not  seen 
again.  The  ladies  of  the  Court  all  fled,  and  the 
dandy  butterflies  flew  out  of  the  windows. — 
Green  Goblin  Grim,  had  been  seen  gliding  about 
the  Palace,  as  usual,  previous  to  the  sudden  ap 
pearance  of  the  Camel,  when  the  Green  Goblin 
vanished,  and  left  his  friends  to  the  mercy  of  the 
enemy,  who  seemed  to  have  the  best  of  the  day, 
for  he  could  foil  his  foes  with  their  "own  wea 
pon." 1  awoke ! 


COL.  HARDFARE.     Bravo!    Bravissimo !    Ma 
jor  Dauntless !  that  is  a  dream  worth  recording. 

MVJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.  Hardfare,  and 
well  for  the  party,  if  it  is  not  verified — aye,  and 
with  a  vengeance  !  Methinks,  I  see  the  whole 
terrified  group  hemmed  up  by  a  black  Camel, 
O  Jupiter !  and  Mars  !  what  a  scene,  what  a  set  of 
Hemes  !  But,  I.  was  really  so  terrified  myself  on 
awaking,  that  I  thought  the  Camel  stood  before 
me  in  reality — and  that  Green  Goblin  Grim,  stood 
behind  him,  menacing  vengeance  with  one  of  his 
goblinship's  tremendous  and  formidable  frowns, 
as  the  Camel  was  wielding  the  "  Hickory  Club," 
(of  which  he  kept  possession,)  as  though  in  de 
fiance  even  of  Green  Goblin — I  was  somewhat 
alarmed  for  myself:  I  have  no  objection  to  a  fair 
fight  in  the  field,  you  know,  Col. — let  me  die  no 
bly  !  honorably ! — not  be  knocked  down,  without 
a  challenge. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True,  Major  Dauntless. — 
But  you  do  not  apprehend  any  hostility  from  the 
Camel ;  whom,  we  are  told,  is  a  very  innoffensive, 
patient  animal,  when  not  provoked  and  imposed 
on — and,  as  he  had  possessio?i  of  the  "  Hickory 
C/w&,"  (in  your  dream,)  we  may  infer  that  the 
contest  will  soon  be  terminated  in  that  quarter  ? 


96 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Why,  Col.,  were  it  reality, 
I  should  deem  it  matter  of  some  doubt,  whether 
his  Rnyal  opponent  would  have  "waged  toar" 
with  him;  as  the  Camel's  credentials  might  in 
timidate  the  Royal  family,  for  he  is  a  most  re 
spectable  and  honorable  Camel,  and  has  a  host  of 
advocates,  even  in  the  great  City.  Another  lu 
dicrous  scene  relative  to  the  influence  of  the 
Camel,  I  will  also  now  relate.  Passing  her  Im 
maculate  Highness's  mansion  late  one  night,  I 
heard  a  serenade,  so  much  the  ton  this  season  at 
the  great  City.  No  doubt,  they  intended  to  do 
all  possible  honor  to  Her  Immaculate  Highness ; 
but,  unfortunately,  and  perhaps,  unintentional 
ly,  struck  •  up  "The  CamePs  a  coming!  Oho! 
Oho !  The  CamePs  a  coming !"  when,  poor  fel 
lows,  they  were  not  honored  by  the  least  atten 
tion,  for  not  a  more  effectual  method  could  have 
been  devised  to  alright  afar  off,  the  Immaculate 
Rosilia.  Indeed  Her  Highness  never  ventures 
out  alone  on  foot,  and  is  most  frequently  seen 
protected  in  her  coach  by  Prince  Henry  John, 
when  their  Highnesses  are  drawn  by  those  beauti 
ful  grays  from  the  western  wilds,  which  were 
presented  them  by  His  u  Hickory"  Highness,  ('on 
His  Majesty's  arrival  at  the  great  City,)  to  his 


97 

highly  esteemed  friends.  What  an  advantage  it 
is  to  be  a  Royal  favorite,  you  see,  Col.  Hardfare. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  /  do  not  see  it,  Major.  / 
see  only  Hardfare  !  But  "all  is  well  that  ends 
well" — remember, 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  aye,  Col.,  very  true. 
Time,  we  know,  regulates  every  thing.  Their 
Highnesses  are  well  supplied  with  glittering  vehi 
cles,  for  they  frequently  take  the  air  in  His  Ma 
jesty's  coach,  particularly  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness,  to  the  exclusion  (of  course)  of  all  intruders 
of  the  Royal  family  in  the  female  department. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Pray,  Major,  has  this  Im 
maculate  Princess  superior  attractions  or  acquire 
ments,  that  she  makes  such  a  noise  in  the  coun- 
try? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  I'll  tell  you,  Col. — an  or 
dinary  woman  with  a  superior  degree  of  assu 
rance  can  always  effect  more  than  either  beauty, 
merit,  or  talent.  The  Princess  of  Influence  has 
not,  in  my  estimation  (and  I  may  assert,  some  oth 
ers*)  any  extraordinary  attractions ;  and  as  for 
acquirements,  that  are  of  such  a  nature  as  to 
adorn  the  high  station  she  now  holds,  I  tell  you 
Col.,  it  is  all  a  sham.  Her  Highness  has  no  meri 
torious  talent,  rest  assured ;  yet  there  is  a  certain 


98 

^  Je  ne  sa  quoi,"  as  they  term  it,  in  some  people, 
scarcely  above  mediocrity,  that  can,  with  superfii 
cial  judges,  pass  for  wit,  grace,  and  even  talent. 
"All  is  not  goldih'dt  glitters,"  we  know,  and  may 
rely  on  it  in  this  case.  Art  can  produce  most 
astonishing  effect,  we  are  convinced,  and  some 
women  have  an  address  and  manner  (assumed  on 
proper  occasions)  that  often  captivates  even  their 
enemies.  But  in  former  days,  it  was  thought, 

"There's  no  woman  where  there's  no  reserve." 

By  Jupiter,  now-a-days,  Col,,  the  bolder  a  woman 
can  make  herself,  the  more  she  carries  the  day 
What  the  d — 1  is  a  woman  worth  to  any  man,  when 
she  knows  nothing  but  the  fashionable  phrases  of 
the  day,  and  of  the  frivolous  set  to  which  she  be 
longs  ?  Destitute  of  intellectual  resources,  how 
soon  her  society  must  weary  and  disgust.  Beau 
ty,  now-a-days,  is  not  what  was  termed  beauty  in 
a  female  some  years  back.  An  accomplished  and 
beautiful  woman,  was  then,  a  moderate  share  of 
personal  attractions,  and  a  mind  carefully  culti 
vated  like  a  rich  garden  to  yield  the  delightful 
flowers  of  wit,  fancy,  sentiment,  and  goodsense,to 
charm  and  secure  the  heart  of  her  husband.  Not 
frivolity,  insipidity,  coquetry,  and  fashionable 


99 

levity  to  catch  every  coxcomb,  who  pays  devotion 
to  insignificance,  by  "the  God  f  War!" 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Why,  re  ally,  Major  Daunt 
less,  you  are  a  man  of  sentiment,  if  you  are  a  rug 
ged  soldier  of  76,  and  know  how  to  discriminate, 
I  see. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  aye,  Col.,  T  hope  so; 
at  least,  sufficiently,  not  to  be  imposed  on,  by 
superficial  characters.  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness  affected  to  be  averse  to  attend  a  grand  din 
ner  given  at  the  Palace  some  months  since,  where 
several  hundred  persons  of  rank  were  invited  to 
pay  court  to  His  Majesty.  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness,  of  course,  and  Prince  Henry  John,  were  to 
be  there.  Bat  her  fair  Highness  declared  she 
detested  going,  as  all  the  foreign  ministers  and 
their  ladies  were  to  be  there,  and  she  could  not 
understand  a  word  they  would  say.  How  pecu 
liarly  unfortunate,  Col.,  for  a  Princess  to  be  igno 
rant  of  any  foreign  language,  and  also  of  Court 
polish  and  etiquette.  Such  an* amiable™  woman 
too !  Her  Highness  should  have  completed  her 
education,  (privately,)  after  she  was  so  suddenly 
elevated  to  grace  so  conspicous  -\  station.  But 
Princesses  can  have  their  interpreters  and  amanu- 
ensises,  who  may  read  occasionally,  as  well  as 
write  letters  for  their  Highnesses,  as  it  is  certainly 


100 

a  mechanical  drudgery  for  a  fair  Princess,  when 
Her  Highness  is  indisposed  for  either,  as  her  ex 
alted  station  should  exempt  her  from  such  labori 
ous  pursuits.  But  Her  Highness,  perhaps,  in 
tends  adhering  to  the  u  Retrenchment"  system, 
as  her  ancestors  knew  from  experience  the  value 
of  economy.  Yet  they  might  have  had  the  Rose 
of  the  family  made  conversant  in  foreign  languag 
es,  anticipating  her  elevation,  as  she  had  been 
noticed  and  brought  out  by  her  superiors  at  an 
early  period,  and  the  modern  languages  are  so 
very  essential  at  Court;  But,  her  fair  and  Imma 
culate  Highness  has  played  a  good  game  at  all 
events,  and  now  reaps  the  benefit  for  a  while; 
But  there  are  many  bitter  drops  among  the  sweets 
of  life  even  at  Court ,  we  aro.  convinced,  as  early 
acquaintance  cannot  brook  Her  Highness'  eleva 
tion,  as  it  is  so  far  beyond  her  former  level,  and 
therefore  it  excites  envy  and  persecution,  as  those 
persons,  and  many  others,  will  not  pay  to  this  Im 
maculate  Princess  the  obeisance  which  Her  High 
ness  conceives  she  has  a  right  to  exact,  as  Prin 
cess  of  Influence ;  therefore  it  is  with  Her  High 
ness,  as  it  was  with  Haman  at  the  King's  gate ; 
with  this  exception,  that  there  are  too  many 
Mordecais,  for  the  tranquillity  of  Her  Immaculate 


101 

Highness. — Therefore,  she   must  be   internally 
miserable,  even  amid  all  the  Court  splendour  and 
adulation  that  surrounds  her.     So  it  cannot  be 
entirely  the  "  Theatre  of  her  triumphs,"  where 
she  has  only  one  female  friend  to  "enter  the  lists" 
with  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  against  a  host  of 
formidable  female  opponents,  who  are  too  vindic 
tive  to  be  subdued  by  an  imperious  favorite,  and 
her  aid!,  the  generous  and  intrepid  lady  "Reform," 
(who,  by  the  by,  has  many  friends,  but  her  lady 
ship  is  a  part  of  the  Royal  family,  and  is  under  the 
necessity  of  conciliating  His  Majesty,  by  endea 
voring  to  protect  the  fair  favorite,  as  she  must  as 
sert  Her  Highness  is  an  "amiable"  woman,  which 
certainly  comes  with  a  better  grace  from  such  an 
advocate,  than  it  does  from  some  others,)  who  en 
deavors  to  console  her  dear  Rosilia;  but  it  is  the 
opinion  of  many  in  the  great  City,  that  the  Prince 
of  Influence,  had  better  taken  Her  Immaculate 
Highness  to  "Mexico,"  to  have  spared  her  feel 
ings  of  sensibility  at  the  persecution  of  her  ene 
mies.     Indeed,  Her  fair  Highness  would  do  bet 
ter  any  where,  than  at  Court.     There  she  is  too 
conspicuous  to  escape  censure,  which  a  luminary 
of  such  attractions  must  ever  excite.     There  are 
"spots  in  the   Sun"  we  are  told,  and  we  should 
not  be  astonished  at  the  partial  imperfections  of  a 
10 


102 

smaller  luminary ;  and  Prophets,  we  are  told, "  have 
seldom  honors  paid  them  in  their  own  land." 

COL.  HARDFARE.     True,  because  they  are  too 
well  known. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.     Aye,  and  the  ungenerous 
world  ever  points  out  the  foibles  of  "poor  human 
nature"     Well,  this  is  the  day  of  "  Reform"  r.e- 
member.     There's  room  enough  for  us  all   to 
"  Reform,"  and  by  Jupiter !  Col.,  we,  the  proscrib 
ed,  and  the  minority  /—yet,  no,  faith,  we  are  now 
the  majority  by  being  the  "proscribed,"  and  will 
soon  set  up  a  "Reform"  of  our  own,  aye,  and 
with  a  vengeance,  by  the  "  God  of  War !"     The 
Duke  of  "Retrenchment"  should  visit  the  levees 
often,  and  meditate  on  the  Corresponding  appear 
ance  of  the  magnificent  East  Room.     The  re 
flection  of  "Retrenchment"  from  those  immense, 
and  extravagant  "  Parisian  Mirrors,"  shew  every 
object  in  proper  light,  and  now  serve  to  reflect 
the  folly  of  those  who  placed  them  there.     O 
most  wise  King,  and  worthy  Princes  of  the  reign! 
we  are  struck  with  awe  at  your  wisely  conducted 
"Reform."     Spare  not  until  it  be  perfect— for 
your  own  glory  and  the  benefit  of  the  nation.  We 
are  all  fully  sensible  that  the  present  Royal  cabi 
net  required  great,  embellishment.  Col.,  and  those 


103 

mirrors  are  admirably  calculated  for  the  purpose, 
you  know. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Aye,  Major,  they,  who  hold 
the  "loaves  and  fishes,"  think  so,  I  dare  say;  but 
/  think  the  embellishment  should  have  been  at 
the  expense  of  mind  to  compensate  the  nation, 
not  thus  impoverish  it  by  a  wanton  extravagance ; 
how  much  more  prudent  would  we  have  appear 
ed  in  the  eyes  of  other  nations,  were  our  govern 
ment  truly  economising !  were  the  National  debt 
something  less,  at  this  day  of  splendour  and  su 
perfluous  parade  at  Yankee  Doodle  Court.  Not 
thus  to  set  up  a  cry  of  "  Reform,"  and  "  Retrench 
ment"  and  yet  have  a  Palace,  decorated  in  regal 
splendor,  in  a  Republican  country,  that  must  ex 
cite  the  mirth  and  derision  of  Europe.  The  glo 
ry  of  Liberty.  I  fear,  is  passing  from  us! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Alas!  Hardfare,  have  we 
come  to  this!  Yet  why  do  the  people  suffer 
themselves  to  have  sand  thus  thrown  in  their  eyes  ? 
and  be  blinded  for  the  purpose  of"  Reform."  In 
the  true  sense  of  the  word,  what  are  we  to  under 
stand  by  such  a  "  Reform  ?"  How  are  we  to  de 
fine  it?  Patience  yet  for  three  years,  good  Col, 
Hardfare  and  it  will  define  itself,  to  the  full  ex 
tent. — aye,  and  with  a  vengeance,  rely  on  it. 


1U4 

Then  the  disposal  of  that  profusion  of  superfluous 
articles  of  regal  splendour  in  the  great  East  Room, 
will  convince  "the  people"  of  the  true  meaning  of 
"  Retrenchment"  which  is  now,  only  a  hoax. 
The  people  are  deluded  by  a  shadow.  Those 
now  in  power  are  more  fond  of  external  appear 
ance  and  extravagance  than  their  predecessors, 
but  the  people  must  not  believe  it.  They  are 
told,  that  this  is  the  day  of  "Reform,"  and  must 
believe  it  is  so,  even  against  the  evidence  of  their 
semes. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Aye,  Major ;  the  people 
may  have  patience  to  endure  for  a  short  time  yet, 
but  rely  on  it,  they  will  not  be  altogether  such 
dupes  as  is  expected. 

M\J.  DAUNTLESS.  Why,  if  we  may  rely  on 
the  assertion  of  Green  Goblin  Grim,  (now  so 
high  in  favor  at  Court,)  we  shall  all  become  a 
miserable  race  of  slaves  ere  long.  Led  from  step  to 
step,  further  by  the  nose,  by  Jupiter,  like  Asses — 
till  every  honest  man  would  be  brought  in  com 
plete  subjection,  and  the  object  effected.  For  in 
stance,  the  Goblin's  very  eloquent  piece  on  "Po 
litical  excitement,"  some  few  weeks  since,  (which 
must  be  circulated  throughout  the  Union  ere 
this ;  but  which  God  forbid !  should  have  the  desi 
red  effect)  wherein  his  real  motive  is  very  obvi- 


105 

ous.  tt  Political  excitement"  says  this  grim  Per 
son  acre,  tt  w  wow  progressing  as  we  could  ?r'-\ 
There  is  now?,  no  /ears  of  the  result."  (u  Don't 
halloo  before  you  are  out  of  the  woods,"  grim 
spectre  !)  "  The  Republican,"  (i.  e.  the  Royal] 
"  party  is  wide  awake,"  (so  are  its  opponents  /) 
"  to  perform  their  duty,"  (aye,  with  a  vengeance !) 
"with  the  same  zeal,  unanimity,  and  energy,  in 
1830,  as  they  did  in  1828,  when  they  saved  their 
country."  O Jupiter!  oh!  Justice!  record  this 
audacious  assertion  !  u  saved  the  country !"  Y  es, 
with  a  vengeance !  Goblin ;  at  the  expense  of 
trampling  on  the  rights  -fthe  people — of  setting 
Liberty  and  Equality  at  defiance— that  glorious 
motto*  of  the  nation.  Why,  Col.  Hardfare,  if  Pd 
my  will,  Pd  have  the  Grim  Goblin  tarred  and 
feathered,  or  ducked  in  a  mill  pond,  for  the  a- 
musement  of  those  whom  he  now  thinks  to  insult 
with  impunity.  Mark  further,  Col.  "  The  wwk 
gr>es  on  bravely,  and  we  rej'nce  to  see  it  "  "Po 
litical  excitement," — yes,  Green  Goblin,  an  ex 
citement  that  is  preparing  for  thee — aye,  with  a 
vengeance  !  and  for  all  those  wrho  thus  insult  the 
people's  rights,  a  reward  they  least  expect.  Re 
taliation  with  interest — and  I  hope  /  may  live  to 
see  it.  So-r-"The  federal  party  have  become  a 
10* 


106 

mere  skeleton,"  says  this  Grim  Personage — ("  mis 
ery  loves  company"  we. know,)  and  quotes*  "the 
love  of  Political  sway  is  an  unconquerable  pas 
sion  ."  We  admit  it,  Green  Goblin,  and  see  it  ve 
rified  to  our  sorrow,  at  this  day.  Hear  again  the 
Goblin's  remarks  on  an  observation  of  some  of 
the  opposition,  (or  "minority,*')  about  "  Dis^rga- 
nizers  stopping  the  wheels  of  Government." 
(Pity  they  were  not  stopped,  Col.  Hardfare,  rather 
than  run  on  at  the  rate  they  do  nmv.)  But 
the  Green  Goblin  asserts  they  were  "  not  stopped ;" 
and  says,  that  a  "few  ill-advised  desperadoes  in 
Politics,  have  undertaken  to  fix  a  stigma  of  such 
intentions  on  the  eight  Republican  senators." 
"  But,"  says  he  "  can  an  act  so  glaring  and  indicative 
of  like  motives,  be  pointed  out  ?  We  appeal  to  the 
"people,"  (better  not,  Green  Goblin  may  be  dis 
appointed)  for  an  answer!  Time  will  furnish 
their  ivell  matured  conviction  upon  the  subject." 
(no  mistake  there.)  "  We  wish  that  time,"  (it 
will  come  too  soon  for  you,  Green  Goblin.)  "when 
their  conviction  might  properly  be  announced 
through  the  ballot  boxes,  could  be  this  day! 
(Alas !  for  poor  Goblin  Grim  !  if  it  could  !)  "We 
ardently  wish  it  at  hand !  We  are  impatient  to 
hear  the  voice  and  judgment  of  the  "people"  pro- 

*  Remarks  on  Hartford  Convention,  No.  3. 


107 

nounced,"  says  this  audacious  personage.  Oh! 
rest  assured,  it  will  come  soon  enough  for  thee 
thou  Grim  spectre ! — and  for  the  oppressors  of 
the  people's  rights  of  equality.  Tremble  then, 
thou  Goblin  Grim  ! — thy  spectral  form  will  hide 
itself  from  the  brilliant  beams  of  the  Western 
luminary,  now  attracting  thousands  to  admire  and 
extol.  Soon  will  you  see,  that  what  was  deemed 
a  setting  sun,  will  rise  in  glory  !  and  illumine  the 
obscurity  that  prevails  at  Court — where  they  are 
hostile  to  light  "  because  their  deeds  are  evil."-*- 
Good  night,  Col.  Hardfare. 


CHAPTER.  V 


MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Good  morning  Col.,  how 
did  you  digest  the  "  tough"  dish  of  Politics  which 
I  served  up  to  you  last  night  ?  You  thought  you 
have  had  Hard/are  enough  already. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True  Major,  but  the  season 
ing  was  to  my  palate,  I  assure  you,  and  I  wish  a 
similar  repast  this  morning  to  break  my  fast. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Have  you  any  objection  to 
a  Clay  dish  this  morning,  Col.  Hardfare  ? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  It  will  be  very  acceptable, 
Major,  you  may  rest  satisfied.  We  have  had  so 
much  of  "  tough  Hickory"  for  this  year  past,  that 
I  could  wish  most  heartily  to  have  a  Clay  repast 
in  succession  for  some  years  to  come.  It  would 
be  more  easily  digested,  you  know,  and  no  danger 
of  dispepsia.  It  will  require  something  of  a  dia 
metrically  opposite  nature  to  change  that  insup 
portable  disease  which  is  literally  destroying  so 


109 

large  a  portion  of  us,  ^if^dispeptic  medicines 
are  now  in  great  demand — the  proprietors  will 
amass  fortunes,  and  the  patients  derive  great  re 
lief — so  give  me  a  dish  of  Clay,  good  Major,  for 
this  day  at  least. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Then  you  must  know, 
Col.,  that  when  the  present  Lord  of  "Reform," 
(being  just  then  appointed,  and  on  his  lordship's 
way  to  the  great  City,  with  his  suit,)  had  stopped 
at  Wheeling,  tVa.)  Mr.  Clay  was  on  his  return 
home  from  the  metropolis — Mr.  C.  was  received 
by  the  citizens  of  Wheeling,  with  the  highest  de 
monstration  of  respect  and  pleasure,  and  escorted 
to  a  hotel  on  the  bank  of  the  river,  where  the 
Lord  of  "Reform,"  and  his  party  were  snugly 
moored  in  good  quarters,  enjoying  their  brilliant 
prospects  at  Court.  Suddenly  the  shouts  and 
huzzas  of  the  crowd  reached  their  ears,  and  the 
name  of  Clay,  almost  congealed  the  life-blood  at 
their  hearts.  They  hastily  decamped  from  the 
house,  as  if  the  d — 1  were  at  their  heels,  when  the 
equipage  of  the  great  statesman  drew  up  to  the 
door — and  all  the  "Hickory"  party,  with  the 
Lord  of"  Reform"  at  their  head,  and  T.  P.  Moore 
of  Kentucky,  ran  down  the  bank  of  the  river  to 
escape  from  the  reflection  of  the  brilliant a  Star  of 
the  West." 


110 

COL.  HARDFARE.  What!  Major,  did  they  run 
into  the  Ohio,  at  the  risk  of  being  drowned,  to 
conceal  their  chagrin  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Not  quite,  into  the  river, 
Col.,  I  was  told,  but  close  to  its  margin,  to  look 
for  a  steamer  to  carry  them  off,  and  ran  about  like 
mad-men  for  some  time,  because  there  were  none 
there.  Then  the  Royal  party  were  compelled  to 
look  for  a  "  Hickory"  house  to  protect  them  from 
Clay,  as  they  were  resolved  (most  ivisely,}  not  to 
re-enter  the  house  from  which  they  had  fled  so 
cowardly.  So  the  Lord  of  "Reform,"  and  his 
dear  friend  T.  P.  M.  took  up  with  &  plain  "Hick 
ory"  house,  which  their  lordships  considered  by 
no  means  calculated  to  entertain  such  exalted  per 
sonages.  But  they  made  a  virtue  of  necessity, 
and  endeavoured  to  philosophise  on  the  occasion 
until  next  day— when  their  lordships  took  a 
speedy  departure  for  the  great  City,  glad  to  make 
their  escape,  no  doubt,  from  among  the  numerous 
friends  of  the  Western  luminary.  A  public  dinner 
was  given  to  Mr.  Clay  on  the  following  day,  at 
the  spacious  hotel  of  Mr.  Graham,  where  the  pa 
triotic  citizens  of  Wheeling — hailed  the  presence 
of  Henry  Clay  with  infinite  satisfaction — and 
done  all  possible  honor  to  the  virtues  of  that  great 


Ill 

statesman  and  patriot,  in  anticipation  of  a  yet' 
more  pleasing  event  at  no  wry  distant  datt. — 
Among  the  numerous  and  appropriate  toasts  giv 
en  on  that  day  was  this — by  a  respectable  me 
chanic  of  the  place :  "May  our  next  Lord  of 
"  Rform  /"  have  fortitude  to  meet  a  plain  citi- 
ztn  of  our  country.'1'' 

COL.  HARDFARE.  A  very  just  remark,  Major; 
and  he  might  have  added — not  make  himself  a 
laughing-stock  to  the  mob,  by  exposing  his  cha 
grin. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  This  scene  was  surely 
prophetic  of  the  result  of  the  present  "Reign  of 
terror ;"  to  use  Goblin  Grim's  own  expressions ; 
and  the  Hawks  of  the  Palace,  say  I,  will  soon 
have  to  flee  from  the  overpowering  brilliance  of 
the  Star  of  Old  Kentucky.  Then  will  be  the 
"  day  of  triumph"  for  the  now  proscribed,  which 
will  bring  forward  those  now  in  minority,  as  a 
party,  to  confound  and  disperse  the  majority ; 
and  with  a  vengeance  Col.,  rely  on  it,  to  retali 
ate  on  the  guillotine-like  system,  pursued  so  as 
siduously,  and  indiscriminately  we  might  suppose, 
through  the  wise  counsels  of  Goblin  Grim.  A 
"  reign  of  terror,"  in  truth. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Aye,  Major,  God  grant  it 
mav  soon  terminate. 


MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Amen!  Col. — and  now  I 
have  entertained  you  so  long  with  regal  splendor, 
and  the  Immaculate  Princess  of  Influence,  allow 
me  to  descend  into  the  plcbian  walks  of  life  for 
a  while,  and  give  you  a  description  of  another 
class  of  society,  at  the  great  City  ;  all  requisite  to 
make  up  "varieties  of  life,"  you  know,  at  the 
Great  Metropolis.  You  must  know,  Col.,  that 
I  took  a  peep  into  an  assembly  room  one  evening, 
to  amuse  myself  with  the  sight  of  some  ridiculous 
animals  I  might  see  there.  But,  what  was  my 
astonishment  to  behold — the  Princess  of  Influ 
ence  ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  What!  reduced  to  her  pro 
per  tetel  at  last  ?  Major — say  you  so  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Not  quite,  as  yet,  Col.,  but 
all  in  good  time.  It  was  truly  ludicrous  to  be 
hold  the  supercilious  airs  of  the  plebian  ladies. — 
Ha!  ha!  ha!  Col. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Were  they  hostile  as  those 
at  the  Palace,  toward  the  fair  and  Immaculate 
Princess  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col  .-^equally  so,  if 
not  Worse — some  curled  their  pretty  lips  in  dis 
dain,  and  turned  their  backs  on  her  Immaculate 
Highness — others  sneered  al<>ud,  and  laughed  in 


113 

defiance.  Mrs.  T.  a  lady  of  some  spirit,  and  wife 
of  one  of  the  "  Reform"  party  too,  I  learn,  had 
stept  out  of  the  cotillion  (when  the  Princess  of 
Influence  was  seen  among  the  set) — and  refused 
to  take  part  in  the  festivity.  Such  a  hub-bub  was 
never  among  the  women.  They  got  into  groups 
and  posseys,  and  whispered^  and  laughed  aloud, 
occasionally:  also  throwing  significant  and  scru 
tinizing  glances  at  the  fair  Princess,  who,  (as 
Usual)  was  arrayed  by  the  Graces. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  But  where  were  Her  Im 
maculate  Highness's  handmaids — Chastity  and 
Prudence. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Don't  you  recollect,  Col., 
that  the  Camel  put  them  to  flight ;  as  portended 
in  my  dream — and  they  assuredly  will  never  bo 
found  near  Her  Immaculate  Highness  again — 
they  are  so  very  timid,  they  have  been  terrified 
afar  off,  and  cannot  return.  But  the  swarm  of 
**  exquisites^  or  monkey-like  dandies,  (who  al 
ways  surround  her  fair  Highness,  like  a  swarm  of 
musquitoes,)  attendant  on  her  fair  person,  make 
up  the  loss — for  it  is  a  most  superlative  happiness 
to  wait  on  an  "  amiable"  woman.  But  if  she  drop 
a  glove  or  handkerchief,  how  the  d — 1  these  per 
fumed  exquisites  are  to  pick  them  up,  is  a  mira- 
11 


114 

cle  to  me;  for  their  wasp-like  figures,  screwed  up 
in  corsets,  by  Jove !  could  not  be  very  expert  to 
shew  their  devotion,  Col. — a  good  sized  Kentuck- 
ian  might  put  half  a  dozen  such  delicate  animals 
in  his  pocket  without  inconvenience.  These 
insects  sip  tea,  and  taste  sweetmeats  with  the  la 
dies.  What  a  delicate  and  effeminate  race !  What 
brave  looking  Knights  of  modern  chivalry,  to 
protect  a  "  charming"  Princess !  Corsets  for 
breast-plates,  and  gold  headed  canes  for  swords, 
by  Jupiter  !  what  will  they  avail  ?  There,  too,  I 
saw  a  petite  figure,  resembling  Sir  Lying  Sneak. 
bowing  and  breathing  devotion  on  the  fair  hands 
of  the  Immaculate  Princess,  who  seemed  to  blush  ; 
but,  perhaps,  recollecting  that  modesty  has  so 
long  been  exploded  among  the  ton^  as  an  anti 
quated  incumbrance,  Her  Highness  dispensed 
with  it,  and  this  being  evidently  the  reign  of  im 
pudence  as  well  as  u  Reform"  a  coquette  may 
play  off  her  airs  to  advantage,  and  perfection,  in  a 
Ball-room. 

COL.  iLvRDFARE.  ts  the  Princess  of  Influ 
ence  a  fine  dancer,  Major  ? 

M.V..T.  DAUNTLESS.  Oh!  to  perfection,  Col, 
Her  Immaculate  Highness  dances  like  a  top  on  a 
pewter  jplate,  and  waltzes  like  a  wti'irti <':••?. 


115 

COL.  HARDFARE.     Then  she  is  a.  nonpar iel ! 
indeed,  and  excites  the  envy  of  her  sex. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Not  entirely,  good  Col. 
Many  an  aching* heart  beats  under  an  embroider 
ed  vest.  Humble  honesty  breathes  freely.  The 
rosy  milk  maid  may  be  envied  by  the  Princess  of 
Influence — for  neither  envy,  nor  malice,  pursues 
the  happy,  unobtrusive  rustic,  who  has  never 
heard  of  Court.  Princes  themselves  may  often 
envy  the  listless  cottager,  careless  of  renown — 
and  a  pitcher  of  cold  water  and  a  crust  of  bread 
for  the  "proscribed"  keeps  the  head  clear,  and 
prevents  dyspepsia,  that  fashionable  tormentor, 
most  assuredly  originating  from  fat  offices.  So 
toe,  shall  be  in  no  danger  of  the  disease — that's 
some  consolation,  Col.  Hardfare  !  is  it  not  ? 

CQL.  HARDFARE.  Most  certainly  Major,  and 
we  shall  thereby  become  good  Philosophers,  and 
Jiave  a  keener  appetite  for  the  good  things  of  this 
world,  by  and  by. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.,  when  we  can 
get  at  them  you  would  say — that's  very  true. 

We  have  had  d d  u  tough"  times,  and  hard 

fare  for  this  year  past,  but  it  will  serve  a  good 
purpose  eventually,  as  we  shall  know  how  to  pro- 


116 

vide  better  for  the  future.  A  little  "bought  wit," 
you  know,  Col.  Hardfare  —  if  not  "  too  dear." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Yes,  Major,  we  all  know, 
that  it  is  best  to  grow  wise  by  experience,  in  this 
licentious  age.  How  did  the  Plebian  assembly 
terminate. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  As  usual,  Col.,  in  "  vanity 
and  vexation  of  spirit."  Effeminacy  in  the  men, 
and  dissimulation,  flirting,  and  inconstancy  among 
the  women.  Virtue  is  an  antiquated  incum- 
brance  now-a-days  among  the  ton,  that  is  easily 
got  rid  of;  and  wealth,  arrogance,  and  impudence, 
carry  the  day.  Huzza,  Col.,  for  improvement  in 
morals  at  the  great  City  !  The  reign  of  perfect 


COL.  HARDFARE.  To  the  glory  of  the  Fan~ 
kee  Doodle  Court  ? 

MAJ,  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.,  there's  no  mis 
take  in  that,  we  are  sure.  The  present  Reign 
will  read  well  on  the  annals  of  our  country,  for 
the  benefit  of  posterity,  by  warning  them  to  avoid 
the  rocks  and  quicksands  on  which  a  bad  pilot 
ever  runs  the  ship.  But  there  will  be  more  light 
in  the  binnacle,  next  voyage,  and  a  more  compe 
tent  commander  —  also,  a  m  ore  select  ship's  crew, 
who  will  retrieve  the  character  of  the  ship,  for 


117 

the  honor  of  the  nation.     Huzza !  Col.,  for  the 
brilliant  star  of  Kentucky ! 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Very  good,  Major  Daunt 
less.  I  Wish  success  to  the  Western  luminary  with 
all  my  heart  and  soul ;  but  what  will  the  Royal 
family  think  and  feel  on  such  an  occasion.  Will 
they  rejoice!  think  you  ?  to  surrender  the  ship  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Why  if  there's  no  alterna 
tive,  they  may  as  well  get  off  with  a  good  grace, 
you  know,  Col.,  and  save  some  credit  by  it.  But, 
really  the  situation  of  the  present  inmates  of  the 
palace,  must  be  like  that  of  persons  who  can  read 
their  own  fate  by  the  prognostics  of  the  times. 
A  "short  life,  and  a  merry  one"  is  some  people's 
motto,  for  instance — "Mr.  North,  have  you  those 
very  superb  vases,  to  dispose  of,  which  I  saw  in 
your  collection  yesterday  ?"  says  the  Princess  of 
Influence,  one  morning  to  a  gentleman,  who  had 
brought  some  thousands  of  dollars  in  valuable  ar 
ticles,  of  the  most  fashionable  and  splendid  k  ind, 
designed  as  embellishments  for  the  Yankee  Doo 
dle  Court,  and  also  the  mushroom  quality  of  the 
great  City. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Aye,  Major,  they  needed 
embellishment,  there  has  been  so  much  rusticity 
transported  to  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court.  In- 


IIS 

deed  it  will   scarcely  wear  off  in  three   years. 
Well,  what  of  the  vases  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Enough  to  convince  you 
of  the  "Retrenchment"  of  the  Cabinet,  Col,— 
Mr.  North  replied  to  Her  Immaculate  Highness, 
that  he  had  reserved  them  for  her;  and  wished  to 
have  them  sent  up,  being  the  most  superb  articles 
of  the  kind  in  the  collection,  and  particularly  ap 
propriate  for  Her  Highness,  tf  O !  you  ask  such 
an  enormous  prjee,  Mr.  North,"  returned  Her 
Highness.  "  I  beg  your  Highness's  pardon,  but 
they  are  considered  very  low,  for  articles  so  very 
superior.  Your  Highness  I  know  will  be  pleas 
ed  with  them."  "  O  Mr.  North,  the  money  is  so 
scarce  with  us  at  present.  It  is  the  u  Reform^ 
you  know;  and  I  have  already  expended  so  many 
thousands  these  few  months  past,  for  the  gayety 
of  the  approaching  season.  My  drawing  room 
decorations  have  cost  me  so  much,  you  know. 
What  have  you  ordered  for  me  to-day  ?"  "Your 
Highness's  drawing-room  curtains  and  drapery  are 
sent,  and  I  have  come  to  superintend  the  arrange 
ments.  Will  your  Highness  be  at  leisure  to  look 
at  them  ?  Why, I  am  pressed  with  engagements 
at  this  time,  but  we  must  have  them  up.  The  le 
vees  are  commencing  at  Cour^  and  I  must  have 


119 

my  drawing-room  arranged  in  appropriate  style. 
I  will  certainly  look  at  those  vases  again,  Mr, 
North,  and  request  the  Prince  of  Influence  to  ac 
company  me,  But  you  ask  so  extremely  high  for 
them.  Indeed  I  am  afraid  Prince  Henry  will  re 
fuse  to  give  them  to  me."  "  No  fear  of  that — 
your  Highness  need  not  consult  the  Prince  of 
Influence,  for  he  can  deny  you  nothing,  and  your 
Highnesses  own  taste  is  infallible.  Shall  I  send 
diem  ?"  u  Why  you  may  reserve  them,  most  cer 
tainly  ;  for  the  fact  is,  I  must  have  them,  they  are 
so  very  splendid.  But  the  money,  Mr.  North,  is 
so  hard  to  make  up,  just  now,  you  know."  "  You 
need  not  mind  the  money  now,  madam  ;  the  credit 
of  the  Prince  of  Influence  is  good,  and  His  High 
ness  may  remit  it  when  most  convenient ;  so  your 
Immaculate  Highness  may  have  the  vases."  "  I 
wiil  take  a  ride  to  your  ware-room  in  an  hour, 
Mr.  North,  as  there  are  some  other  superb  articles 
— but  they  take  so  much  cash,  to  get  all  that  is 
wanting — and  that  one  absolutely  must  have,  you 
know."  "  Certainly,  madam  ;  name  your  com 
mands,  and  Prince  Henry  J.'s  credit  is  good 
enough  for  them  a//."  "  O  but  do  you  know,  Mr. 
No.-rh,  that  I  have  already  expended  more  than 
eight  thousand  dollars,  within  a  few  months,  only 


120 

at  the  commencement  of  my  purchases  ?  and  how 
much  do  you  suppose  since  ?" 

"Oh !  that's  a  trifle  for  your  Highness — there 
are  resources  sufficient,  we  know.  The  Lord 
Criterion  has  been  looking  over  my  articles,  and 
chosen  a  quantity  of  brilliant  decoration  for  the 
East  room.  Your  Highness  had  better  come 
soon,  while  there  is  a  choice*  you  know.  I  am 
really  sacrificing  some  of  them." 

"  O  Mr.  North,  the  Lord  Criterion  has  monopo 
lized  so  many  superb  articles  for  that  East  room 
that  really  it  seems  as  though  he  would  never 
have  done  with  it :  and  is  so  selfish  and  se//-opi- 
niated,  no  one  dare  interfere  ;  it  is  really  laugha 
ble  to  see  how  entirely  devoted  his  lordship  is  to 
the "  "Service  of '"  Retrenchment"  I  sup 
pose  your  Highness  would  say  ?  "  O  no !  Mr. 
North — why — yes — in  a  degree — in  some  meas 
ure — but  I  mean  to  say — to  the  splendid  decora 
tions  of  that  part  of  the  palace,  in  particular.  It 
is  really  his  lordship's  hobby.  He  will  not  allow 
even  myself  to  suggest  a  single  improvement, 
much  less  any  one  e/se,  you  know,  in  the  Palace. 
I  laugh  at  him  often."  "  Not  allow  your  High 
ness  to  have  a  say  ?  I  am  astonished !  really  it  is 
unaccountable.  You  ought  to  give  directions,  as 


121 

your  Highness's  taste  is  infinitely  superior,  \\o 
know."  "  O  they  are  determined  to  manage  it 

themselves.  Capt.  B absolutely  thought  I 

had  superintended  all  the  decorations,  particular 
ly  the  azure  drapery  of  the  curtains,  &c. — and  I 
could  scarcely  convince  him  that  I  had  just  sug- 
gested  a.  slight  improvement,  which  the  Lord 
Criterion  thought  proper  to  adopt,  as  it  had  a  pret 
ty  effect — but  nothing  further  was  allowed  me ; 
however,  /  shall  assuredly  get  all  the  credit  of  it, 
so  it  is  all  the  same  you  know,  and  I  can  then 
laugh  at  Lord  Criterion,  But  I  assure  you  His 
Lordship  appeared  to  consider  the  improvement 
all  his  own.  His  Lordship  intends  to  astonish  and 
delight  all  the  visiters  at  Court  this  winter  by  the 
brilliancy  of  the  decorations,  particularly  those  of 
the  East  room,  to  which  his  lordship  has  been 
absolutely  devoted  for  six  weeks  past," 

COL.  HARBFARE.  There's  a  spirit  of  "  Re 
form  trnly,'Major.  How  enchantingly  those  Pa 
risian  mirrors  must  reflect  the  "superb"  furniture 
and  Jimcracks  of  that  great  East  room !  O 
Hercules !  what  a  substitute  for  Talent  and  In 
tegrity!" 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.     No  "mistake"  there,  Col. 

COL,  HARDFARE,     Not  in  the  contrast^  Ma- 


|or,  but  the  people  certainly — made  an  egregi 
ous  "mistake"  when  they  exchanged  intellectu 
al  brilliancy,  for  gilded  mirors,  to  reflect 

the  "  Reform  " and  some  glaring  defects  in 

the  system.  But  what  was  done  with  the  vases  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Her  Immaculate  High 
ness  engaged  them  at  $60 — but  they  were  esti 
mated  at  more.  It  was  a  paltry  sum,  for  two  su 
perfluous  vases,  articles  of  foreign  finery,  of  cum 
brous  size  to  be  removed  in  so  short  a  time,  and 
is  a  convincing  proof  of  the  folly  and  "  extrava 
gance"  of  the  Princess  of  Influence,  thus  neglect 
ing  and  forgetful  of  a  "  rainy"  day  ;  and  which  the 
boisterous  appearance  of  the  weather  already  in 
dicates. 

COL.  HARPFARE.  We  may  suppose,  Major, 
that  the  Prince  of  Influence  has  a  greater  profu 
sion  of  splendid  decorations  than  other  Princes 
of  the  Reign,  as  His  Highness  has  the  most  ac 
complished^  most  beautiful,  and  most  "amiable" 
Princess  to  adorn  the  drawing  room,  and  there 
fore  it  is  absolutely  requisite,  we  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  True,  but  the  quantity  or 
estimate  of  the  furniture  cannot  be  ascertained 
as  the  Prince  of  Influence  had  positively  refused 
to  admit  the  assessors,  last  summer*  into  his 

*  June,  1829. 


IflJ 

Princely  mansion,  and  even  peremptorily  deman 
ded  their  authority  for  thus  presuming  to  come  to 
His  Highness,  on  such  business — that  he  would 
submit  to  "no  such  imposition,"  or  encroachment. 
and  ordered  them  off1,  telling  the  principal  one? 
however,  to  have  his  bill  of  taxes  made  out,  and 
he  would  pay  it,  be  it  what  it  might;  but  would 
never  submit  to  such  an  imposition  as  suffering 
tlrem  to  go  over  his  house.  There's  a  Prince, 
for  you,  Col.  A  man  of  spirit.  I  admire  a  mili 
tary  man,  who  has  a  high  spirit.  By  "the  God 
of  War" — it  is  like  "  tough  Hickorif — not  easi 
ly  broken.  His  Highness  was  disturbed  while  at 
dinner,  it  is  said,  and  that  you  know,  Col.  Hard- 
fare  was,  alone,  enough  to  make  any  man  vindic 
tive,  much  less  a  Prince,  we  may  suppose,  for  it  is 
devilish  seldom  ive  can  dine  sumptuously,  Col. 
Hardfare,  you  know,  from  experience,  since  the 
Royal  ones  hold  the  "loaves  and  fishes,"  and  we 
must  be  satisfied  with  the  "  crumbs  that  fall  from 
their  table."  But  Col.,  though  we  fare  d— d 
hard,  at  present,  like  all  those  opposed  to  the  mo 
dern  "  Reform^ — yet,  we  are  profiling  by  the 
Royal  example,  and  when  the  "tablesare  turned"1* 
(over)  which  are  now  very  tottering,  we  .shall  be 
able  to  give  them  as  spare  diet  in  return,  (Aye, 


124 

and  with  a  vengeance.  Col.,)  for  the  benefit  of 
their  health,  to  be  easy  of  digestion  ;  and  prevent 
dyspepsia,  that  tormenting  Court  disease,  through 
inactivity  of  mind  and  luxurious  and  super-abun 
dant  fare,  at  the  expense  of  the  "people." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True,  Major,  but  that  was 
really  extraordinary  conduct  in  the  Prince  of  In 
fluence.  A  Prince  of  "  Reform!"  What  could 
have  been  his  influential  Highness's  motive  ?  do 
you  suppose  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  That's  best  known  to 
His  Influential  Highness  himself,  Col.  Princes^ 
we  know,  or  ought  to  know,  have  an  unquestiona 
ble  right  and  privilege  to  act  as  they  please,  on  all 
occasions,  and  more  particularly,  Col.,  when  they 
are  reforming  the  nit  ion.  The  Prince  of  Influ 
ence  has  supported  his  own  dignity  admirably,  in 
this  case,  to  prove  that  His  Highness  is  not  to  be 
imposed  on  with  impunity. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  True,  most  certainly,  in  that 
case  iv e  ought  not  to  forget  that  it  is  the  "  Reign 
of  Reform"  We  who  thus  experience  the  ri 
gour  of  the  times.  But  those  Princes  of  the  Reign 
must  have  easy  times  at  Court,  there  is  so  little 
mental  energy  required  by  this  time,  as  the  "  Re 
form"  has  progressed  with  such  astonishing  ra- 


125 

piditij.  How  do  they  pass  their  time  there  on  an 
average,  Major  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  O,  to  advantage,  we  may 
suppose,  Col.  Splendid  levees,  and  a  perpetual 
round  of  Court  amusements  fill  up  the  vacant  hours- 
'Tis  a  six  months  session  of  Congress,  you  know, 
and  consequently,  the  great  City  is  more  than 
usually  lively  and  brilliant. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  So  one  might  suppose ;  and 
there  is  much  intellectual  brilliance  there  also,  of 
course  among  such  a  concourse  of  great  Persona 
ges  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  No  "mistake"  in  that? 
Col.,  we  may  rest  assured.  The  great  competi 
tion  of  talent  is  what  they  are  all  wrangling 
about.  There  are  more  political  contests  at  this 
crisis  in  the  great  City  than  ever  was  known  be 
fore,  for  very  obvious  reasons — there  never  was 
such  a  constellation  of  intellectual  brilliancy 
there  until  this  day,  both  in  Cabinet  and  Con 
gress — and  this  beautiful,  and  so  very  requisite 
system  of  "Reform,"  is  working  miracles,  and 
will  set  all  the  (hitherto  confused}  affairs  of  the 
nation,  to  rights.  It  will  soon  bring  all  things  in 
to  proper  order,  and  there  will  be  nothing  left  for 

the  succeeding   administration   to   perform.     It 
12 


126 

will  be  truly  grateful  for  all  the  exertion  of  these 
vigilant  Princes  for  the  benefit  of  the  nation' 
Superior  talent  and  genius,  is  the  gift  of  the 
Gods  I  and  we  bow  in  admiration  of  the  over 
powering  brilliance  of  the  Royal  Cabinet. — Col 
let  us — 

tfc  Tie  first,  true  merit  to  befriend  ? 

"His  praise  is  lost!  who  wait  'till  all  commend." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Aye,  Major  Dauntless,  you 
are  not  slow  to  discover  talent,  and  give  merit  its 
due.  But  what  of  "  arraying  the  North  against 
the  South" — and  all  that  great  political  conten 
tion  among  the  Hon.  members. — Think  you,  it  is 
any  thing  more  than  a  mere  war  of  words  ?  A 
wily  display  of  argument  for  the  competition  of 
talent,  to  astonish  the  nation  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS,  Nothing  more,  rely  on  it 
Col.  But  the  great  Massachusetts  Demosthenes, 
(who  is  so  very  obnoxious  and  formidable  to 
Green  Goblin  Grim,)  will  ever  have  "£/ie  best  of 
the  battle"  rely  on  it ;  and  for  the  glory  of  the 
nation.  What  a  Herculean  weapon  he  wields  I 
A  stout  "  Hickory  club,"  is  a  mere  willow  switch 
in  comparison.  He  strikes  his  hearers  with  as 
tonishment,  and  captivates  even  his  opponents? 


127 

with  whom  he  plays  as  a  "wary  cat  does  with  a, 
timid  mouse,  whom  she  is  conscious  of  having  in 
her  power  at  any  moment  when  disposed  to  put 
her  paw  on  it."  This  North  star,  remits  an  ef 
fulgence  equal  to  the  luminary  of  the  West,  and 
has  already  astonished  the  nation. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Yes,  Major,  we  are  already 
making  a  noise  in  the  world.  Europe  will  assur 
edly  give  us  due  credit  for  talent ;  among  our 
statesmen,  which  is  even  more  requisite  than  in 
the  Cabinet,  as  it  takes  most  of  the  trouble  off 
the  Princes  of  the  Reign.  Too  much  mental  en 
ergy  impairs  health,  and  is  wearisome  we  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.,  they  take  good 
care  now-a-days  not  to  fatigue  themselves.  Fools 
if  they  would,  when  they  can  get  along  more 
easily. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  How  do  those  "  Emblems 
of  Innocence"  fare,  Major,  when  they  are  getting 
so  numerous.  There  will  be  great  flocks  of"  Ca 
naries"  raised  throughout  the  Union  we  may  sup 
pose,  when  this  Court  secret  is  divulged,  (as  it  will 
be  now)  as  most  important  to  Office  hunters.  I 
leally  suspect  there  was  some  anticipation  of 
something  of  the  kind,  as  I  now  recollect  having 
seen  immence  quantities  of  u  Canaries,"  a  year 


198 

ago  in  Philadelphia,  and  other  cities,  which  ex- 
eited  my  astonishment ;  but  /  had  not  the  most 
distant  idea  of  the  little  warblers  being  raised  for 
such  a  speculation.  It  must  have  originated  from 
a  knowledge  of  Her  Immaculate  Highness's  ex 
travagant  fondness  for  birds — and  thus  has  be 
come  a  fashionable  compliment.  Pray,  Major, 
has  Her  Highness  no  fondness  for  any  other  of 
the  feathered  tribe  than  those  diminutive  "  Cana 
ries  ?" 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  O  yes,  Col.,  Her  Highness 
has  some  fine  Mocking  birds ;  and  several  others  ; 
but  the  "  Canaries"  carry  the  day,  I  assure  you. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  So  it  seems — but  has  she 
no  Parrot  ?  There  is  some  congeniality  in  a 
Parrot  for  a  woman. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Parrot!  Col.  Hardfare  ? 
Do  you  take  Her  Immaculate  Highness  for  a  fool  ? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  By  no  means — Major — we 
all  are  fully  sensible  to  the  contrary.  But  she 
loves  to  talk,  or  she  is  no  ivoman,  you  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Why  then,  do  you  suppose 
Her  Highness  would  keep  a  tell  tale — which  a 
Parrot  is  so  well  known  to  be.  Not  a  single 
circumstance  escapes  "  Po//'s"  notice,  and  her 
tongue  is  never  quiet,  if  that  is  congeniality? 
Her  Immaculate  Highness  would  have  more  trou- 


ble  in  such  a  case,  than  she  now  endures  from 
her  female  persecutors ;  and  God  knows  that  is 
quite  enough.  There  could  be  no  retailing  scan 
dal — no  laughing  behind  the  back  of  absent  per 
sons — no  sarcastic,  unfeeling,  and  erroneous  ob 
servations  that  "Poll"  would  not  reiterate  ;  and 
cause  more  perplexity  than  you  are  aware  of. — 
No,  no,  Col.,  Her  Highness  is  an  "amiable"  wo 
man,  and  would  not  wound  the  feelings  of  the 
absent  and  defenceless  in  such  a  way.  Even  Sir 
Lying  Sneak,  knew  better  than  to  take  a  chatter 
ing  Parrot  to  present  Her  Immaculate  Highness. 
But  he  obtained  an  office  through  two  dear  little 
chirping  "  Canaries,"  and  set  the  example. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Ha!  ha!  Major,  you  are 
before  me  in  apprehension — I  did  not  reflect. — 
Well — what  more  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  "My  dear!"  (says  Her 
Immaculate  Highness  to  the  Prince  of  Influence, 
one  day,)  "  where  do  you  suppose  those  beautiful 
lines  of  Poetry  came  from,  with  those  "canaries  ?" 
Let  me  read  it  to  you — is  a  very  pretty  composi 
tion  I  assure  you.  "  Pshaw !"  (replied  His  High 
ness  with  a  contemptuous  sneer)  "Some  fool  has 
copied  it  out  of  the  c  Souvenir.'  It  is  very  evident 
those  lines  are  not  original."  "La!  my  dear! 


18D 

how  can  you  think  so ! — they  are  so  very  pretty  j 
Now  do  have  patience  to  hear  it  all?"  "Not  7," 
(replied  His  Highness)  "they  are  too  insipid!^ 
His  Highness  then  turned  away — not  having  any 
taste  for  the  sentimental — when  Her  Immacu 
late  Highness,  after  reading  this  very  frivolous 
composition,  six  times  over  at  least,  to  every  vi- 
siter ;  (and  a  very  convenient  method  of  enter 
taining  them,  answering  two  important  purposes ; 
first,  that  of  gratifying  Her  Fair  Highness's  vanity^ 
and  second,  making  up — a  subject  to  spare  Her 
Highness's  slender  stock  of  ideas — not  a  bad  con 
trivance,)  took  it  to  Lady  "  Reform,"  whose  su 
perior  judgment,  made  Her  Highness  quite  satis 
fied.  As  the  Lady  "  Reform"  is  infallible  as  her 
Lord.  Her  Immaculate  Highness,  has  therefore? 
much  consolation  amid  her  turmoils  at  Court — 
surrounded  by  her  persecutors  as  she  possesses 
one  female  friend  at  least. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  A  most  amusing  and  edi 
fying  "  Reform,"  to  a  certainty,  Major — a  me-- 
morable  era,  for  the  honor  of  the  nation !  whose 
character  must  now  stand  high  and  fair  abroad^ 
when  they  stand  so  fair  at  home.  There's  noth 
ing  more  wanting  to  immortalize  us ! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  That's  certain,  Col.,  for 
there's  the  Duke  of  Intrigue,  turning  lawyer  oc- 


casionally,  (O  Jupiter!)  and  can  plead  a  cause  at 
this  time  in  court  they  say,  equal  to  any  of  his 
competitors  at  the  bar.  It  is  an  admirable  talent 
certainly,  and  what  an  advantage  in  this  reign  of 
"Reform  and  Retrenchment,"  to  have  Princes 
who  are  so  condescending  to  do  any  thing  for  the 
benefit  of  the  nation — and  then,  it  evinces  a  ver 
satility  of  talent,  so  very  desirable,  and  so  requi 
site  in  a  Prince,  who  may  stand  as  fair  a  chance 
as  any  other  Prince  to  get  hold  of  the  reins; 
which  should  ever  be  commanded  by  a  skilful 
hand — "give  the  d — /  his  due,"  always,  you 
know,  Col.,  so  we  cannot  say  too  much  in  appro^ 
bation,  and  admiration  of  the  Princes  of  the  reigri 
of  "  Reform,"  and  admirable  "  Retrenchment  /" 
Good  night,  Col.,  I  must  retire  and  endeavor  to 
digest  this  substantial  dish  of  politics,  by  a  turn 
or  two  over  the  piazza  ere  I  sleep,  to  secure  the 
benefit  of  refreshing  slumber  to  refit  me  for  the 
continuation  of  our  important  subject  to-morrow ; 
when  I  shall  endeavor  to  bring  it  to  a  close,  with  a 
promise  of  a  larger  edition  next  ivinter,  when 
there  will  be  more  to  relate,  for  the  recess  is  near, 
and  ice  must  take  holiday  also.  Good  night. 


CHAPTER.  VI. 


MA.T.  DAUNTLESS.  Good  morning,  Col.  Hard- 
fare,  I  hope  you  slept  well  last  night? 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Thank  you  good  Major;  T 
did,  and  am  happy  to  see  you  look  so  refreshed. 
What  were  your  visions  during  the  night,  and  the 
reign  of  Morpheus  ?  Were  you  transported  again 
to  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  and  dazzled  by  the  in 
comparable  attractions  of  the  fair  Princess  of  In 
fluence  ? 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  No,  Col.,  the  Prince  of 
Influence,  and  his  w  Hickory"  Highness,  will  ever 
keep  such  a  poor  d — 1  as  myself  from  getting  so 
near  Her  Immaculate  Highness — and  more  than 
that  I  can  say,  Col.,  that  a  candid  and  honest  man, 
will  not  crave  the  honorable  privilege.  But  al 
low  me  now  to  finish  the  scene  I  attempted  to 
paint  at  the  commencement  of  these  details — the 
delineation  of  u  Hickory"  clemency,  must  be  more 


fully  gi  iren  to  evince  the  polish  of  Yankee  Doo 
dle  Co  urt.  It  was  early  one  morning  in  the  lat 
ter  parit  of  November,  1829,  when  the  authoress 
was  so  very  elegantly  received  by  His  Majesty — 
(you  will  recollect,  Col.,)  she  was  the  bearer  of  a 
packe't  from  a  female  artist  of  celebrity,  also  an 
American,  and  whose  talents  have  a  claim  on  the 
attention  and  patronage  of  His  Majesty,  as  he  has 
been  immortalized  by  her  paintings.  The  u  trea-> 
ty  oj'  Ghent,"  exhibited  for  many  years  in  the  ro- 
tundia  of  the  Capitol,  and  executed  in  a  superior 
style.  But  painting  nor  poetry,  are  appreciated 
at  the  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  (they  must  adhere 
strictly  to  Retrenchment,  you  know,)  when  the 
authoress  had  waited  a  full  hour  or  more,  in  the 
audience  parlour,  (as  described)  and  His  Majesty 
burst  into  the  room  in  all  his  terrific  grandeur  of 
deportment,  characteristic  of  the  "Hero,"  about 
to  encounter  the  hated  foe ;  while  he  stood  like 
the  demon  of  Vengeance,  looking  sternly  on  the«. 
face  of  his  terrified  visitor,  until  he  received  the 
packet,  and  then  deigned  to  tell  her  to  "  be  seat 
ed,"  (though  in  a  haughty  and  repelling  tone,  that 
ill  became  so  g-reat  a  man,)  while  he  perused  the 
packet — when  suddenly  one  of  the  side  doors 
were  opened  by  a  female,  resembling  the  lady 


134 


with  a  white  turban  twisted  about 
her  head  in  mock  oriental  style,  (there's  ajj'::'.ta- 
tion  of  refinement  at  Yankee  Doodle  Court,,  and 
who  stood  for  a  few  moments  gazing  impertinent 
ly  and  with  great  scrutiny  *  on  the  visiter,  as  though 
it  were  sacrilege  to  have  entered  the  Palace.,  with 
out  her  ladyship's  knowledge  and  permission  — 
and  after  critically  surveying  the  stranger,  and 
peeping  her  head  into  the  room,  to  ascertain  what 
his  Majesty  was  employed  about,  (who  was  too 
intent  on  the  subject  of  the  packet  to  observe 
her,)  her  ladyship  closed  the  door  as  uncere- 
moneously  as  she  had  opened  it;  and  some  min 
utes  elapsed  when  another  female  form,  silent 
and  inquisitive  as  the  former,  partially  made  her 
appearance,  at  the  same  door,  but  not  attired  with 
such  commanding  grace.  This  one  resembled 
the  Countess  of  Dictate,  or  the  Princess  of  Insig-* 
nificance,  whose  persons  bear  some  resemblance 
to  each  other  —  the  latter  is  the  delicate  lily  of  the 
Palace,  and  as  insipid  as  delicate.  Sqns  ceremo- 
nie  this  last  figure  disappeared  also,  and  in  a  few 
moments  again  —  a  pair  of  bright  and  inquisitive 
eyes,  belonging  to  an  invisible  body,  could  be  dis 
covered,  as  the  door  was  left  ajar,  for  the  purpose 
(evidently)  of  making  discoveries,  (had  there 


m 

been  any  to  make,)  in  time  to  alarm  the  Palace,  if1 
treason  should  have  been  feared,  1  suppose — (bui 
the  Camel  was  not  there.)  At  length,  when  His 
Majesty  had  got  through  with  a  hasty  perusal  of 
the  papers,  and  had  promised  ("  Hickory"  pro 
mises  are  precarious,)  to  attend  to  the  request  of 
the  artist — his  visiter  then  ventured  to  solicit  His 
Majesty's  patronage,  for  her  own  specimens  of 
domestic  production.  But  His  Highness  en 
deavored  to  excuse  himself,  although  his  patron 
age  would  have  been  consonant  to  the  wishes  of 
the  Princess  of  Influence,  who  had  urged  the  ne 
cessity  of  having  the  new  style  of  painting  intro 
duced  into  the  Palace,  and  had  intended  it  as  a 
proof  of  Her  Highness's  taste  and  influence  with 
his  Majesty — but,  alas  !  for  the  proprietor  !  and 
for  the  Princess  of  Influence, !  The  Countess  of 
Dictate,  and  the  Princess  of  Insignificance,  coun~ 
teracted  all  Her  Immaculate  Highness's  intentions 
in  this  instance,  and  absolutely  declined  having 
"any  thing  of  the  kind  introduced  into  the  Pa 
lace,"  merely  because  the  Immaculate  Princess  of 
Influence  had  recommended  it  to  His  Majesty, 
some  months  previous— which,  of  course  had 
great  iv eight ;  but  n.few  months  make  a  material 
change  at  Court ,  Col.,  and  even  a/eiu  daijs  some- 


136 

times — so  it  all  "vanished  in  smoke  f  for  His 
"Hickory"  Highness  started  from  his  chair,  and 
rang  for  Mister  Jamie  Mac  Faddle  O'  CHaugherty 
— whom  His  Highness  ordered  to  request  the 
ladies  of  the  Palace  to  attend.  The  Countess  of 
Dictate  and  the  Princess  of  Insignificance,  made 
their  appearance  in  a  few  minutes,  but  the  Lady 
Criterion  did  not  condescend  to  be  present  at  the 
consultation.  His  Highness  then  turned  toward 
the  visiter  and  abruptly  demanded  her  ttna»»e," 
that  he  might  introduce  her  to  the  ladies  of  the 
Royal  family — this  was  too  much  for  the  eulogiser 
of  His  Majesty's  triumph,  and  the  zealous  advo 
cate  of  a  Hero  for  so  many  years,  and  already 
personally  known  to  His  Majesty  some  months 
since,  on  presenting  the  volume,  with  her  name 
prefixed.  O  Hercules!  good  Col.  Hardfare, 
think  of  that— and  hear  further,  that  His  Majesty, 
on  being  referred  to  the  exterior  of  the  packet 
which  he  held  in  his  hand,  (since  he  can  thus 
forget  his  friends  and  their  services,)  gave  a  hasty 
introduction  to  the  Royal  ladies,  and  referred  the 
authoress  to  them  for  patronage — consequently, 
her  fate  was  decided  in  a  very  few  moments,  as  it 
was  well  known  to  them,  that  the  Princess  of  In 
fluence  had  intended  the  applicant  should  succeed 


137 

at  the  Palace,  as  her  Immaculate  Highness  had 
taken  some  pains  to  do  so — and  had  ordered 
some  of  the  painting  for  herself,  some  six  or 
seven  months  previous.  For  this  particular  rea 
son,  the  ladies  of  the  Palace  were  firmly  resolved 
it  should  not  be  patronized  there,  as  the  Lord  Cri 
terion  had  "set  his  face  against  it,"  (to  use  his 
oivn  expression,)  and  the  ladies  were  governed  in 
a  great  measure  by  his  Lordship.  So  the  fair 
Countess  of  Dictate  observed,  that  she  "  did  not 
wish  any  thing  of  the  kind,  and  had  heard  that 
the  Princess  of  Influence  had  ordered  some,"  so 
her  ladyship  u  declined,"  and  observed  they  "al 
ready  had  so  many  very  superb  articles  of  furni 
ture  and  decorations  for  the  Palace,  they  would 
not  know  what  to  do  with  any  more" — (very  con 
sistent  you  see,  Col.,  with  the  system  of  "  Re 
trenchment.")  "True  madam,"  observed  the 
visiter,  with  some  independence — "  it  would  cer 
tainly  be  superfluous,  if  that  is  the  case,  and  a 
very  great  incumbrance,  when  the  time  will  be  so 
short,  to  want  them  here."  Then  bade  the  Roy 
al  ladies  good  morning  as  ceremoniously  as  they 
deserved — feeling  herself  infinitely  superior  to 
purse-proud  arrogance  and  insipidity,  and  also  to 
ingratitude,  from  a  greater  Personage,. whom  she 
13 


Will  eVer  consider  her  debtor — but  whose  favorfc 
of  remuneration,  if  they  were  now  offered,  she 
tvould  spurn  as  indignantly  as  herself  and  her 
petition  of  filial  piety,  was  indignantly  and  con* 
ttmptuously  treated  at  Court. 

COL.  HARDFARE.'  Alas!  Major!  the  fate  of 
too  many  who  were  dazzled  by  A  "meteor  that 
now  vanishes  in  smoke  /"  But  a  lady  to  be  thus 
repulsed,  was  Certainly  not  inmilitaire,  we  know. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  No — u  By  the  God  of 
War  /"  Col.,  it  is  an  eternal  stigma  on  gallantry 
at  least,  which  neither  age,  nor  "  engagements," 
however  " pressing" — can,  in  the  least  degree 
excuse — for  an  interview  of  only  a  few  minutes. 
And  that  was  even  obtained  with  the  greatest 
perseverance  and  difficulty,  as  she  had  been  posi 
tively  refused  admittance  on  the  first  day  of  ap 
plication—although  coach-hire  is  known  to  be 
exorbitant  by  the  hour  in  the  great  City — when 
visitors  to  the  Palace  must  go  so  often  to  no  pur 
pose.  But  she  did  not  give  up  the  point  in  de»* 
pondency*)  although  absolutely  repulsed  by  Hig 
Majesty,  who,  in  the  true  spirit  of  Royalty — re- 
fusedio  see  her — although  she  had  been  introduc 
ed  to  the  Palace  some  months  since,  through  the 
Princess  of  Influence,  procuring  a  pass-port  frornr 


the  Prince  of  Influence,  that  caused  the  doors  of 
the  Palace  to  fly  open  like  magic.  But  now ; 
she  had  relied  on  the  recollection  of  that  auspi 
cious  moment,  and  had  the  temerity  to  go  alone 
in  a  coach — and  without  the  very  requisite  pro 
tection.  Mister  Jamie  Mac  Faddle  O'Claugher- 
ty  had  his  orders — and  dared  not  disobey.  His 
Majesty  sent  out  word  to  her  on  a  second  appln 
cation,  that  he  was  too  "much  engaged  to  see  her 
at  all,"  and  *  if  she  must  see  him — u  his  son 
would  wait  her  commands  on  the  following  day." 
The  authoress  returned  for  answer  by  Mister 
0'  Claugherty,  that  she  had  not  the  honor  of 
knowing  His  Majesty's  "son."  and  declined  the 
interview,  as  her  business  was  expressly  with 
IJis  Majesty,  and  she  claimed  an  audience-^-to 
deliver  into  his  own  hand,  a  packet  entrusted  to 
her  for  that  purpose."  She  was  repulsed  ;  how 
ever,  she  went  on  the  following  day  at  an  early 
hour  as  described,  and  met  the  reception,  I  have 
so  feebly  related— ^as  neither  pen  nor  pencil  could 
do  justice  to  the  interview  !  Description  fails  f 
O  Jupiter!  Col.,  here  was  Majesty  to  perfection! 
and  with  a  vengeance.  What  a  pity  the  authoress 

*  Forsjettirn*  her  very  fatiguing  Dramatic  representa 
tion  n  f»-w  years  a  o  in  the  Road  to  Ruin,  (Prophetic  uf 
the  Present  Reign)  to  do  honor  to  a  "  Hero." 


140 


had,  for  so  many  years,  devoted  her  precious 
time,  her  living !  alas !  to  extol  with  national 
enthusiasm,  the  imaginary  virtues  of  a  Mili 
tary  Despot.  She  will  become  wiser  at  all  events, 
by  her  late  visit  to  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  as  she 
has  seen  His  Majesty  in  the  proper  light  at  last ; 
and  will  now  profit  by  the  most  correct  delinea 
tion. 

COL.  HARDFARE.  It  was  evidently  reserved 
for  her  to  portray  the  true  features  of  Royalty. 
She  will  correct  the  false  colours  in  which  she 
has  heretofore  represented  this  great  Personage ; 
because  she  had  not  an  opportunity  of  seeing  him 
in  proper  light  as  you  observe,  and  which  is  a  very 
essential  point. 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  That  is  indisputable,  Col., 
and  will  exculpate  the  Authoress  from  any  reflec 
tion  from  the  Party — as  she  is  perfectly  justifia 
ble  in  the  course  she  has  taken — and  in  now  en 
deavoring  to  turn  the  attention  of  the  stupid 
multitude,  to  the  refulgence  of  the  rising  Wes 
tern  luminary !  who  would  never  have  degraded 
his  exalted  character  so  far,  as  to  insult  the  pride 
of  an  American  Jlutlioress — and  wound  her  filial 
feeling's  by  suffering  that  petition  to  remain  dis 
regarded;  though  apprised  that  she  was  then 
thrown  into  distress  at  the  great  City,  ^  where  the 


141 

*'milk  of  human  kindness"  is  so  little  known,) 
through  the  Princess  of  Influence  failing  in  her 
Highness's  voluntary  promises,  and  His  Majesty 
having  refused  his  patronage  to  a  person  who 
felt  she  had  a  right  to  claim  it  on  so  pressing  an 
emergency. 

There,  Col.  Hard/art — I  think  now,  that  you 
have  the  whole  affair  explained  as  concisely  as  / 
can  give  it  to  you — and  you  may  make  what  con 
clusion  you  phase — but  will  not  change  the  opi 
nion  which'  /  have  now  m-mly  adopted  respecting 
the  high-souled — noble  character  of  His  "Hick 
ory"  Highness — and  the  (confirmed)  "  amiabili 
ty" — and  kind  feeling  of  the  fair  Princess  of 
Influence,  respecting  pressing  invitations — and 
voluntary  promises.  The  Authoress  is  much  in 
debted,  eventually,  for  the  caprice  of  the  Royal 
family,  as  it  has  furnished  her  with  materials  to 
make  up  her  losses  in  that  quarter,  to  amuse  and 
enlighten ."the  world ;  and  what  is  of  still  higher 
consideration  to  her,  will  Jill  her  purse  more 
abundantly,  (and  at  the  expense  of  the  Yankee 
Doodle  Court)  than  if  they  had  not  shewn  the 
#  Cloven  foot." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  An  ample  retaliation,  JVfav 
13* 


142 

jor — by  Jupiter,  many  will  envy  her  triumph  over 
such  mean  opnressors. 

MA.I.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.,  a  triumph  well 
earned  by  "the  God  of  War!"  for  a  female  to 
struggle  against  such  an  overwelming  torrent,  and 
yet  to  conquer !  Huzza !  Col.  for  "  rights  of  wo 
men  !"  in  this  Reign  of  "  Reform."  "  Liberty  and 
Equality  !"  shall  again  be  our  boast!  T  hope  his 
^  Hick'try"  Highness  himself,  and  all  their  High 
nesses  may  yet  experience  u  i"us:h"  times — that 
they  may  know  how  they  are  to  be  borne  ;  every 
one  in  his  turn  you  know — Col.  Hardfare  .'  as 
that  superannuated  veteran,  in  whose  behalf  the 
petitifvn  was  most  humbly  and  respectfully  pre 
sented  to  His  Majesty — is  now  sinking  into  des 
pondence  ;  and  a  very  few  months,  or  days,  may 
now  remove  him  to  that  region,  where  the  Princes 
of  u  Reform"  will  not  have  the  sway  they  now 
hold — and  even  Majesty  must  yield  his  "  Hicko 
ry"  sceptre,  and  the  "  Camel"  will  assuredly  get 
"  through  the  eye  of  the  needle,"  if  their  High 
nesses  can  get  into  that  kingdom  after  their 
Reign  of  "  Reform."  But  their  Highnesses  are 
evidently  not  much  concerned  about  the  future,  so 
they  now  '''carry  the  day."  O  wise  "jffc/r.'w," 
and  most  admirable  "Retrenchment!"  "Two 


143 

spl»ndid  mirrors  150  square  cubic  feet  insize  /"  (0 
H  i'cul  -8  !)  to  r  fleet  the  ivisdom  of  the  Reign! — 
How  will  Senator  Benton's  u  Republican  feelings 
be  shocked?'  in  this  instance.  Where  are  the  calum 
niators  of  the  Great  Clay  ?  Let  them  blush 
now,  to  behold  the  mild  dignity  of  this  unparrell .  led 
Statesman  retiring,  and  aloof  from  slander  and  re 
ft  "«c/i  /  Plain,  unadorned,  but  by  the  effulgence 
of  powerful  intellect  and  proving  to  the  world — 
his  real  greatness — when  thus, 


With  noble  pride, 


"  When  injured — and  offended — never  tried 
"His  injuries  by  vengeance  to  maintain — 
"But,  by  magnanimous  disdain! 

calm  in  the  grandeur  of  his  exalted  mind,  this 
great  statesman,  modestly  retired  from  the  clamor 
ous  metropolis,  to  await  an  auspicious  time  when 
his  patriotism  would  be  acknowledged,  and  the 
foul  tongue  of  slander  be  silenced  forever ! — 
The  services  of  the  Statesman  should  not  be  for 
gotten! — we  are  an  enthusiastic  people,  and 
when  genuine  merit  is  too  apparent  to  be  mista 
ken,  the  shouts  of  a  multitude  will  bring  forth 
the  Western  luminary,  who  has  withdrawn  its 
effulgence  for  a  while,  but  to  dazzle  with  ten- 


144 

fold  lustre,  when  the  proper  time  shall  arrive  j 
and  the  clouds  which  unjust  prejudice  and  base 
calumny,  gathered  to  obscure  a  star  of  too  great 
magnitude  to  be  long  concealed,  will  disperse — 
Justice  demands  this,  for  the  honor  of  the  nation, 
to  prove  the  talent  of  the  country,  and  to  wipe 
off  the  tarnish  of  a  Yankee  Doodle  Court,  in  the 
land  of  Liberty  and  Equality,  which  a  Washing 
ton  has  bequeathed  to  a  brave  nation,  who  should 
carefully  and  jealously  watch  encroachments  on 
the  rights  of  the  "people." 

COL.  HARDFARE.  Bravo!  Major  Dauntless! 
you  are  a  true  Patriot !  Success  to  the  Star  of 
the  West ! 

MAJ.  DAUNTLESS.  Aye,  Col.,  no  mistake 
there!  rely  on  it.  Now  I  will  give  a  specimen 
of  Major  Dauntless's  plain,  blunt  ryhme,  on  the 
subject — which  I  have  written  extemporaneously. 
as  you  will  perceive;  but  if  it  is  to  the  purpose, 
that's  all  we  require,  It  is  addressed  to 

The  wise  Princes  of  the  Reign  of  "  Reform* 

If  the  shoe  should  JzJ  you — wear  it — 
If  it  pinch  you — grin  and  bear  it — 
If  the  lash  should  smart — don't  fiincl^ 
It  will  not  help  the  case  an  inch- 


145 

i  will  be  most  prudent  to  be  quiet, 
For  fear  "  the  People"  make  a  riot, 
And  rush  to  Yankee  D^dle  Court, 
In  eager  haste  to  see  the  sport. — 
That  Princes  of  "Reform,"  should  be 

Thus  lasVd  for their  "Integrity  !" 

'Twould  cause  enquiry  of  the  matter, 
(AndjRio  might  be  disposed  to  flattero) 
So,  better  to  suppress  your  groans — 
Tho'  it  should  cut  you  "to  the  bones." 
For  when  this  lash  is  in  gwd  t'im, 
It  e'en  can  smart  Green  Goblin  Gtim! 
And  make  him  rave !  and  swear  !  and  thunder ! 
But,  no  avail !  he  must  "  knock  under," 
For  no  resource  from  "  Hickory  Club" 
Can  be  obtained  !  "  Aye,  there's  the  rub  !" 
The  Princes  of  "Reform"  may  float, 
Until  a  storm  upsds  their  boat — 
Then  each  will  scramble  for  himself, 
Nor  wait  to  quarrel  for  the  pelf- — 
For  all  soperltct  in  "Reform" 
Should  be  prepared  for  coming  storm. 
And,  tho'  their  barque's  "  tough  Hickory  !" 
The  cry's  for  "  Clay !  and  Victory  /" 
Kentucky's  sons  have  seen  their  error — 
Indignant  at  this  "  Reign  of  terror !" 


They  now  resolve  to  stop  the  sway  <.' 
And  eager  to  bring  out  their  Clay, 
Which  is  of  finest  Porcelain  kind, 
None  to  compare,  will  others  find ! 
Then  hark!  the  W'-st  cries  out" Huzza!" 
We'll  beat " tau%k mdeory"  with *•  Clay" 


FINIS, 


NOTE.— The  eopy  of  that  petition  to  His  Hickory  High 
ness  is  mislaid,  but  will  appear  in  the  second  edition, 
which  has  already  been  put  to  press,  as  this  small  edi 
tion  was  hastened  for  the  Honorable  Members  of  Con 
gress  before  their  rising,  that  they  may  see  the  fiae  ef- 
fBctof  ^Reform" 

THE  AUTHORESS 


